Intimacy: Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call...

By Anonymous - 26/08/2013 20:17 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 965

You deserved it 4 580

Intimacy

Age difference

Criminals

You tried

Mystery

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 205

By Anonymous - 03/12/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 075

You deserved it 12 678

By WorkWeirdo - 30/03/2016 20:26 - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 471

You deserved it 1 530

By taylor_eileen - 26/12/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 518

You deserved it 3 174

By trekkiewife - 20/10/2015 19:45 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 081

You deserved it 7 915

By ohgod. - 10/10/2012 02:59 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 161

You deserved it 3 160

By manda - 16/02/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 217

You deserved it 7 759

By Anonymous - 22/08/2013 04:48 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little brother grabbed my boobs and wouldn't let go until I pried his hands off. When I told my mom, her response was, "Get over it. He's a little kid who doesn't know any better." He's 14 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 933

You deserved it 3 766

By failing - 28/04/2017 01:00 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, after searching frantically for my economics notes for a week, I asked my friend to send me pictures of her's. I recognised my handwriting on the pictures she sent me and she admitted she "borrowed" them. The exam is in three days and she refuses to meet me and give my notes back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 433

You deserved it 358

By Meh - 07/05/2019 13:00 - United States - Bothell

Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 152

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 09:07 - Australia

Today, I found out that the friend I stayed up with for nights on end, talking out of depression and suicide, has 'politely' posted up on facebook that he secretly hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 430

You deserved it 3 442

By Caz - 10/09/2018 20:30

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 290

You deserved it 1 291

CIA-level batshittery

By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 14:50 - Canada

Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 652

You deserved it 1 701

By Failure - 09/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 010

You deserved it 3 463

By shroooms - 28/07/2011 20:37 - Slovenia

Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 655

You deserved it 3 061

By drewig - 10/05/2010 05:28 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I was pulled over by a cop. She asked why I was being pulled over and figuring she knew I said, "For swerving because of my alcohol problem." I had a broken tail light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 136

You deserved it 53 452

Go Team!

By Gayer men’s team - 02/11/2017 04:00

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 731

You deserved it 1 327

By downinthedumps - 13/01/2015 02:47 - United States - Detroit

Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 889

You deserved it 3 311

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 1 080

By Anonymous - 08/06/2016 19:26 - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 832

You deserved it 1 202

By Anonymous - 06/09/2015 20:11 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 699

You deserved it 7 994

By omgboobs - 23/12/2009 02:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 800

You deserved it 2 755

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 19:00 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 444

You deserved it 39 262

By mackmoons - 10/08/2019 14:00 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out someone doing the exact same job as me at work is making $900 more than me on their paycheck. The only reason is because when he messes up, he blames it on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 132

By Grant Williams - 07/05/2019 17:37

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 780

The Boxer

By single - 27/03/2020 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 235

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 15/06/2013 21:58 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 617

You deserved it 5 237

By LostFocus - 11/12/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 993

You deserved it 25 467

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 15:38 - United States - Hightstown

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 864

You deserved it 12 483

Added flavor

By Boyufd - 27/10/2020 11:01

Today, I walked out the bathroom and saw my girlfriend peeing in a mug. She said that's the mug she uses when she can't hold it anymore. That's the mug I put my coffee in every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 366

You deserved it 168

By keepmouthshut - 12/10/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 931

You deserved it 12 791

By cheekymonkey97 - 24/10/2016 16:48

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 354

You deserved it 1 445

By Shianna - 28/05/2012 22:00 - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 998

You deserved it 13 630

By splooge - 28/01/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 284

You deserved it 4 050

By sorkin15 - 24/03/2016 21:06 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 988

You deserved it 2 974

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 529

You deserved it 24 177

By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 046

You deserved it 44 206

By Dog fart - 13/02/2010 16:08 - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 392

You deserved it 3 884

By Sigh - 13/09/2009 12:42 - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 611

You deserved it 3 486

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Top comments

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:34

That kind of stuff doesn't just "sort of" happen. Sorry op. Ditch them both.

Pwn17 25

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:34

It's not his fault. He accidentally tripped and fell into her lady parts.

zwilliams753 9

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:33

Well alrighty then

ryanpreiss 17

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:43

You mean "I'm going to punch your face, but it will just sort of happen..." right?

sarah6786 14

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:57

At least he told him.

