Today, I made two cakes. One for my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow, the other for my family so they wouldn't eat the birthday cake. I came home to find they ate half of each. FML
FML - The Follow-Up
cristy91 tells us more.
cristy91 33
Okay, to answer a few questions: yes, the flavors were the same. Yes, my parents knew I'd be baking two cakes. The reason they ate from each is that my grandma put the "family" cake in the fridge without telling anyone, so they assumed the remaining cake was for them (grandma is a little forgetful). No, I can't combine them, I used "half" but it's half for one and a bit more than 1/3 from the other. No, not putting laxatives, I love baking and they bought me more ingredients to use.
Today, I found out how easy it is for people to get into my flat when I found bailiffs in my kitchen at 9am. They had picked the lock to look for someone who doesn't live at my address, but at least had the courtesy to tell me how to make my home more secure. FML
LadyFahrenheit tells us more.
I just want to give more of an insight of the events surrounding the bailiff intrusion. A couple of weeks prior to finding them in my kitchen, I received a letter from an electricity company, which was intended for another customer. I contacted the electricity company to inform them I had received a letter for someone else, and they assured me that they would rectify their mistake. Fast forward a fortnight - I found bailiffs in my kitchen. They had picked the lock to gain entry, and had a search warrant, which they claimed gave them the right to enter my home. However, once I told showed them my I.D. and informed them their search warrant was invalid since I wasn't who they were looking for, they soon left. It baffles me how they could say it was so easy to open my front door, when they'd opened it with locksmith tools. I'm definitely going to have to improve my home security to avoid another incident like this.
Today, my husband and I threw a party with non-alcoholic wine. No one acted wasted, until in the last hour my grandmother started slurring her words and slumping. We thought she was joking, until a doctor at the party confirmed she was having a stroke. FML
Aggressive tells us more.
Aggressive 11
Hello everyone. She's doing very well now! The doctors at the hospital told us it was only a minor stroke luckily. We were extremely lucky to have a doctor at the house indeed. And sorry to hear about your loss #70.:(
Today, I woke up at my cousin's house after staying the night. I went into the bathroom like I usually do and shut the door. Apparently the door lock on this bathroom doesn't function properly. I discovered this when my 4-year-old cousin walked in on me putting a tampon in. FML
amanderpthepanda tells us more.
I created this account to respond to some of your comments.. My cousin is a boy, and it was a very awkward explanation. I just told him that it's a girl thing and that he'll learn about it when he's older. I don't think it affected him that much. Also, #7, I enjoyed your comment the most.
Today, I was chatting online with several relatives, discussing our family reunion. Bored out of my mind, I clicked to rename the conversation to "Boring shit with almost dead people." I didn't know it'd rename it for everyone. FML
emileeisamazing tells us more.
Love all the comments -- my family and I have very joking attitudes toward each other. I always call them "old names". They're not really old, none over 50 at least, and my siblings are both 10+ years older than me. (I'm sure you get the gist.) It was the "boring sh*t" they were offended by. Staring at a caged bear for half an hour isn't too much fun for me, but since then we did decide on zip lining now amongst other non-boring things. We did decide to keep the conversation named that if you were wondering :)
Today, I had a job interview. All was going well until the interviewer asked me, "So, why should we hire you?" Without thinking, I blurted out, "Because, I'm awesome!" Don't think I'll be getting that one. FML
strokesie tells us more.
strokesie 23
Hey, OP here. After I said that, the interviewer busted out laughing- so there's a plus. She also said something along the lines of "Ya know, nobody says that sort of thing. Usually it's the boring 'I really need a job' type. But not you!" And laughed some more. I really need this job though, I've applied everywhere and this place is the first to call me. I won't know if I got it or not until next week, so I'm crossing my fingers!
