By Anonymous - 25/7/2013 06:04 - Australia - Mulgrave

Get Out

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

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51023

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Miscellaneous

Social distancing gone wrong

Fashion Police

Spooky

By Anonymous - 8/7/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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35283

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2015 19:03 - United States - Springfield

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

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40724

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By sarahmoon - 5/5/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

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4443

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By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/7/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

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30385

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By Awkward... - 29/1/2013 09:40 - United States - Killeen

Today, my sister's boyfriend called while she was out. The second I answered he tried to have phone sex with me. When I explained to him that I wasn't my sister and that we just sound the same on the phone, he replied, "Don't care, let's keep going." FML

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51003

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

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49738

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By woodless - 9/12/2012 15:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32911

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1944

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2014 15:05

Today, after getting home from the supermarket, I went to unlock the door so my dad could carry the groceries in. No matter how hard or how many different ways I tried, the lock wouldn't shift. My dad eventually grabbed the keys, twisted once, and after the door unlocked, called me an idiot. FML

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35455

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By "breemonster" - 20/12/2018 16:00

Today, I got an email notification. I opened up my email, and found m4m craigslist add responses. My boyfriend used my phone to login to his email yesterday. FML

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2320

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By theorifice - 16/6/2010 16:28 - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

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16126

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2017 05:29 - United States - Irving

Today, my dad unlocked the bathroom door and barged in without warning only to catch me, with no clothes on, masturbating. He said, "sorry" but stayed for another 20 seconds to look for his shampoo. FML

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6994

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By veggieluver - 16/1/2013 00:58 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

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36849

You deserved it

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By icecreamer - 6/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I went over to get some ice cream. I found a rare parking spot in front of the store, and even had change in my pocket. After feeding the meter, A lady comes up to me and tells me that the meter was free after 8 o'clock. I paid 50 cents for it. I was 50 cents short for my ice cream. FML

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42927

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By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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1358

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292

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By squishy - 11/2/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By Blank - 17/6/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

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41408

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 05:00

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1696

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369

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By wantedphantom - 9/7/2016 02:26

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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11722

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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46764

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By :( - 28/3/2014 20:25 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

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40573

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By mylifeisamovie - 28/2/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and had no idea where I was. I quickly discovered It was 11 am and I was still at the bar I had been drinking at the night before. My shoes were gone. FML

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11599

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By Deadbed - 4/5/2019 16:00

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

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1730

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576

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By maxkeyftw - 17/10/2013 05:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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47529

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By KatrinaKitten - 16/7/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

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33971

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2013 01:20 - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I told the man my girlfriend has been cheating on me with all about her infidelity. He didn't get angry; he just said that he knew, that they were in an open relationship, and that I was pretty stupid to have not figured it out sooner. FML

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46285

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6213

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By youonlyneed2squares - 24/9/2014 04:10

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

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34047

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By ohgodwhy - 10/5/2019 12:00

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

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1531

You deserved it

526

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By pizzafaceinc - 2/3/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I woke up with a headache. My girlfriend said it might be from the night before, explaining she punched me while I was sleeping because I was snoring in her ear, and she dreamed a bee was attacking her. I'm not sure if I'm more concerned that she punched me, or that it didn't wake me. FML

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26640

You deserved it

3022

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By babyeaternomnom - 30/6/2012 16:22 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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27781

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2315

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 03:08 - United States - Absecon

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

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42987

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2015 18:10 - Germany - Munich

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

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29830

You deserved it

2576

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By Nikki - 3/8/2009 13:26 - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42177

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By crazycatlady1890 - 2/5/2019 18:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I finished a full marathon and just wanted to relax and get pampered by my husband afterwards. Instead, I spent the evening taking care of him and his back because he had a spasm. Don't worry, he feels much better now. Meanwhile, I can’t move my legs. FML

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1647

You deserved it

422

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 20:58 - United States - Hayward

Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12773

You deserved it

2824

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By - 13/1/2020 18:00

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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2562

You deserved it

213

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By ilovecowboys - 26/2/2010 09:09 - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

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26776

You deserved it

6880

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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75956

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By frustrated - 17/8/2013 22:56 - Ireland - Killarney

Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML

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56954

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By future missing person maker person thingy - 11/10/2012 20:37 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41078

You deserved it

2713

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By Haggis300 - 28/3/2015 23:44 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

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31160

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Top comments

By Narcoterrorist | 6

#5597671 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:53

Subtle.

