Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway...

By what have i done with my life - 21/7/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rich people problems

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By soontobesingle - 19/3/2013 11:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 13:47 - Austria - Vienna

Today, while reading 1984 on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 20:51 - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

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By Zephyric - 2/2/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 16:31 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

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By ohhdear.___. - 26/3/2012 14:54 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

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By Idiot on the bus - 25/3/2017 12:00

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

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By W T F - 3/6/2015 07:22 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By smokeysarah94 - 4/3/2013 01:17 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

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By - 27/2/2020 20:00

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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By - 16/1/2017 17:07

Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

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By a person - 5/3/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By sXeQueen - 13/3/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was having a really bad day, so I decided to call him and try to calm him down. At one point, I thought it would be sweet to sing him a song since he claimed to love my voice. Before I could get half way through, he told me to shut up because I was getting on his nerves and just making things worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

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By Grinch - 24/12/2016 12:08

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

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By Geezum Crow - 6/12/2018 17:30

Today, I found out my school's financial aid had a "misunderstanding" of my finances, I can no longer afford to pay half of my bills or pay for Christmas. FML

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By soapy - 1/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

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By for my brother in law - 27/7/2016 07:10 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2009 04:48 - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 12:58 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 23:02 - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2013 17:03 - United States - Norman

Today, my doorknob broke. While trying to impress my dad and show that I can fix things for girls, I somehow managed to lock myself in my room, with the doorknob on the other side of the door. When my dad finally heard my screams, he let me out. He had to take the whole door off. FML

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By blehh - 14/4/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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By mlove - 6/9/2010 08:35 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

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By Butqhy - 30/6/2016 11:07

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - 15/2/2015 04:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By Raaaaage - 22/7/2012 06:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

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By fmerunning - 29/6/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

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By HouseWife - 21/5/2014 02:24 - United States - Valley Park

Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML

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By aarong - 10/2/2014 06:42 - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2012 23:04 - United States

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#5591354 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:13

Well, it is a natural reaction when you're getting blown.

By beclaurela | 16

#5591370 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:17

The wind just penetrates the branches relentlessly. What else would happen?

COMMENTS

By redbluegreen | 40

#5591354 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:13

Well, it is a natural reaction when you're getting blown.

roro_superloser | 13

#5591406 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:26

& when there's a especially powerful wind when the trees are next to one another. That's what they call a orgy.

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5591454 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:51

Hell, don't we all sway a little to the left when we orgasm?

Wizardo | 33

#5591459 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:53

Don't we all groan and creek a little too? I mean some even bend all the way back...

Lennes | 12

#5591758 - Monday 22 July 2013 7:20

Can you imagine what tornados do to them? Lucky bastards.

Nicostream | 16

#5592004 - Monday 22 July 2013 10:15

#1 I hereby announce that I've found an actually good pun on fml. I may die in peace now.

By beclaurela | 16

#5591370 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:17

The wind just penetrates the branches relentlessly. What else would happen?

s13495 | 19

#5591461 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:53

There's a tiny bit of logic behind it... When the wind blows the trees seeds may be knocked down. I think sycamore trees do this, the little spinning helicopter type seed (maybe have the wrong name)

zach205 | 24

#6531359 - Sunday 7 February 2016 21:26

24, that's nothing compared to cottonwood trees. They are the ones that release the seads that look surrounded in cotton, they in such abundance that it makes huge piles in corners.