Today, I got to explain to my co-worker again why I can't move my "vacation" so she can take hers when she wants. Apparently, in her mind, her seniority at the company trumps my due date. FML
sulitak tells us more.
sulitak 27
1. It did take work to get pregnant. 2. I put in for my leave as soon as I found out. It has been on the schedule for 5 months already. 3. She is the SAME position as me, not my superior. She has just held a position at the company for longer. Though, even if it was a vacation for vacation thing, I would still have priority through our company's rules. Seniority get priority to a point. Low man on the totem pole can request days off, then it gets put on the calendar, everyone above them has a month to "override" those days. If it stands for a month with no objections, low man gets their vacation.
Today, while waitressing, I had a huge party. When everything was said and done I saw the tip they left me. It said on a napkin, "You're pretty. You can't put a value on a compliment." And that was it. I wish compliments paid the rent. FML
Chellybelly92 tells us more.
Today, what started off as an amazing date with my girlfriend ended with me driving her drunk ass home while she sat in the backseat making out with her new boyfriend. FML
BimmerDriver tells us more.
BimmerDriver 23
Because I won't let anyone drive drunk, no matter who it is. And it's cheaper to drive them home as opposed to paying for a taxi.
Today, the stalker flatmate who has been obsessed with me since I first moved into the flat two years ago, graduated. Apparently he told everyone we are an item, because his parents and relatives were smiling and taking pictures of me from their seats two rows ahead of mine at the ceremony. FML
Trillian87 tells us more.
This little story actually happened a little while ago, I had to use the "Today" form because of the page's standard, but at least I can tell you how it ends. I moved into the flat when I was barely 19, while the flatmate-stalker (also nicknamed The 28 Years Old Virgin) was seven years older than me. He started to be obsessed with me after we went to the cinema together (the other two flatmates were supposed to come with us but they didn't), and he got convinced we were on a date. I didn't move out because at the time I was quite naive and I was getting together well with everyone else, plus the flat was really close to my uni and relatively cheap, and I thought that he was about to graduate anyway. His parents, for the records, are creepier than him: his dad came to visit once and my roommate caught him opening our wardrobe and going through our clothes, about a month before this episode. After graduation he had to move out because his mum wasn't willing to pay for the rent anymore and found him a job (he wanted to stay a bit longer but fortunately didn't happen), and came to visit unannounced a few times. About one year after he sent me a text out of nowhere (I didn't speak with him for months) saying that it was over and he was sorry if he did something to make me want to break up with him, so I guess that at that point after imagining us dating and getting together I probably left him. I hear he's doing fine and got his first girlfriend.
Today, I was pretending to talk on the phone with my wife just to avoid to speak with my boring coworker. After two awkward minutes of him waiting in front of my desk and me inventing a call, he handed me the disconnected phone cable and left. FML
LaLince tells us more.
LaLince 40
Hi folks, OP here. He took the hint.. If there will be a next time, I'll use my cell phone.
Today, after spending four hours cooking food for a special family dinner, I went to take a shower before they arrived. I came back out less than twenty minutes later to find most of the food gone, and a very guilty-looking puppy. FML
Auroraen tells us more.
Auroraen 8
OP here. Wow. Thanks for all the nice words, guys. My "puppy" is a 120lb, 9 month old Great Dane. Her name is Lily, and she is worse than Marmaduke and Marly put together. She is a total troublemaker. I had made zucchini bread, beef stew, a bunch of sides, as well as a cake. All of it was from scratch. I had actually put one of those baby gates across the entry-way to the kitchen, and she ended up knocking it over. Next time, I think she's going in the cage while I take a shower. And btw, I did just order a pizza. Everyone had a good laugh at me. And yes, she's practically impossible to stay mad at.
Today, my cousin thought it would be cool to put a firecracker in an abandoned birdhouse. Before I could tell him not to, it exploded and about 30 wasps came after me like the wrath of God. FML
EpicJman2828 tells us more.
