Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 1 198

27/06/2016 03:44

Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 335

You deserved it 2 081

Intimacy

Late term

Walk on the wild side

Paper trail

19/03/2015 14:24

Today, I told my mom I've been having sleep issues and asked if she could take me to the doctor. She decided I just need to read the Bible more. Needless to say, I still can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 629

You deserved it 2 534

15/08/2010 13:12

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 877

You deserved it 5 331

16/10/2010 12:31

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 475

You deserved it 7 229

15/11/2011 04:51

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 840

You deserved it 11 095

09/11/2009 22:13

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 008

You deserved it 3 463

11/01/2017 09:50

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 500

You deserved it 5 777

23/07/2014 04:09

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 984

You deserved it 7 336

Dirty work

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 19:01

Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 93

Dr. House

By Doctor! - 05/03/2017 00:00

Today, I found that I have a rare side effect to the hydrocodone prescribed after surgery. One pill keeps me up for almost 24 hours. Either I'm in tremendous pain and try to sleep, or I'm not in much pain and stay awake. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 057

You deserved it 392

20/09/2014 06:54

Today, my mother threw an egg at my face with force because I returned home 5 minutes late to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 959

You deserved it 5 610

01/01/2014 07:49

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 571

You deserved it 4 079

My Humps

By nix1993 - 19/10/2019 21:00

Today, I visited my old job to pick up some paperwork. Since leaving over a year ago, I’ve lost over 60lbs, but I’m currently 6 months pregnant. Not a single person believed that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 221

08/01/2017 03:23

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 774

You deserved it 2 205

04/09/2011 16:40

Today, my boyfriend bitched me out for being too controlling. Apparently, not only am I being unreasonable by not wanting him visiting strip clubs with his friends, I'm also just "looking for excuses to get mad" at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 316

You deserved it 17 264

Poor kid

By fair lady - 03/06/2021 04:01

Today, I watched as my four-year-old niece accidentally knocked over her mom’s wine. She was clearly upset about it, and her mother screaming at her didn’t help. Later, she asked her mom if she still loved her, to which she replied, "I don’t believe in second chances." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 76

07/07/2009 17:00

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 439

You deserved it 4 026

06/12/2015 09:58

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 209

You deserved it 2 191

30/12/2015 09:07

Today, I had a job interview. I was asked what my dream job would be. I blurted out, "The president, because I think it's a very cool and important job." I don't think I'm getting this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 607

You deserved it 5 066

11/08/2010 01:05

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 570

You deserved it 3 827

23/08/2009 04:38

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 398

You deserved it 2 261

10/03/2010 17:56

Today, I discovered my water bottle had leaked and spilled water all over my backpack, ruining my notebooks, soaking my schoolbooks, and destroying my midterm portfolio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 727

You deserved it 5 703

08/11/2013 14:00

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 836

You deserved it 6 147

11/12/2009 21:24

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 3 210

Go out please!

By night_fox88 - 27/01/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 062

You deserved it 207

13/09/2016 20:16

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 996

You deserved it 1 133

13/05/2014 13:58

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 663

You deserved it 4 868

22/07/2009 08:16

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 497

You deserved it 11 562

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 23:01

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 131

You deserved it 1 695

05/09/2009 13:39

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 588

You deserved it 70 992

24/12/2015 23:47

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 185

You deserved it 2 139

11/02/2009 11:59

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 790

You deserved it 31 770

03/04/2011 09:16

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 521

You deserved it 4 751

Best birthday ever!

By IHateMyLife - 01/02/2021 08:01

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had promised that the day would belong to me. But no, I had to drive 80 km forth and back to pick him up from work, then he took pictures with his new camera lens, then he decided what to eat, demanded a massage and then he just fell asleep. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 240

15/06/2013 05:41

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 923

You deserved it 6 546

09/05/2016 20:44

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 965

You deserved it 981

13/02/2010 08:47

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 884

You deserved it 3 063

16/01/2016 12:54

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 535

You deserved it 7 807

Catfished

By phonesage - 13/12/2010 20:29

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 577

You deserved it 10 427

23/02/2009 19:40

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 905

You deserved it 10 596

21/02/2009 07:30

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 099

You deserved it 13 314

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

cacheson 41

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:52

Well, pigs can have 30 minute orgasms. She was probably trying to channel her inner sex demon.

niftyismybitch 21

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:55

After finishing you can go with "That'll do pig."

Comments

Lalala579121 27

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:50

She just wanted you to pork her.

Nikkibuh 11

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 21:34

You win.

RodzillaX 30

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 21:52

I don't know who you are, but I love you so hard right now.

SecundusSecunda 27

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 23:45

Not as hard as those pig noises.

childproofpizza 19

Send a private message

Saturday 2 July 2016 4:33

not as hard as me (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PaulDesmond 11

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:52

That must have been pleasant

cacheson 41

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:52

Well, pigs can have 30 minute orgasms. She was probably trying to channel her inner sex demon.

cacheson 41

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 18:53

...Chain emails are great! ...especially ones you receive multiple times. If you don't believe me you can always google it. :)

zaidthunder1 27

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 19:11

I wonder how the pig experts would find out that the pig would be having an orgasm.

cacheson 41

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 19:47

Brain wave readings?

GRANTTILA 5

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:53

Is she fat?

Donut_Wizard 23

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:55

Bacon fetish?

niftyismybitch 21

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:55

After finishing you can go with "That'll do pig."

Elgrin 15

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:58

This. Must. Happen. MUST.

leJar 14

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 17:52

"Today, my boyfriend called me a pig during sex. FML". Unless the pig noises are intended, this is how I think that will play out

doge750 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 28 June 2016 7:09

I thought the same thing

askullnamedbilly 33

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:57

Is your name David Cameron by any chance?

Triberius 4

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 15:59

{Insert favorite Deliverance joke here!}

aw25 5

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 20:02

When finishing he said "bringing home the bacon"!!!!

Tripartita 44

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 16:05

It would appear a bae of pigs invaded FML.

Saikon1357 25

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 18:27

Nice reference

vikky538 28

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2016 16:08

Pigs are beautiful

cacheson 41

Send a private message

Tuesday 28 June 2016 0:50

Way to ruin the sentiment.