Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober,... - FML

By vetapplez - United States

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

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Proactive

Family values

Zoom this, bitches!

By cathugger

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

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By logansowow

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By Savy - United States - Mesa

Today, I was tailgated by a car with his high beams on for an hour. Any time I changed my speed or lane, he would do the same. I finally managed to get away from him because a cop pulled me over and gave me a speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a co-worker asked me if I have a Facebook account, and I said I do. I had to politely smile as he spent the next half hour insulting me for supposedly being glued to it 24/7, before claiming that it's all a CIA front to steal people's social security details. Why are nutjobs like this even alive? FML

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By send help

Help!

Today, at the Japanese restaurant I work for, we have 95 reservations and three servers. FML

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By ...thanks honey - United States

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, at work, I was about to close a big sale, when a coworker rushed over and said there was a call for me in the office. He heavily implied my mom had died, and I rushed out. After I figured out there was no call and that my mom was fine, he'd already stolen my sale and the commission. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I found my truck broken into. Whoever broke in ripped my dash apart, and the stupid idiot couldn't get the radio out. So now I have a trashed truck interior, and the moron has nothing to show for it. He did leave behind his Subway wrapper though. FML

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By Rosie J. - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By lisa - Australia - Kensington

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By noonotme - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

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By ChinaWillOwnUs

Today, I was warned that I was failing too many students and it had to stop, so I showed my boss all of the easy assignments a lot of students didn't even turn in. She told me to stop using so many "big words" in them. I teach at a four year University. FML

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By d.stack - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

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By KO - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By bystander - United States

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

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By rockstarohyeah - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By spaceforrent - United States

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

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By Weter - United States

Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

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By lunab123 - United States - Potomac

Today, I got a letter from my long time boyfriend asking me to meet him at the place we first met for a "surprise". I can't remember where that even is. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By Reeen - United States - Pittsboro

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

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By GGimabeast - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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By bbns - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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By heckinfrick - 8/10/2020 08:01

What a headache

Today, it was the day of the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for for eight months. I woke up with a fever and had to reschedule. The next appointment is next year. Guess I have to put up with my daily migraines until 2021. FML

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By f*cks_sake - United States

Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML

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By unluckybirthdaykid

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

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By superficialheart - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

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By DrakeScott - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

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By smartass - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

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By Lost - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

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By Chad - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

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By Ahh - 14/8/2020 23:02

The curse

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

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By explodingpupppet - United States

Today, after a month of searching, I found a perfect apartment which I rented out for the next few months. The rent was inexpensive and the place was close to my job. Turns out, my 'perfect' new apartment overlooks a nudist community. FML

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By lolgarbl - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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Top comments

By BlackWolfVII | 0

#81861 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:07

Well you know what they say about love. It's like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth. The situation is only slightly altered.

By dickinabox | 0

#81848 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:04

That's how you know he loves you!

COMMENTS

By dickinabox | 0

#81848 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:04

That's how you know he loves you!

Reply

LMFAOwned | 9

#1083136 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 7:08

You shudda swallowed. lol

Reply

Sassybq1 | 13

#2924298 - Monday 18 July 2011 20:45

lol exactly! he's marking his territory on you! lol

Reply

drdingus | 27

#4076711 - Thursday 23 February 2012 11:19

I agree

By BlackWolfVII | 0

#81861 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:07

Well you know what they say about love. It's like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth. The situation is only slightly altered.

Reply

zimandme123 | 0

#2785474 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 17:11

lol! my uncle got my mom a card like that one time:)

Reply

FiestyLegend07 | 0

#4311467 - Monday 16 April 2012 5:54

Haha, I never really thought of I that way. Lol

Reply

furordei | 2

#4363641 - Saturday 28 April 2012 3:46

Well said my friend.

By cnhd | 0

#81862 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:07

ode to young love

By jabberwocky_fml | 0

#81869 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:09

Some chicks dig that.

By humpty_dumpty_fml | 0

#81870 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:09

Sweeeet.

By audiorage | 0

#81876 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:11

that's one reason I don't drink

By life_is_a_hooker | 0

#81877 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:12

Wow... I'd say you were a good girlfriend... But I'm going to go with he isn't your boyfriend anymore for peeing on you...

PS WHY did you let him PEE on you TWICE?!

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#5963863 - Tuesday 3 June 2014 4:16

maybe she liked it?

By 666midnight | 0

#81909 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:21

Lol, like a dog marking his teritory =P

Reply

queenchewy | 0

#2264689 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:42

^^^^^ hahaha ^^^^^^

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81915 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:22

#7

the guy was drunk! he couldn't help where he peed.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#81917 - Saturday 4 April 2009 17:24

choosing a drinking, idiot, who fancies water sports, is your fault