EpicJman2828 11
OP here. Im so shocked I got posted. Just like to say my cousin was gone when it exploded and I was stung about 9 times. Overall it was very exciting being able to go outside and know something wanted your freaking soul. Those suckers will Hunt you down and rape your body with their asses
Today, a neighbor's kid decided to pick a fight with me because I'm "the new kid in town and need to learn who's in charge". When I told him I'm 27, he said excuses like that aren't going to get me off the hook. I just moved here and I'm already being harassed by a twelve year old. FML
LyraAlluse tells us more.
LyraAlluse 25
Hello everyone, OP here. I have enjoyed reading the comments, they are all very amusing and gave me a good laugh. In response to the Karate Kid comment, I actually practice Tai Chi, Qigong, Sword Fighting, and other martial arts/ weapon combat styles. Sometimes I do feel like the Karate Kid, especially with this latest development in my life. Because of my martial arts training I believe in self-defense and since all the kid hurled at me were threats, I am not too concerned. I don't think he believed I was above the age of thirteen until I drove in my car today and then you should have seen his expression. It was very amusing. I tend to look very young for my age (hey I'm not complaining) so people tend to think I am in my very early teens all of the time. I was even denied access to a lot of the casinos at Cliff Castle not too long ago because I looked too young to be on the casino floors. At the end of the day I had to wear a stamp that confirmed my age to even be allowed on the casino floors so in some sense I can understand why people mistake me for being so young. In response to the question about living at home, I happen to be a working professional, those years are behind me now. But there are definitely days when I wish that I was still as young as people like to think I am. If I happen to see the kid's parents I'll let them know about his behavior so he doesn't treat the other neighborhood kids the same way. Thank you for the support in all of this. No one should be bullied no matter what age they happen to be. I hope this will inspire other people to stop bullying in their schools and neighborhoods too.
Today, I foolishly thought that I was alone in the house, and let out a huge fart on the toilet. This went on for a while due to an upset stomach. I later walked into the living room only to find my parents and a few of their friends sitting on the couch, teary-eyed from laughing so much. FML
vbecka tells us more.
vbecka 17
Hi! OP here! :) first off all: wow! I never expected this to make it to the FMLpage! Don't worry, people. I posted this because it was funny. I was very, very embarrassed when I walked out to the living room and saw everybody and realized that I hadn't been alone after all(my parents came home from their trip to our cabin with their friends a day earlier than they had planned.) But I laughed at it after I realized how funny it was. And it's extra funny that you guys automatically assumed that I'm a guy! I'm actually a girl. haha! Which is why I felt so embarrassed, since I've never met those particularly friends of my parents. Great first impression, don't you think? lol. but they smiled and joked around, trying to make me feel less embarrassed, so it's all good!
Today, I faced my severe phobia of spiders in order to remove a rather large one from my home. After 20 minutes of desperate struggling, it was finally taken care of. Relieved, I sat down and glanced across the hallway just in time to see a second, equally large spider strutting across the wall. FML
Lepisma tells us more.
Lepisma 38
I usually handle smaller spiders okay unless they surprise me, but these guys were big. This happened at about 1 am last night and my housemate was asleep, so a vacuum was not an option. I did use big spray. In fact, I nailed the first one three times and it shrugged it off like a BAMF (it was a Texan spider, after all). I actually already have a cat - two, in fact. They were very interested in the spiders, but I didn't want them to get bitten, so I didn't let them get close enough to attack. I finally got the first one in a cup with a lid and filled that sucker up with the bug spray. That worked! Then I saw the second one and about died, myself. It ended up under a cup eventually, too, and met Mr. Shoe. Thanks for the suggestions, though - they made me laugh!
Today, I went out on a date with a girl. Everything was going well until I shared how my family was affected by the 2010 earthquake in Haiti. She immediately got up and left, calling me a liar. Apparently, I'm "too cute" to be of Haitian descent. What the hell? FML
Kn0wledge123 tells us more.
