Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While...

By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 20:30 - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Deep-seated resentment

The end of the road

By ew - 3/8/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By Ages ago - 8/5/2019 10:00 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, two guys robbed me. As I wrestled them on the ground, my best friend just stood next to all this, telling me to give them the money already, or we'd be late for school. FML

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By kyle - 5/6/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, my friend pushed me into the swimming pool. Unfortunately, we were eight feet away from the actual pool, so I face-planted and rolled in. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By PaperInfection - 23/11/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

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By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By cdubb27 - 11/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a foul smell while on elliptical machine. I figured it was the little old lady on the machine next to me. It was so bad I had to leave. When I got in my truck, I realized the smell had followed me. It was me. My cat had pissed on my workout clothes. FML

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By Diffy - 26/4/2012 11:49 - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

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By SlowPacker - 9/3/2016 07:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By annoyed - 10/2/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

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By duped - 15/8/2011 05:45 - Pakistan

Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

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By LizLiao - 14/4/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

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By cupcakemonsteryu - 8/2/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I found out that the man I met online was a fake Facebook account, made by my daughter and her friends. FML

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By Username - 25/11/2012 23:36 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

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By WestboroBC - 3/2/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

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By Undercooked - 24/9/2013 19:08 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

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By Nicole - 3/4/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By addict - 26/8/2017 13:00

Today, after spending over a year getting clean and sober, I started feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms and couldn't understand why. It turns out my wife had been dosing my food with Adderall "to keep me on track" and just stopped. So much for my anniversary chip. FML

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By RyanTheMan15 - 31/10/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

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By Wrabel - 8/6/2015 16:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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By Crippled - 27/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

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By nograd4mee - 8/12/2010 10:30 - Germany

Today, I held a presentation about my masters thesis. Turns out, my professor never ever actually read the drafts I'd given him, but decided to rip me to pieces in front of everyone, saying that the topic isn't worth researching. I've been working on it for six months. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme - 13/12/2016 19:54

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2015 11:35 - Australia

Today, at the train station a woman's baggage had gotten stuck in the ticket barriers, so I used my ticket to unlock the barriers for her but told her to wait so I could get through too. She didn't wait. And I got painfully stuck in the barriers whilst I watched my train go by. FML

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By Secretisout - 22/12/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. FML

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By Upside-Down Sleeper. - 2/5/2015 21:59 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML

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By ugh - 28/4/2009 21:49 - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By Tylerdirdin84 - 28/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By t-dawg - 9/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By fml - 27/9/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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By lameows - 4/4/2015 01:57 - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By sorry :/ - 8/2/2015 18:28 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

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By hayleediaz - 16/7/2015 17:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

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By lillymean - 3/2/2012 01:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

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By fuck the fucking cops - 16/3/2012 18:41 - Belgium

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 20:00

Too dry

Today, I spent the evening with my new wife at the doctor’s because she thought she had a UTI. The doctor sent the nurse to talk to us because he was too embarrassed to tell us that we just needed to use more lube. FML

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By Snoodist - 6/5/2019 20:00

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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Top comments

By Ceejay1 | 13

#4555417 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:40

You kept looking

By COOL__Coal | 12

#4555448 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:45

I hope you waved back otherwise that would be rude

COMMENTS

By JohnnyBr4v0 | 3

#4555373 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

mykalt18 | 2

#4555483 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ilovesuju | 10

#4555491 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:51

I kept re-reading your comment but I can't understand dafuq your trying to say.

Insane_Tea | 15

#4555521 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:56

This is a complete guess but I believe he's talking about miracles and masturbation. Or he has no idea himself. Either way.. wtf?

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4555646 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 3:16

Miracles and masturbation...how flabbergasting.

Qandol | 26

#4555854 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 4:03

Am i the only who didn't understand what he is saying in this comment or everyone else feels the same?

lovebeecharmer | 6

#4556250 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 5:46

Hey I found the homeless guy!! He's stupid lol

baddawg365 | 0

#4556433 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 7:24

My brain just about imploded from reading that rubbish you call a comment. Please good Sir tell us what you meant.

randomkayx3 | 11

#4556560 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 8:40

I think he means that OP is lucky to see the "amazing" sight of self pleasure.

HairyPunisher | 27

#4557386 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 13:29

It's a tragic shame when you have the opportunity to be the first comment and waste the "miracle" on a comment that not only makes you sound like a lunatic weirdo but also makes no sense.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4560541 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 8:21

84- lunatic's a bit too much, eh? I dunno maybe he was in a hurry to comment first and made no absolute fucking sense...

sonicgreg | 12

#4563752 - Thursday 14 June 2012 2:11

How is babby formed?

By russfml | 31

#4555376 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:36

Well at least you look good in your new glasses lol

vanessaizawesome | 8

#4555699 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 3:27

Yeah at least op knows that they look good in the glasses!!!!

fabulosogurlee | 7

#4556553 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 8:39

26-Yeah! I really like how you just restated exactly what was said before! I did not understand what was being said until you put it that way... Just in case you couldn't tell I am being sarcastic.

By RobboXD | 5

#4555385 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:37

That's hot

ocean4venue | 0

#4555593 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 3:07

That's a hot way to live.

coolgrlyepp | 3

#4555938 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 4:18

Haha

downtime | 12

#4556515 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 8:24

...What's with the trend of people repeating comments that came before them all of a sudden...?
Oh, I mean, does anyone else not understand comment #1?! At least they know they look good which is totally hot.

By Finnick_fml | 12

#4555399 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:38

Well... Keep your eyes on the road next time :p

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4555825 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 3:57

Hey #4, I read your profile cuz in also a huge hunger games fan. I know that the K x P was for Katniss and Peeta and the A x F was for Anna and Finnick, but who does the " C x C " stand for?
Just curious :)