Miscellaneous: Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway...

By what have i done with my life - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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Miscellaneous

Mama's boy

Stunlocked

Smooth criminal

By karmasabitch - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

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By SpeakerPhone - France

Today, in a big meeting, my secretary calls me saying that I have an important call waiting. I put the call through. It was my beautician, confirming my appointment to get rid of an ingrown hair. I hurriedly confirm and hang up to see everyone in the room giggling. The speaker phone was on. FML

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By honeybunny90 - United States - Richmond

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

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By Smooth - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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By BigKid - 28/1/2021 21:30

Grow up

Today, I threw a tantrum because my younger sister ate my chocolate. I'm almost 18. FML

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By mypelvishurts - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

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By BirdWatching - United Kingdom - London

Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML

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By myBFsucks - Canada

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

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By SalemSyfer - 25/1/2021 10:57 - Canada - Belleville

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, I found out that one of my best friends likes the girl that I like. What's funny is that my best friend is also a girl, and has a better chance with her than I do. FML

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By desperategurl - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2021 11:01

Exciting

Today, I had a crucial volleyball playoff game. My dad came to watch. While in a set, my friend pointed over to the bench where my dad was sitting. I turned to see my dad snoring loudly as a result of him falling asleep. He achieved this with loudly cheering people all around him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

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By Ilovelife07 - United States

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2021 18:01 - Canada - Calgary

Burning down the house

Today, I got some ingredients ready for a stew in the slow cooker, planning to turn it on when I left for work. Well, my dumb, un-caffeinated ass turned it on, but put it on high instead of low. For 13 hours. It was completely charcoal by the time I got home. FML

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By Mike - United States - Los Angeles

The Nerve!

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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By paula123 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML

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By Hey, thats not math!? - United States - Sunnyside

Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML

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By DriveMeNot - United States

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

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By ugh mom!

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2021 00:01 - Canada

Hey

Today, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and talk to my coworker because people have been saying I’m too shy. I say, "Hey" to a girl and she made fun of my voice. She’s the one who told me to talk more. FML

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By Embarassed - Canada - Vancouver

Masterchef

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By sama - 6/1/2021 11:03 - United States - San Jose

Assumptions

Today, I was asked why I have stretch marks when I’m skinny. The stretch marks are from when I was recovering anorexic. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 00:30

Home to roost

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling several people that my fiancé and I will be moving into her house for the foreseeable future. All because we're moving to a city close by for jobs and are still searching for housing. I found this out from several of the people she told. FML

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By Milo - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

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By Hospoh8r - 24/3/2021 18:01 - New Zealand

Slot machine addicts

Today, I'm working in hospitality. I was serving a customer when another customer came up to cash in from the pokies. I told them I'd be there in a minute, and they said OK. By the time I got to them, they were complaining to my boss. Guess whose side was taken? FML

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By Dom - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

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By Tay - Australia

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

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By CrazzY88s - Ireland

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

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By Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By spanishteach - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

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By rog3rli - United States

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

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By really mature, GRAN - United States - El Macero

Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML

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By annoyed - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

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By billjoebob424 - Canada - Erin

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

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By pinkpanther61789

Thanks for the support, guys!

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#5591354 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:13

Well, it is a natural reaction when you're getting blown.

By beclaurela | 17

#5591370 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:17

The wind just penetrates the branches relentlessly. What else would happen?

COMMENTS

By redbluegreen | 40

#5591354 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:13

Well, it is a natural reaction when you're getting blown.

roro_superloser | 13

#5591406 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:26

& when there's a especially powerful wind when the trees are next to one another. That's what they call a orgy.

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5591454 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:51

Hell, don't we all sway a little to the left when we orgasm?

Wizardo | 33

#5591459 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:53

Don't we all groan and creek a little too? I mean some even bend all the way back...

Lennes | 12

#5591758 - Monday 22 July 2013 7:20

Can you imagine what tornados do to them? Lucky bastards.

Nicostream | 16

#5592004 - Monday 22 July 2013 10:15

#1 I hereby announce that I've found an actually good pun on fml. I may die in peace now.

By beclaurela | 17

#5591370 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:17

The wind just penetrates the branches relentlessly. What else would happen?

s13495 | 19

#5591461 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:53

There's a tiny bit of logic behind it... When the wind blows the trees seeds may be knocked down. I think sycamore trees do this, the little spinning helicopter type seed (maybe have the wrong name)

zach205 | 24

#6531359 - Sunday 7 February 2016 21:26

24, that's nothing compared to cottonwood trees. They are the ones that release the seads that look surrounded in cotton, they in such abundance that it makes huge piles in corners.