Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, then said, "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but… nevermind", shook his head and walked out. FML
Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML
Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML
Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML
Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML
Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML
Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML
Today, my grandma walked into my house drunk. She was mumbling something about her being a badass because she beat someone with a pool stick at a bar. She's 68 years old. FML
dareyale tells us more.
dareyale 13
Hey guys OP here. Well I love my grandma but she always decides to come in during the early hours of the morning. She's always been like this. This one time when I was younger she took me on a wild hunt for her boyfriend. We pulled up outside an old motel and there he was. In a car. With a Hooker. My grandma jumped out the car and took off. She pulled them both out the car and started beating him. Have you ever seen a Hooker take off so fast in heels?!
Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists, and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML
Today, my parents staged an intervention because I ate a year's supply of noodles in 2 weeks. FML
AlonsoKold tells us more.
AlonsoKold 15
They were just dried spaghetti noodles
Today, I went camping with my family. While I was using the shower house, my sister decided it'd be hilarious to run off with my clothes and towel. I ran back to the camper, completely naked, only for my parents to bitch me out for streaking. FML
Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML
Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML
Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML
Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding, "Well, not completely, I guess." FML
Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML
Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML
Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted, "False flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML
Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML
Today, I was at Walmart. A guy in a mobility scooter bumped into me, then told me to "get the fuck out of the way." When I told him to watch his mouth, he got up and shoved me into a shelf. Just a few minutes prior, he'd yelled that he was paralyzed from the waist down. FML
Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML
Today, I had to wake my mom up. While she was naked. On the toilet. FML
27161697 tells us more.
27161697 19
hey I'm the OP and what happened was that we were both sleeping in the same room (well she was asleep) and she started snoring so i yelled at her which woke her up. then she realized that she had to use the bathroom so half asleep she took her bathrobe off and sat on the toilet. she fell back asleep because she went to bed about 2 hours before and had to wake up in another 2 hours to catch a plane. my mom is only 50 and i am 15. by the way all of your comments made me laugh and yeah i really do wish that memory would erase!
Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML
Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML
Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML
Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML
Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML
Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML
Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML
Kat_Styles tells us more.
Kat_Styles 15
Hey, OP here. So as a quick update, there are several things I want to add. 1. My dentist was 65, very healthy, and his passing was very unfortunate. But now he's with his wife, who passed away from breast cancer about three years ago. 2. It says 'Employee' at the top because my mother was one of his dental hygienists, and I had worked for him as a secretary for a few months before he died. 3. The dental hygienists in the office obviously started CPR right away. They even shocked him twice, but he wasn't responding to anything. Paramedics took him away in an ambulance, but nothing they did was successful. It's quite ironic because my dentist always used to joke that he required his hygienists to have lots of CPR training, etc, because he was the one who was going to need it. We always thought he was kidding, but unfortunately, that was exactly what happened. 4. For those of you saying 'she deserved it' or 'why didn't she start CPR,' or 'her breath killed him lol,' understand a few things. One, I don't see how I deserved it, but that's your opinion. Two, I'm 19, I don't know how to perform CPR, and within a minute, there were three certified, trained, professionals tending to him. Three, even if it was possible to kill someone with your breath, my mom is a dental hygienist. My teeth are quite nice, if I do say so myself. Thanks for all your nice messages, and I hope you never have to experience something as terrible as I did.
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
