Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML
Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML
Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML
Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML
Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML
Today, on a train, a little boy and a little girl came up to me and asked how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appeared and said, "Go on, tell them!" FML
Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML
Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML
Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML
Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML
Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I'm too demanding. FML
Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML
Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML
Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML
Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML
Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early. He thought it was a sign from God and thinks we're going to hell. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML
Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML
Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML
Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML
Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I really had a connection with. It went perfect until I complimented how his moans during sex turn me on a lot, and he responded with, "That's what my mom told me." I laughed so hard we couldn't go on. FML
UnicornWaffles tells us more.
Hey fellas, quick clarification. When he said what he said I just blurted out laughing, because to me it obviously was a joke. Further confirmation would have either ruin the joke or ruin sex with him forever. He may have very well been a mother-****** but I wouldn't need to know, as we're not dating each other. That being said, I'm positive it's humor, and any humor is a good laugh to me if you appreciate the other person's intension to make you happy. I did forbid him to say that again in bed though; it'll just be creepy a second time. Thanks for you comments :) we had a good laugh.
Today, after lots of overcast weather, we opened the blinds to the children's section in the library, to let in the beautiful sunshine. Fifteen preschoolers were greeted by the sight of a used condom plastered against the window. FML
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