Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after... - FML

By blackandblue - 2/11/2010 16:26 - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Boom, headshot

Non-baby fever

By Zephyric - 2/2/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

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By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2011 10:06 - Finland

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

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By reddd - 10/5/2012 06:44 - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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By MDoremis - 28/8/2016 19:24 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

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By thinner than you - 20/11/2012 21:57 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

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By Tee - 26/3/2010 08:48 - France

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

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By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - 24/7/2014 20:51 - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

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By UnwantedDaughter - 8/1/2019 20:00

Today, it's my birthday. My father didn't get me a birthday present or do anything for me, and acted as though he only came to visit because it was expected. Yet when it was his birthday a couple months ago, he expected me to take him out and pay for it FML

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By Jenny - 31/3/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

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By Come on - 29/1/2012 00:46 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

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By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2013 01:55 - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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By lk mm, n vwls - 11/1/2014 01:20 - United States - Mansfield Depot

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

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By halza - 30/5/2016 11:03 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

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By Inconnu - 18/6/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

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By ashamed - 14/12/2014 02:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2011 19:08 - United States

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 16:17 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By LondonKitsch - 26/6/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

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By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By Renter - 24/3/2011 14:54 - United States

Today, I received a bill for damage to my old apartment. The same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before I left. FML

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By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

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By alynna007 - 2/1/2013 10:31 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 04:17 - Canada

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

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By mariana - 8/2/2014 00:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By Vassy - 4/12/2012 18:51 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

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By toe - 3/2/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML

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By phlyingphuck - 31/8/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

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By seriously - 17/12/2014 13:33 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By hard - 9/8/2010 07:07 - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By Qwe - 20/3/2016 01:22 - United States - North Attleboro

Today, I dropped my wallet and it fell into the perfectly sized hole in the storm drain. FML

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By poor_college_kid - 15/9/2016 12:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I found out that I owe my college a little over $10,000. Why? Because, due to a slight misspelling of my name, the scholarship that I have been going insane trying to meet the requirements for is not actually giving me any funding. FML

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By holler - 15/9/2011 04:22 - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By barista - 5/12/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, a customer tried to pay for a $1.55 cup of coffee with a gift card, but he came up a dollar short. He let another customer through while he fumbled in his pocket for money. I later noticed a dollar had disappeared from my tip jar. FML

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Top comments

By fakeaccountX | 6

#1641272 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:03

You were "nervous?" Nice try, Pedobear!

By melibear89 | 7

#1641216 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:54

pay attention next time

COMMENTS

By haha89 | 0

#1641214 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:54

That would suck.

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1641918 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:42

Reminds me of the time I accidentally got in snoop dogs limo. we joked about hoes, he calked me dog I called him dude, it was a thing we had

Reply

EffinAhole | 0

#1642605 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:08

why is it that the first comment is always short and stupid like "that sux". The big rush to be first... idiots

Reply

BeachPanda | 0

#1642804 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:09

14...... win

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1642809 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:10

Why does it matter, 21?

Reply

xxxjj18 | 2

#1647229 - Thursday 4 November 2010 3:11

Cuz he's an EffinAHole... Lol

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#1650587 - Thursday 4 November 2010 19:07

that's fucking hilarious

By melibear89 | 7

#1641216 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:54

pay attention next time

Reply

teddybobo | 2

#1645092 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 18:02

yeah you rapist

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4823980 - Friday 17 August 2012 1:29

It depends where OP was. I'd completely understand if OP was in a scary dark alley, or if OP was just a little jumpy.

By KatieKhaos | 0

#1641247 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:59

pay more attention next time. FYL op

By katielove27 | 0

#1641260 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:00

Poor girl, you scared her to death! YDI for not looking more carefully before jumping into the car

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3592518 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 6:06

Even if it was dark

By fakeaccountX | 6

#1641272 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:03

You were "nervous?" Nice try, Pedobear!

By FYLDeep | 25

#1641284 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:08

Why'd you get in if your friend wasn't in there? Not too bright, eh?

Reply

BakNBitz | 0

#1642091 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 2:21

He thought it was his friend's car, eh?

Reply

TheOtherNewest1 | 6

#1647289 - Thursday 4 November 2010 3:21

Canada, eh?
....
Wait, what?

By ChubbyCake | 5

#1641365 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:31

This happen to me once but without getting hit. It was a car full of guys though.

By HamsteronA | 0

#1641374 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:35

You shouldn't have been nervous. Random acts of violence don't occur often. Most fights break out because 1. People are drunk 2. You probably did something to provoke a fight 3. People are high and 4. Your some silly gangster with 'respect'.

Reply

hairt | 4

#1642613 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:11

um that's totally irrelevant to the fml :/

By edge1995 | 0

#1641381 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:38

simple lesson learned, look before aproaching!

By gabbygremlin | 0

#1641515 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 23:49

Wow. That is amazing!