Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the... - FML

By blehh - 14/4/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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Ambien conversations are the worst

Social distancing gone wrong

The end of the road

By cheese - 26/9/2013 21:31 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about the money they owe me for my photography services at their wedding. We had agreed on a fair price, but now they're pissed, claiming that I'm being selfish and should consider it my wedding gift to them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2017 20:00

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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By Ksweety_fml - 1/8/2019 02:00

Today, somebody in a store was talking about a girl who had a snake, and while I was walking out the store, an old lady asked me if I was the girl with the snake. I said no, to which she replied, "Oh, because you look like someone who would." FML

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By erectioninfection - 1/5/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By danman - 14/4/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, my fiancé turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2012 19:10 - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 14:33 - United States

Today, I got fired from my recently acquired job at a doctor's office because I don't "agree with family values". The way I'm disrespecting their "family values"? I'm gay. FML

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By asdfghjkl_12 - 25/2/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2015 05:10 - United States

Today, my husband missed the toilet again. I would have been less disgusted if he'd peed this time. FML

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By Piano999 - 21/2/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

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By manhood fading away - 25/12/2016 20:24 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

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By miji - 30/10/2018 19:42

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By Not Jewish - 2/3/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

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By OneGirlsLife - 22/9/2017 16:00

Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2018 15:00

Today, my wife informed me that she wants a boyfriend but doesn't want a divorce. Also, apparently I'm horrible for not "respecting her feelings" when I told her she can't have both. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By FlGirl - 24/12/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

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By knickedleg - 22/5/2010 07:03 - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 07:14

Happy quarantine!

Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML

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By ColoredPencil13 - 10/5/2014 13:35 - United States - Baytown

Today, my mom made a Facebook post about me starting my period and for everyone to be nice to me. FML

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By pencilskirt - 22/3/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML

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By laury - 9/5/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

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By ashleyevans - 4/4/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By OutOfMyMind - 22/10/2013 00:12 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 08:23 - France

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

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By missedout - 5/2/2013 22:48 - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 20/1/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 11:53 - Australia

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

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By 30Jenna - 13/7/2011 22:01 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

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By picasso - 5/2/2013 13:09 - United States

Today, I was partnered up with a girl in my art class, since the teacher had asked us to take turns drawing portraits of each other. I went first and felt pretty proud of how the drawing turned out. I showed it to her and she said "That's OK. I'm not good at drawing either." FML

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By ashamed - 28/10/2019 02:00

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By cheeseburglar_9000 - 21/3/2013 01:11 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

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By gross - 6/8/2015 17:28 - United States

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

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By lamb-chop - 2/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

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Top comments

By Lobster_fml | 0

#111912 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:52

That's your fault. Wouldn't you know that you are constipated?

By craigahh | 0

#111976 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 2:04

That's why you should live in Canada.

COMMENTS

By I_Hate_Cars | 0

#111896 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:54

Headache, heartburn, indigestion, stomachache diarrhea! There's gotta be some pepto around your house, you didn't try that?

Reply

HahaNOTFunnyx_x | 0

#3977824 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 22:49

*Upset Stomach

By blland | 0

#111904 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:52

whose fault is that now?

Reply

BamBAmGG | 14

#6234787 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 7:14

His grandma's.. because she didn't share her prune juice with him

By Cluztycutie0728 | 0

#111911 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:52

First!!

Wow that sucks! How did they not figure that out sooner? Sorry!

By Lobster_fml | 0

#111912 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:52

That's your fault. Wouldn't you know that you are constipated?

By MochaBlues | 0

#111935 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 2:05

At least it's only that; you're lucky it wasn't worse.

By halfpass | 0

#111937 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:57

You, sir, are a total pussy. Congrats.

By kitkatkelly | 0

#111943 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 1:57

The doctors should have asked pretty early on when was your last bowel movement. Sucky :(

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#111969 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 2:02

YDI for going to the doctor for a stomach cramp.

By roflcopter1 | 0

#111974 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 2:04

spell it right...its stomach..dumb bitch...haha and that is an FML

By craigahh | 0

#111976 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 2:04

That's why you should live in Canada.

Reply

ruffles94 | 16

#6427506 - Monday 5 October 2015 13:53

181 it wouldn't but he wouldn't have a huge bill for his health care