Miscellaneous: Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery... - FML

By Insensitive - 15/04/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 394

You deserved it 53 500

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dysfunctional

Dementia or hate? You decide

By hjkashld - 24/04/2012 01:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 485

You deserved it 36 359

Shaving!

By John Doe - 07/01/2020 05:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 440

The long con

By Anonymous - 25/09/2020 23:01 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 180

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 931

You deserved it 2 751

By ohiochibi - 03/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out with him, then it transitioned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex private messages me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 356

You deserved it 47 812

What's your emergency?

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 273

By Anonymous - 24/08/2016 12:16

Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 452

You deserved it 965

By ghoul - 08/03/2011 11:32

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 782

You deserved it 4 212

It's not what you think!

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 14:01

Today, I bought my daughter a rape alarm after she had a near-miss with a creep following her to her part-time job. As soon as I handed it to her in the car park, she accidentally set it off and one of her coworker's put me in a rather painful headlock and threw me to the ground, breaking my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 109

By Scarred - 04/09/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 904

You deserved it 5 639

By bill219 - 07/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Spicy

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 25 957

By devourer, apparently - 14/08/2018 22:18

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 369

You deserved it 248

By unemployed - 20/04/2013 00:16 - El Salvador - San Salvador

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 723

You deserved it 3 369

Backhanded

By wtf - 14/09/2011 18:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 869

You deserved it 4 461

By guyshithappensto - 22/05/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 097

You deserved it 41 650

By grounded4life - 22/07/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 332

You deserved it 83 257

By justmyluck25 - 23/07/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 748

You deserved it 11 873

By Relevance - 13/08/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 030

You deserved it 7 782

Smash the patriarchy

By caveman logic - 12/08/2021 06:01

Today, I overheard my niece telling my daughter that a woman’s only real purpose in life is to find a good man and make sure he’s happy. This includes having his babies, cooking his meals, and submitting to him in any way he asks. My sister is a business owner. I have no idea where she got this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 117

By lowly101 - 09/08/2016 19:15

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 464

You deserved it 1 454

By benander - 15/09/2009 21:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 825

You deserved it 4 089

By Nick - 26/01/2010 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 701

You deserved it 18 092

My package

By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 380

You deserved it 677

By Dgama - 17/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 583

You deserved it 152

Friends and family

By Anonymous - 19/08/2021 09:59

Today, it was my birthday. None of my family members wished me a happy birthday and neither did the 1,000+ "friends" I have on Facebook either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 757

You deserved it 297

By wtfisthisworldcomingto - 25/04/2011 12:11

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 365

You deserved it 7 356

By ShiddyDiddy - 26/06/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 180

By brokeandcardless - 13/01/2016 12:15 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 2 589

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 20:02 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 995

You deserved it 4 200

By wowzer - 28/08/2014 19:58 - Puerto Rico - Gurabo

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 294

You deserved it 3 601

By fd - 16/01/2009 13:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 466

You deserved it 38 283

By cjay2200 - 28/08/2011 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 112

You deserved it 9 878

By Anonymous - 11/07/2017 14:40 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was feeling down and decided to eat one of my roommate's chocolate Pop-Tarts to cheer myself up. I took a big bite and thought it tasted "off". It was full of live maggots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 182

You deserved it 2 580

By Anonymous - 12/08/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 088

You deserved it 4 483

Wet noodle

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like having sex with me, because I get too wet and it makes him go limp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 75

Gratitude walks

By mala_19 - 18/08/2021 02:00 - Sweden - Skellefteå

Today, my 11 month-old son stopped saying mom and started saying dad. He already looks exactly like him. I can't help but feel jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 231

You kinda deserved that one

By hlev24 - 03/03/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 141

You deserved it 109 946

By mile high clubber - 14/07/2013 10:41 - United States - Bensalem

Spicy

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 025

You deserved it 13 643

The price is wrong

By Anonymous - 20/07/2020 08:01

Today, I have to pay a $20 customs fee on the replacement charging cord for my tablet pen, bringing the total up to $60 I’ve paid for this $4 cord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 198

You deserved it 273

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Mike - 27/05/2021 22:01

Today, my dreams are populated mostly by grocery store employees, people from NextDoor, my cat, and people I haven’t seen in 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 95

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:56

Big whoop, you were talking on the phone. If she cared she can fuck off.

katherinebby17 28

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:54

that's not really a big deal you didn't know she had burns

Comments

katherinebby17 28

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:54

that's not really a big deal you didn't know she had burns

LordOfTheHobos 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:55

Maybe she viewed it as a positive comment? Inspirational? I dont know.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:55

aw, what unfortunate timing. kinda hard to anticipate something like that, though. don't feel too bad.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:56

Big whoop, you were talking on the phone. If she cared she can fuck off.

Send a private message

Thursday 8 April 2010 7:12

I love your attitude! that's what I was gonna say too :)

Send a private message

Thursday 26 August 2010 4:36

that was epic

Send a private message

Saturday 25 December 2010 9:09

I agree with 92.

Send a private message

Saturday 20 June 2015 17:04

FTW!

DrHeartSurgeon 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 March 2016 2:09

Do you know how painful it is to get burnt, not to mention years of daily painful dressing changes and many surgeries.....

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:57

fake...

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:58

Bad timing, but not really a big deal. It's not like you said it to her.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:59

YDI for calling your cell phone a mobile

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:00

I clicked "you deserved that one" simply because you called it a mobile.

Send a private message

Thursday 4 February 2010 19:28

a "cell" is a stupid name for it. at least mobile (phone) makes sense!

Send a private message

Sunday 7 August 2011 6:14

well, beffburger, since this fml isnt worth commenting about, im going to comment on the fact that "cell" is short for "cellular" which comes from "cellular device." you probably knew all that but cell is shorter than mobile and we all know that humans are lazy so cell is more ideal. thank you, and good night.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:01

haha #8 you're my new best friend

EffinWhosLife 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:01

How the hell is this an FML? Nothing happened to you.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 24

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 146