Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled... - FML

By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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All in the family

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Nice neighborhood

By My__life___ - 21/5/2014 00:53 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 31/5/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

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By ugly - 25/7/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By ThatNewCarSmell - 1/10/2014 16:53 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

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By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By mike - 4/9/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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By carboat - 28/1/2009 09:24 - United States

Today, I woke up and I'm still in the Marine Corps. FML

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By areyouserial - 5/12/2011 13:21 - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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By wtfseriously - 9/5/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

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By speechless - 2/11/2010 17:20 - Canada

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 23:00

Slip of the tongue

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

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By Evil_Egbert - 12/2/2009 11:54 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

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By Salzburg - 6/5/2019 12:00

Today, my sister and I got a room in the attic of an old hotel, while our parents got a room several floors down. We discovered the room was full of bugs. Our parents didn't believe us, so we brought them some as proof. They told us to get over it. We can't sleep. We've killed 50 and counting. FML

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By AliKate - 17/8/2019 14:01

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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By ouch. - 25/9/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

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By mrboston - 1/9/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By teriyaki124 - 21/3/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

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By WTF - 22/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By best_friend - 25/7/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By GrandmaShakers - 2/6/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2013 18:14 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I was playing Draw Something with my girlfriend, when I decided to start a game with some other people. She immediately accused me of "cheating" on her, and still refuses to talk to me. FML

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By helpme - 4/12/2013 04:05 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

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By nzkristy - 3/1/2010 10:59 - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 02:00

Weirdly specific

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

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By Annienomous - 9/10/2015 06:44 - United States - Marion

Today, I witnessed a man die from a heart attack. When I told my dad later, he said "Lose some weight or you'll be next." FML

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By quasimodo - 22/2/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, we were drawing self-portraits in school. I'm horrible at art, so I turned to the person next to me and stated that mine looked really ugly. He replied saying, "No, it looks exactly like you." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

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By hatemyjob - 5/11/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I found out that the new receptionist earns more than I do. I'm an undergraduate accountant and I've been working there for 2 years. Oh and I started out as the receptionist before I got a "promotion". FML

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By shitless88 - 20/8/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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By VahnSeiro - 20/2/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

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By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

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By anon - 27/4/2016 00:11 - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

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By seminole711 - 20/9/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for 20 minutes because of a football game. FML

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By EmbarrassedChild - 30/7/2015 23:24 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML

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By dontevenassk - 12/6/2009 04:44 - Canada

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

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Top comments

By woofer_fml | 0

#81717 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:54

wow.

first of all, even if he was trying to charm you, to seem "macho" you should have enjoyed the sentiment of it.

second your a total turdwad, for rolling your eyes, thinkin' your better than him, that makes you a double turdwad. YDI

imagine how you must have made him feel for being a normal person. turdwad.

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81708 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

first you say theres a really cure guy that sat across from you and then you roll your eyes at him?

Comments

By Jcsati8 | 0

#81698 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:48

first!

Reply

milena28_fml | 0

#1313551 - Saturday 28 August 2010 22:06

ydi for being so shallow

Reply

Carpy | 8

#2439024 - Sunday 1 May 2011 17:00

YDI for being a fucking bitch. Quit acting like a snob as if noone deserves you. You won't get a good guy until you stop being so shallow.

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#81706 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

shut the fuck up, 1.

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81708 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

first you say theres a really cure guy that sat across from you and then you roll your eyes at him?

Reply

hershey098 | 0

#840510 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 8:23

your a bitch don't be mean he has one arm

Reply

CaptaiNiLL | 0

#1306512 - Friday 27 August 2010 4:50

yea I don't get tht either if u think the person is hot go for it don't be a prick and reject the person so they'll go after u cuz a lot of times they wont

Reply

thatsucks42 | 4

#4518245 - Sunday 3 June 2012 23:18

The lack of correct grammar in this feed disturbs me greatly.

Reply

Marine1775 | 14

#5923548 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 9:48

Right?

Reply

lpaz | 14

#6100098 - Saturday 25 October 2014 23:21

Somehow, I don't think she was aware til after she threw him that face

By woofer_fml | 0

#81717 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:54

wow.

first of all, even if he was trying to charm you, to seem "macho" you should have enjoyed the sentiment of it.

second your a total turdwad, for rolling your eyes, thinkin' your better than him, that makes you a double turdwad. YDI

imagine how you must have made him feel for being a normal person. turdwad.

Reply

prousey | 0

#1006271 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 2:42

turdwad? are you 5?

Reply

sportygurl3 | 0

#1614308 - Thursday 28 October 2010 5:00

amen!! :D

Reply

rudysayshi | 4

#3175688 - Thursday 25 August 2011 4:06

that's kinda fucked up though so is this man not a normal person because this girl wants sentiment for being a douche to this not normal person

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#6084122 - Wednesday 8 October 2014 4:25

women

Reply

lpaz | 14

#6100100 - Saturday 25 October 2014 23:23

Maybe she thought he was showing off..

By shaPOW | 0

#81719 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:54

so you didn't notice that the guy sitting across from you was missing an arm? and you decided that even though you thought he was cute, that you'd act disgusted at what you thought was an attempt to be macho instead of doing that "you're being stupid but i like you" giggle? =P

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81737 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:59

#2

you took the words right out of my mouth. i was literally going to say those exact words.

for the OP: that was a little rude on your part. but atleast you didn't say anything bad to him.

By TheAntiComment | 0

#81748 - Saturday 4 April 2009 16:01

Guess I know which hand he masterbates with

By 666midnight | 0

#81753 - Saturday 4 April 2009 16:03

lol @ #7! XD

Why roll your eyes at a guy you thought was cute? Unless you're one of them really annoying girls who play hard to get...Seriously if you're interested let them know if not then don't be, don't play games..it's annoying..

By UnCensoredBitch | 0

#81759 - Saturday 4 April 2009 16:05

OMG! #7! Mean much? :P

By sprinkesrdelish | 5

#81763 - Saturday 4 April 2009 16:06

another girl who thinks everyone is just trying to impress her, only to find out shes a dumb conceited bitch..

Reply

LchTessMnstr | 3

#535597 - Thursday 3 September 2009 2:44

#11 FTW!

It's conceited bitches like you that give us girls a bad name!!
Get over yourself! If he were actually interested, he probably would have done more than smile...
YDI.

Reply

HahaNoGoAway | 11

#5980941 - Thursday 19 June 2014 18:39

Amen! And just because someone smiles at you doesn't mean they find you attractive, did if ever cross your mind that he was just a nice person!?