TheCanucklehead 22

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 1:41

Yes. Op should celebrate the fact that he was told that his girlfriend hd sex with his so called friend

zed34 18

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:47

Hopefully, they're not friends anymore

Arrow44 10

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 3:01

#61- I don't know what world you live in but usually I wouldn't stay friends with a girlfriend banger.

hcollins1 18

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 3:39

Who else read this in Jim Carrey's voice? But they're honestly not you're friend if they're going to 'just happen' to sleep with you're girlfriend.

ositoakaluis 16

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 3:49

hopefully OP finds someone new in Florida

fuckedPriceless 17

Tuesday 27 August 2013 4:13

It's just intercourse...honestly I'll never get why people make such a big deal out of it.

misscalimar 10

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 4:24

Because it should be sacred, not just out there for everyone ^

HeartOfLead 24

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 4:46

Because if every one thought just like you, the human race would have been extinct long ago do to many STDs. You have to heads; you can, at the very least, use one to think (and no, in your case, I'm NOT talking about the lower one).

Henge 6

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 5:28

what, she slipped, fell, landed on his dick?

Snazzy_Snaz 17

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 6:05

it was just coincidence! Wrong place at the wrong time!

nurchok 15

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 6:42

Sorry to hear that OP. Thank your so called friend for being honest, then punch him in the face and/or kick in the nuts, then ditch them both. You deserve better...

Zaharra 10

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 9:12

Idiot.

fml121785 14

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 9:51

#71 Does your Jim Carey voice in your head also say "are" after every time it says "your"? Because you're totally making him sound like a complete jackass! Quick lesson: YOU'RE = YOU ARE Example: You're a jackass. = You are a jackass. YOUR = shows that something belongs to YOU or shows possession. Example: Your teacher should've taught you this in elementary school. YOU'RE WELCOME! :)

Sarahandlucas 9

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 11:47

Some people do.

winnerme123 8

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 13:33

It is what he gets for not taking his girlfriend to florida.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 13:48

129 - Well allllllllllrighty then

Charryboo 11

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 15:45

You sound like you're, YOU ARE a jackass.

ZingZilla 8

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 17:32

129, YOU'RE a CUNT. Did I use it right there??

Shy_Anne 10

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Wednesday 28 August 2013 4:56

Tell him your sorta gunna kick his ass when you get back

shay_serendipity 29

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Tuesday 24 February 2015 3:56

#129, correcting someone's grammar is one thing, but doing it so harshly and condescendingly is another, very jackass-esque thing. I know that's not even a word, but point is, you're a jackass. In other words, You Are a jackass. Good day.

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:34

That kind of stuff doesn't just "sort of" happen. Sorry op. Ditch them both.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 1:08

Bitch please!! You know how easy it is to slip and fall into another's vagina penis first... muggle.

jkmartinjk 16

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 1:49

^^This is exactly how my biology teacher explains 'random mating.' A male just falls from the sky and his penis falls into a random vagina.

ILoveMyArm 15

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:12

I hope you all are not being sarcastic because that is how I go about when it comes to mating. Sure there are a couple of sexual assault charges here and there, other than that it works amazingly.

MrSassypants 32

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 4:37

Since your username has to deal with the love for your arm, do the sexual charges come from yourself?

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 5:19

who u calling a bitch, slut?!!?

aLiYaaH_fml 17

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:34

What a great friend D:

Allennis44 16

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 6:31

Looks like it's time for a new one

MasterGamer591 13

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Wednesday 28 August 2013 10:44

It's not only his fault. The girlfriend could of stopped it.

Pwn17 25

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:34

It's not his fault. He accidentally tripped and fell into her lady parts.

DreamStatic 8

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:43

His fist should accidentally slip into his face at full velocity.

siggy_mcsigx 22

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:50

Imagining that hurts, haha aow

cutycat136 28

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 5:08

Sounds legit

JadeOmega 23

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 21:01

Happens to the best of us

afallingstar 22

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:34

Let me guess...she tripped naked and fell onto his penis?

evan_7899 28

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:40

Erect penis*

CobraLazerFace 21

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 0:54

No, he clearly was doing yard work with no pants on and he accidently used a leaf blower on OPs friend and blew off her cloths.

Pussycat86 18

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 5:37

Maybe his penis was too sort?

addioty 19

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Wednesday 28 August 2013 5:05

No no no! She decided to go commando while wearing a skirt and was bending over to put something in her car when suddenly, OP's friend forgot to examine his zipper, lost control of himself on roller skates and voila!