OP here. Yeah I did dodge a bullet. ******* moron, that one. I spoke to her the next day and it turns out that she only knew Haiti from the what she saw on CNN. I told her that's ******* stupid and there is no "certain" way to look like an ethnicity. She kept trying to find rationalizations like maybe I was mixed with French or something. Nope. I'm full on darkie. What makes this worse is that she's African American and lives in South Florida. So there's no way she hasn't interacted with Haitians before. I always hear from fellow Haitians that they get this a lot, but its the first time it actually happened to me. For the people asking, my mothers cousin passed in the earthquake and my dads family lost their home. My godsister also passed away. It was not an easy time at all. I'm not sure how the conversation came about with me & her but needless to say, there won't be a second date.
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my family. They didn't even notice me there until the dog started barking at me because I took his spot. My mom defended the dog, and now I'm sitting on the floor while a Pomeranian takes up half the couch for himself. FML
bloodprincess tells us more.
Today, a wasp flew into my car. In my frantic attempt to get away from it, I got pulled over and had to prove I was driving sober. FML
chaoticcupcake tells us more.
To all those asking, I am highly allergic to bees and wasps. When I discovered I was in an enclosed space with it, my mind wasn't thinking "pull over and let it out", but rather panic. When you're scared of something, the mind doesn't always make the most logical decisions. I ended up weaving on and off the shoulder and hadn't realized a cop had his lights on behind me until he sounded his siren. I quickly pulled over and got out of my car. I had to take a breathalyzer and passed, and after explaining my ordeal, the nice man helped me get the wasp out of my car. And to those who say roll the window down: Have you ever successfully tried to get an insect out of a moving vehicle via window? I've tried this on multiple occasions and I either can't get the damned thing to go near the window, or if I do, the wind knocks them back into my car. :/
Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML
opherehehhehe tells us more.
The speech took less than 2 minutes, it was a brief message thanking everyone for coming and how me and my husband greatly appreciate it. The party was the only way to gather my whole family. A dinner reservation would cost hundreds of dollars considering the size of my family. My brother just led my mother out and we carried on. Yes, we did supply a little wine but be didn't want a lot of alcohol considering I am pregnant and I don't want anyone drunk. Just clearing it up (:
Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML
VictoriaLeavitt tells us more.
OP here. I made an account so I could follow up. For those of you doubting my parenting: in my household, no banshee-like deed goes unpunished. Yes, this was a school suspension, for those unsure, and it was three weeks, which is pretty reasonable. Sadly, this is a continuation jr. high school for kids who've been permanently expelled (I'm surprised no one asked why she's still in school during the summer), where banshee-like behaviors such as this are not rare.
Today, after asking my psychiatrist about natural alternatives to medication for my depression, she replied, "Why not Zoidberg?" FML
thanksdoc tells us more.
Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML
jgtrflynn tells us more.
My Aunt has ALWAYS done something nice for us after a deployment, she is our only family nearby and frequents our home during his absence to make sure I'm still alive when I disappear for days, she used to freak out but now knows she will always find me passed out next to his motorcycle:p(she knows where my spare key is and uses it so much it might as well be hers.) Normally she is waiting outside for us after corresponding with me, but this time she decided to be secretive to try and scare the pants off us (beat her to it) by hiding in the coat closet directly behind the front door and jumping out right as we came in. We did so loudly, crashing into both doors. Said closet has a push button lock on the outer knob, in perfect position.....then of course we got loud and into ourselves, not noticing her calls or knocks. She knows of course how we are after he returns, but her plan just backfired a bit:)
Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to borrow my laundry room key. He was bare-ass naked. When I refused to open the door, he tried to break it down. I had to call the police before he would leave. FML
kriseliz tells us more.
Today, I finally unfriended my roommate's mom on Facebook after months of her commenting on my wall multiple times a day and basically stalking me. After discovering this, she drove to our apartment to demand through hysterical tears that my roommate move out because I can't be trusted. FML
nomomsonfacebook tells us more.