By ilovesarcasm | 18

#5597673 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:53

Makes you wonder if she's trying to tell you something....

COMMENTS

By Narcoterrorist | 6

#5597671 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:53

Subtle.

Uramonkey | 11

#5597732 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:07

When you gotta go you gotta go

Iceman225 | 11

#5597749 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:18

What a perfect comment to start the fml. Haha

kder0aeon | 9

#5598041 - Friday 26 July 2013 0:17

hahaha she did it like a boss. sorry OP.

Bloodjoker | 11

#5598209 - Friday 26 July 2013 3:19

Nothing says responsible parents like "pretending" to clean a room and leaving a note to avoid all ACTUAL conversation about such a serious topic.

By Gtca | 15

#5597672 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:53

Whomp, whomp.

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5597805 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:40

What exactly is the point of this comment?

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5597812 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:46

Maybe they were going for the "whomp, whomp, whomp" tune like in the old cartoons. They just forgot the last "whomp".

rocketiquette | 20

#5597892 - Thursday 25 July 2013 20:53

I think it's the Archer thing 2 was going for

By ilovesarcasm | 18

#5597673 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:53

Makes you wonder if she's trying to tell you something....

feldco1 | 17

#5597692 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:56

Yeah mom obviously hated the furniture. It probably clashed with the bedspread!

TheDrifter | 23

#5597742 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:12

I thought she was trying to tell OP happy 32nd birthday, it's time for your birthday party.

brave_josh | 9

#5597762 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:23

I think she's subconsciously trying to tell you something that's manifested in her acts. But what could it be?......

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5597800 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:35

I think she was trying to tell him to move out.
Oh shit, I just put it out there!

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5598449 - Friday 26 July 2013 6:35

No. No. Can't be that.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5597675 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:54

Message received....
GTFO

TheOnlyKittyKat | 15

#5597846 - Thursday 25 July 2013 20:14

Tits first!

Uramonkey | 11

#5597856 - Thursday 25 July 2013 20:20

42 - In that case I'm really glad i'm not the daughter/son.

By gracehi | 31

#5597678 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:54

Your Mom has all the subtly of an elephant ripping ass in a crowded elevator.

misspulkadot24 | 17

#5597741 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:11

That is the most random analogy I've seen in a while.

Iceman225 | 11

#5597752 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:19

W. T. F, DUDE!

gc327072 | 29

#5597819 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:51

That analogy was about as unexpected as a lion giving birth in Times Square.

NagainaFier | 16

#5597866 - Thursday 25 July 2013 20:28

Or a Zebra drawn carriage.

websphere69 | 27

#5598111 - Friday 26 July 2013 2:02

rotflmao..,,,

onaa3r | 10

#5599160 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:58

*Subtlety

By jessica53139 | 10

#5597680 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:55

Are you too old to be living with mommy? ;)

godfathermock | 19

#5598321 - Friday 26 July 2013 4:51

In this economic crisis you are never too old to live with your mom.

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5598355 - Friday 26 July 2013 5:16

In USA perhaps, however most of Australia is doing perfectly okay.

SuperDanielNL | 23

#5598613 - Friday 26 July 2013 9:06

Same here in Holland...

By horne2 | 9

#5597684 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:55

I think she might want you
to move.

edmunson | 22

#5598608 - Friday 26 July 2013 9:05

Brilliant deduction!

By perdix | 29

#5597691 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:56

You'd better worry if your mom goes at your bank account with a mop and bucket.

By cynthieee__ | 8

#5597705 - Thursday 25 July 2013 18:59

It might be time . . .

By worldclassrager | 39

#5597710 - Thursday 25 July 2013 19:00

Looks like you got a full ride to MIT or something...

Anyway...well lets hope that happened...if not post for a roommate for an apartment for the time being...