Intimacy

By noneedtostress - 17/03/2012 15:52 - Australia

Today, I realised my period was two weeks late and panicked about being pregnant due to missing a pill a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I haven't had sex in almost a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 901

You deserved it 10 486

By Anonymous - 16/03/2012 20:23 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 804

You deserved it 13 717

Up it goes

By 0stvn0 - 16/03/2012 01:18 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STI test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said, "Gonna be honest Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 782

You deserved it 5 698

By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 11:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 203

You deserved it 3 737

You have been warned

By PUA - 15/03/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 374

You deserved it 6 610

By Anonymous - 14/03/2012 19:31 - United States

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 892

You deserved it 33 114

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 23:12 - Canada

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 192

You deserved it 8 718

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 12:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 013

You deserved it 8 345

Stimulating

By Wow - 13/03/2012 04:38 - United States

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 613

You deserved it 8 907

By Anonymous - 12/03/2012 04:16 - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 082

You deserved it 4 689

By Anonymous - 10/03/2012 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 087

You deserved it 59 389

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 337

You deserved it 8 939

By RC3Welly - 09/03/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 1 936

Pissed

By banned - 09/03/2012 06:59 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 289

You deserved it 7 795

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 218

You deserved it 56 686

By RZ - 07/03/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 088

You deserved it 8 048

By Sharibabi65 - 07/03/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 483

You deserved it 6 857

Smash the Patriarchy

By Alfie4 - 05/03/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horseshit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 126

You deserved it 10 794

By Anonymous - 05/03/2012 20:35 - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on in a water park changing stall. A woman and a security guard barged in and angrily told us that there were children around. We were escorted out of the park wearing nothing but our swimsuits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 829

You deserved it 75 310

Mind games

By LittleRed - 05/03/2012 08:45 - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 114

You deserved it 4 282

Knackered

By Karen - 05/03/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 625

You deserved it 3 106

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 881

You deserved it 4 251

You learn something new every day

By virginkiller - 03/03/2012 13:23 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 266

You deserved it 5 723

By imawesome - 02/03/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 022

You deserved it 2 993

Sucker

By BadIdea - 01/03/2012 21:23 - France

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 288

You deserved it 59 695

By ShitFaced - 01/03/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 111

You deserved it 21 631

By cfaul001 - 29/02/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 224

You deserved it 27 800

By areyouserious - 29/02/2012 10:36 - United States

Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 556

You deserved it 37 279

By Anonymous - 29/02/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 580

You deserved it 49 468

By none - 28/02/2012 18:55 - United States

Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 948

You deserved it 35 400

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 661

You deserved it 1 533

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 418

You deserved it 3 042

Today, my older sister dragged us to a restaurant that charged us $80 a piece for 8 mouthfuls of food. She does this all the time. When our youngest sister defended her, it removed all doubt that our parents still pay her bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 148

Today, I'd booked a day off work so I could sit and read books all day. I told my wife this, and her response was basically, "Well since you're at home not doing anything important, here’s a list of jobs that need doing." I wasn’t aware enjoying reading counted as doing nothing important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 362

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 255

You deserved it 2 908

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 029

You deserved it 28 331