Hi all, I'm the OP. I didn't have an account when I posted this so I created one to respond to some comments. First off, my roommate is my friend from college. We both go to grad school at the same school so we moved in together after graduation. I had never met her mom before we moved in & only accepted her facebook friendship a few months ago because she wanted me to help her plan a birthday surprise for her daughter. I quickly realized she really did it to spy on her daughter/me when she posted things like "where are you guys?" "what are you up to tonight?" "where was this pic taken?" literally multiple time a day. At first I thought it was funny but it became increasingly worrying recently until I decided I felt too uncomfortable & unfriended her. Within five hours she was wailing in my kitchen about how horrible I am & trying to pack my roommate's things to move her out. My roommate was mortified & told her she was being irrational & she left in a huff & hasn't spoken to her daughter since. Thanks for all the funny posts, made the situation much lighter. Now I'm just glad my mom doesn't have facebook!
Today, I returned home from a two-year trip overseas. My mom's first words as she greeted me at the arrivals terminal of the airport were, "Your father and I are getting a divorce." FML
JabberWocky54210 tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here. She immediately apologized after, but the damage was done. Like a couple of you said, Mom didn't want me to be upset during the last couple of months of my trip. I'm 18 and was on an exchange program, so I wasn't there for most of the development up to this statement. It's difficult, but I could see very quickly that my parents weren't happy. Things are better now, with Mom here in New Zealand and my dad in the States. Sorry to all of you who have been through this as well.
Today, I lost my car keys, so I asked my ex-husband if he still had his spare to my car. He said he'd send it. I got an empty envelope with a troll face on it. There's a reason I left him. FML
accountnamevalid tells us more.
We had a very amicable divorce. I'll admit I laughed a bit, but waiting on that key cost me cab and bus fare, when I could have called the locksmith I'll have to call anyway.
Today, I tried explaining to my mom how liking her own posts on Facebook wasn't very cool. I later logged in to see she'd added all my friends and posted naked baby pictures of me, captioning them, "Now I don't have to like my own posts." FML
Sydney1600 tells us more.
I was KINDLY telling her how it wasn't "cool" to like her own stuff. She accepted my tip with a warming smile. We have a close relationship, so it wasn't surprising that she did that. The picture wasn't too exposing. All you could see was my bottom. My friends now joke about it, so it was easy to get over it. Now my mom is the "cool mom." The worst part would have to be that she now gets more likes on her post than I do. So much for liking her own pictures.
Today, I left hospital after a three-night stay. Whilst waiting for my taxi to arrive, my mother called me in hysterics wanting to know where I was, because the police had called her and told her I had gone missing. Turns out my doctor "forgot" to tell anyone that I was discharged. FML
Becckzfizz tells us more.
Hello, I wrote this, Yes I'm in England. I'd text my mum to let her know that I was on my way home, she'd replied and all was well. Next thing I know she's ringing me again thinking that I've done a runner from the hospital. The doctor had discharged me and signed all of my forms, though the nurses on duty had not been notified of this and immediately called the police to report me as a missing person (even though I was waiting for my taxi in the hospital entrance), the police then contacted my emergency contact (my mum) and then she called me. I understand that it wasn't the Doctors fault, it was just a clerical error. All clear?
Today, my brother got one of those water-vapour cigarettes. I was playing around with it, and my neighbour saw me through the window. She came over to yell at my parents about my "addiction" to marijuana. When my parents told her to get lost, she called the cops and tried to get me arrested. FML
aimee_alexis tells us more.
hey guys, i cant log into my account i made this post on so i made a new one! The cop told her she was being outrageous and told her to only call for emergencies. Since I live in Canada, if it really was weed, the police probably wouldnt do anything about it anyways. My neighbour is even more pissed off now, and since i live in a townhouse unit she has really been watching me closely. FYI, yes I am only 14 but its only an e cigarette.