Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

by shadowfigure / 01/23/2011 at 12:47am / United States (Alaska) / Kids

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

by quarterback / 01/23/2011 at 12:43am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

by krushr / 01/23/2011 at 12:32am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

by RBHSWedgieGirl / 01/22/2011 at 8:35pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 7:12pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

by ohsnap / 01/22/2011 at 4:24pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML

by ihatemyparents / 01/22/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

by jester777 / 01/22/2011 at 12:39pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

by mortified / 01/22/2011 at 11:04am / United Kingdom (Bristol) / Intimacy

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

by fmlalways / 01/22/2011 at 8:00am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Intimacy

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

by meeeoow / 01/22/2011 at 5:05am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

by Theaccident / 01/22/2011 at 5:03am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy