By trailertrashyanditsucks - United States - Porter

Drunk mom

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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Stained

And probably giggling

Grow up

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 02:03

Explain that one

Today, I was eating dinner with my husband and his family. My father-in-law says to my mother-in-law, "You know what’s in your mouth? Sausage!" It was so random that I laughed, as quietly as I could. My husband then loudly asked me what was so funny. Everyone went quiet and looked at me. FML

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By 3yrneveragainn

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was anxiously waiting for the guy I had a crush on to pick me up for our first date. He shows up with his son, whom I never knew about, and takes us to Chuck E. Cheese. FML

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By mel_bear_ - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 20:01

Welcome

Today, I had to clean out my husband's brother's room as he is moving. The room was filled with childish toys, mould and years of dust covered everything. Behind and under every piece of furniture were earwax encrusted cotton swabs, hundreds of them. Oh yeah, he's moving in with us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By ChildFree - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my mother-in-law asked me when my fiancé and I were going to start having children. When I told her we weren't planning on having any, she went on a tirade about how selfish and cold I am for denying her precious grandchildren. Now she hates me. FML

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By eventer1919 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, I was asked to cover work for someone because they have volleyball practice. Apparently, they haven't noticed that we've been on the same team for two years. FML

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By notpreggers - United Kingdom

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

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By secretsant4

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

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By intranator - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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By fml - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

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By Mystery LeRale - United States

Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By dusty bean

Fartmageddon.

Today, I held in an explosive fart during a co-worker's rant and waited a few seconds after he left the room to release the Kraken. Forgetting something, he returned mid-fart. Before either of us could say anything, our boss came into the room. FML

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By Immature - 10/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

You big child

Today, my girlfriend of six years burst into tears and said yes repeatedly when I presented her with a ring. I then had to explain that it was a promise ring, not an engagement ring. She looked me in the eye and dumped me on the spot. Apparently, promise rings are for teenagers, not couples in their 30s. FML

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By The Seamstress - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

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By ShutTheFuCupcake - Canada - Calgary

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

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By Username

Today, I asked a girl I liked what she was doing tomorrow night. She replied, "Cleaning, so nothing really." I then asked her out to dinner. She declined. FML

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By nycplywood - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

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By drchinky888 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML

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By butch - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By dev - United States

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

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By t-dawg - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By tipmeover - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

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By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By orilykid - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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By Al - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

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By charlatan

What's in a name?

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

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By JulietMarie

Today, I met my older sister's cute male roommate. Everything was going smoothly until he asked if I was her mother. I’m only 20. FML

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Top comments

By \ | 28

#5599863 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:35

Trailer life, I suppose.

By mangoboy1 | 19

#5599876 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:37

I also start crying and smoking cigarettes when I run out of TP.

COMMENTS

By \ | 28

#5599863 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:35

Trailer life, I suppose.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5600192 - Saturday 27 July 2013 6:36

And they just upgraded from an outhouse too.

Reply

mymegangirl | 7

#7804097 - Sunday 19 May 2019 2:48

that's really rude. poor doesn't equal drunk.

By websphere69 | 27

#5599870 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:36

Sounds like a "shitty" situation to be in

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5599922 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:53

Overused and not even worth posting anymore.

Reply

\ | 28

#5599945 - Saturday 27 July 2013 3:04

LORD HAVE MERCY, not this again

By Gothicbunnyx3 | 16

#5599871 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:36

Amurca

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5599904 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:46

Nope, Texus

Reply

Gothicbunnyx3 | 16

#5599912 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:50

It's not like Texas is in America

Reply

buckerado | 19

#5600076 - Saturday 27 July 2013 4:45

#13-You're an idiot. It is Tejas...pronounced"Tehaaaas"
Trust me I'm a Tejan.

Reply

\ | 28

#5600456 - Saturday 27 July 2013 13:04

When will Sandy come back, #38?

By mangoboy1 | 19

#5599876 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:37

I also start crying and smoking cigarettes when I run out of TP.

Reply

alycion | 38

#5600249 - Saturday 27 July 2013 7:36

Yes I always make sure there are smokes in my bathroom but never look for tp before sitting down. Priorities.

By HelenLFC | 27

#5599877 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:37

Nobody likes to run out of "shit wipes"

By redbandit9877 | 12

#5599885 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:40

Never in a hundred years will anyone remember to put a new roll on.

By Javier6597 | 19

#5599886 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:40

Well that sucks I'd cry too if I didnt have any shit wipes :'(

By KinkyCurly | 13

#5599888 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:40

For your sake... Get her some "shit wipes" asap! lol

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5599979 - Saturday 27 July 2013 3:29

Don't ask the question if you cannot handle the answer...

By cosicosei | 22

#5599892 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:42

Can't tell if she means baby wipes or toilet paper... A bit fuzzy

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5600062 - Saturday 27 July 2013 4:40

Does it really matter? Either would have gotten the job done.

By noelasis94 | 18

#5599893 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:42

Sometimes you have to wipe with the hand.

Reply

KinkyCurly | 13

#5599909 - Saturday 27 July 2013 2:47

I do hope you wash your hands with antibacterial soap and the recommended 20 seconds... yeesh :/