Intimacy: Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning... - FML

By PumaGator

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

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Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Surrounded

By smh - United States - Beulah

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By Hammy - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

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By Fiancé problemsss - United States - Billings

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

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By tomoxishigaki - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

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By Ah hell - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 20:00

Proactive

Today my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

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By bowler99 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

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By StuckInCollegeLimbo - United States - Riverside

Today, after going through months of registration and orientation to transfer to a university, I was told that my application was denied because I didn't meet the minimum credit requirement. You couldn't tell me this before? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

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By notthenaughtymaid - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

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By why me - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML

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By Che_likes_you - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

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By alltern8ive - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By Just an Exam - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By SaMike - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By Reena - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

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By Say Cheese - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to get back at me for breaking up with him, my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to post semi nude pictures of me on Craigslist. To top it off, he decided to give all 200+ people who responded to my ad my home phone number. I'm getting non-stop calls from horny freaks. FML

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By fired - United States

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

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By canispankthat - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

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By imscrewed - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

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By laurenmay - United States

Today, I was working at Target when an old woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I asked what brand it was when she replied "I'll check the tag". She lifted up the front of her shirt, and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed. FML

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By SmileEveryday - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

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By buggedout - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

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By hannah12345 - France

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

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By -__- - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Orleans

Today, wanting to be on time for my first job interview, I woke up at the crack of dawn and walked almost an hour through a thunderstorm. When I arrived, I was told that the manager wasn't in today, because of the bad weather. FML

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By Anonymous

Bite me

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

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By kat124ever - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By

Today, I went scuba diving for the first time. The diver took me down some 3 meters and I started showing the thumbs up. He thought I was excited. My breather wasn't working and I was using the sign he told me to use to go up. FML

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Top comments

By jamieblue6 | 16

#6621685 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:01

But did you send a nude back??

By cacheson | 41

#6621668 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:44

You should offer suggestions and ideas!

COMMENTS

By LogicalCore | 6

#6621659 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:42

I would bleach my eyeballs.

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6621952 - Sunday 5 June 2016 23:46

Bleaching your eyes doesn't change the fact that you have already seen it.

Reply

freddygasman | 18

#6622095 - Monday 6 June 2016 5:40

it's your brain you need to bleach, your eyes have no memory.

By realitypreacher | 4

#6621662 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:42

Lucky

Reply

I_AM_CAPTAIN_NOW | 4

#6621885 - Sunday 5 June 2016 21:39

Big surprise eh?

Reply

cprad11 | 12

#6621923 - Sunday 5 June 2016 22:52

If it's any solace, I'm a fan, #15.

By cacheson | 41

#6621668 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:44

You should offer suggestions and ideas!

Reply

IIVIMMXV | 9

#6622326 - Monday 6 June 2016 15:42

You are in the comment section of every post. FML.

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6621677 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:53

Nobody deserves that. FYL

By Mathalamus | 24

#6621681 - Sunday 5 June 2016 16:57

And I'm just gonna drink a lot of slurpees to get rid of that image...

By jamieblue6 | 16

#6621685 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:01

But did you send a nude back??

By mineller | 24

#6621686 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:07

Maybe they wanted you as the male talent? Quite a compliment.

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#6621691 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:13

Hummers from gummers.

By otterman_empire | 7

#6621698 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:23

I'm sorry

By Chikiriwak | 15

#6621718 - Sunday 5 June 2016 17:56

Oops wrong number ;-)