Transportation: Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after... - FML

By blackandblue - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

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Proactive

Ungrateful

Chemical warfare

By numb fingers - United States - Banning

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

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By Speedy - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

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By fuckdubstep51 - United States - Willingboro

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

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By Pudgymom

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By unwanted daughter - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6-year-old patient. FML

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By Colormered - France

Today, I spent all day organizing a list of electronic parts for my boss. I found the easiest way was to color problem parts in the spreadsheet red and okay parts green. After I finished at the end of the day, I found out my boss is red-green colorblind. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 19:55

Fill her up

Today, I'm nearly done with my cortisol treatment for a persistent multi-day migraine. Good news: it actually stopped for the last two blissful, pain-free days. Bad news: apparently anything less than the maximum dose of cortisol doesn't prevent me from getting a new migraine. Here we go again. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

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By Unreality - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By lovegotmehung - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

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By Kylene - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By cryface - Canada - Toronto

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend he was like an animal in bed. He responded saying I was like a dead animal in bed. FML

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By notinterested - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By rubgy_lover - Canada - Surrey

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

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By Wisconsin love - United States

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

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By workerbee

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

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By happypineapple - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By onehitwonder

Balls

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

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By fucked - Canada

Devil's wages

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

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By BadassNinja - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

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By getslostinherownhouse - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

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By littledipper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By Veronica - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

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By "Anti_Sora"

Today, I tried to turn in a final exam online. When I went to check if it had been submitted Blackboard told me it did. My grade told a different story. FML

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By Saradee - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

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By RoastedbyNature

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By xtilltheendx - 5/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Thin walls

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

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Top comments

By fakeaccountX | 6

#1641272 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:03

You were "nervous?" Nice try, Pedobear!

By melibear89 | 7

#1641216 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:54

pay attention next time

COMMENTS

By haha89 | 0

#1641214 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:54

That would suck.

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1641918 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:42

Reminds me of the time I accidentally got in snoop dogs limo. we joked about hoes, he calked me dog I called him dude, it was a thing we had

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1642605 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:08

why is it that the first comment is always short and stupid like "that sux". The big rush to be first... idiots

Reply

BeachPanda | 0

#1642804 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:09

14...... win

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1642809 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:10

Why does it matter, 21?

Reply

xxxjj18 | 2

#1647229 - Thursday 4 November 2010 3:11

Cuz he's an EffinAHole... Lol

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#1650587 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:07

that's fucking hilarious

By melibear89 | 7

#1641216 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:54

pay attention next time

Reply

teddybobo | 2

#1645092 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 18:02

yeah you rapist

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4823980 - Friday 17 August 2012 1:29

It depends where OP was. I'd completely understand if OP was in a scary dark alley, or if OP was just a little jumpy.

By KatieKhaos | 0

#1641247 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:59

pay more attention next time. FYL op

By katielove27 | 0

#1641260 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:00

Poor girl, you scared her to death! YDI for not looking more carefully before jumping into the car

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3592518 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 6:06

Even if it was dark

By fakeaccountX | 6

#1641272 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:03

You were "nervous?" Nice try, Pedobear!

By FYLDeep | 25

#1641284 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:08

Why'd you get in if your friend wasn't in there? Not too bright, eh?

Reply

BakNBitz | 0

#1642091 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:21

He thought it was his friend's car, eh?

Reply

TheOtherNewest1 | 6

#1647289 - Thursday 4 November 2010 3:21

Canada, eh?
....
Wait, what?

By ChubbyCake | 5

#1641365 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:31

This happen to me once but without getting hit. It was a car full of guys though.

By HamsteronA | 0

#1641374 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:35

You shouldn't have been nervous. Random acts of violence don't occur often. Most fights break out because 1. People are drunk 2. You probably did something to provoke a fight 3. People are high and 4. Your some silly gangster with 'respect'.

Reply

hairt | 4

#1642613 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:11

um that's totally irrelevant to the fml :/

By edge1995 | 0

#1641381 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:38

simple lesson learned, look before aproaching!

By gabbygremlin | 0

#1641515 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 23:49

Wow. That is amazing!