Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML
Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite Hentai character. FML
Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML
Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML
Today, I was babysitting my young cousins who are obsessed with Narnia. So to appease them, we checked every closet in the house. We never did find Narnia, but we did find sex toys. Lots of them. FML
EevieBear tells us more.
EevieBear 26
Hey guys! Op here. I'm pleasantly surprised this got published! I guess I should have explained the whole situation a lot better. It was not my idea to snoop, as I was making them dinner, and I heard doors opening and closing. I went to investigate, praying it wasn't a break in. Instead, I found the kids looking through the closets. I asked them to stop, sit down, and watch tv while I continued cooking. I watched them go back to the main room by the kitchen where I was, but I guess they snuck back out. When I checked on them again, they were looking at, you guessed it, sex toys.
Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML
Today, while making love, my girlfriend accidentally kicked me in the face when changing positions. She then got mad at me when I went soft due to the pain. FML
ItsGoneForever tells us more.
Hello, I am OP. Just a bit of clarification :-) Things were really heated and my gf was just really aroused as we hadn't seen each other for a while, so she was really into it. However, when she was cooled down again she apologized and we had a good laugh about it. And of course had another go later that evening ;-)
Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML
Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML
Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML
Today, my flatmate came home from a date with the same guy that I have been in love with since high school. As I type, can hear them having sex through our paper thin walls. FML
AlphonseMuchacha tells us more.
Hey all OP here. Thanks for all the kind words. For those wondering, I gave my flatmate my blessing. The guy and I dated for a little while but it didn't work out, for him at least. I still harbour feelings for him but want them both to happy. Still sucks though.
Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML
Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML
Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML
Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML
Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, at the healthy age of 26, I broke my hip during sex. FML
Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML
Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML
Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML
Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML
Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML
Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML
thundermoo tells us more.
thundermoo 16
OP here, I don't buy my own because I don't have a job. I'm a full time college student and I provide at-home care for my father, who can barely walk due to peripheral vascular disease.
Today, I realized my boyfriend's right hand gets more action in a week than I do in a month. FML
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