Kids: Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I... - FML

By christinabear - 15/04/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 852

You deserved it 88 696

Sorry…

Vulture

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

By eaa145 - 03/03/2009 21:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158 078

You deserved it 18 190

By stew - 23/06/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 978

You deserved it 3 847

Happy Holidays!

By dazedandconfused - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 629

You deserved it 569

By Anonymous - 07/11/2010 00:42 - United States

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 396

You deserved it 3 095

By unknown - 26/02/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 059

You deserved it 30 796

By HappyBirthday - 28/05/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 273

You deserved it 4 747

By themcdave - 19/05/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 522

You deserved it 4 526

By WTF Mom - 21/05/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered the reason my 12-year-old brother has been anxious and afraid of cops for the last 6 months. My crazy mother convinced him that porn is illegal and comes with a death penalty. She did the same thing to me when I was his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 949

You deserved it 458

Almost there

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a better job offer out of the blue, more pay, less work. I informally accepted and handed my notice as legally required. They rescinded the job offer. I'm now unemployed at the end of hiring season. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 203

By an idiot - 16/02/2013 18:03 - Australia

Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a funeral. He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners. I'm not sure who's more pathetic: him for doing such a thing, or me for bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 927

You deserved it 7 789

By thankssiren - 24/05/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 352

You deserved it 5 973

By Mary - 16/02/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 839

You deserved it 3 055

Narcissists never unite!

By bntje - 14/04/2013 20:39 - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 599

You deserved it 3 824

By hater - 16/03/2010 10:55

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 163

You deserved it 14 806

By tabbycacti - 30/11/2015 13:06 - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 879

You deserved it 1 772

By Christina - 29/06/2012 05:31 - United States - Aurora

Spicy

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 365

You deserved it 3 080

By Fml37 - 20/12/2009 05:13 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 528

You deserved it 4 719

By TheAngryBird - 28/06/2012 04:51 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 328

You deserved it 2 697

By notsoclean - 24/12/2010 21:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 318

You deserved it 3 670

By teaspoonzz - 25/10/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 537

You deserved it 267

By anonymous - 01/03/2013 15:52 - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 131

You deserved it 2 765

By screwed - 10/02/2013 10:41 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 459

You deserved it 4 266

By zac545 - 19/02/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 879

You deserved it 11 194

By steve - 23/12/2011 03:02 - United States

Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 419

You deserved it 35 750

By likesboys - 19/05/2010 12:00 - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 877

You deserved it 4 960

By Holy Testacles - 17/10/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 584

You deserved it 7 684

By DHarman - 25/05/2010 23:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 535

You deserved it 4 045

By aintgotnoteeth - 19/07/2016 17:53

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 253

You deserved it 1 129

By cero_kewl - 05/03/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 2 940

By great 1st impression - 25/05/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 673

You deserved it 7 857

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 09:24 - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 645

You deserved it 6 920

By Shalamar - 15/12/2009 01:30 - Canada

Today, the new guy at work - who is probably at least ten years older than I am - admired the photo on my desk of myself with my husband and teenage daughters and asked "Are those your grand-children?" I'm in my 40's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 256

You deserved it 2 758

By fishwizard - 02/06/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 707

You deserved it 3 871

By KN - 25/06/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 814

You deserved it 12 504

By senelbeat - 03/07/2009 15:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 129

You deserved it 8 526

By burned - 24/05/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 074

You deserved it 63 950

By Anonymous - 09/08/2015 03:53 - United States

Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 687

You deserved it 2 329

By Disappointed - 19/02/2014 21:33 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 910

You deserved it 3 406

By paging dr. kevorkian - 16/05/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 705

You deserved it 5 896

By NOOOOOO - 16/08/2015 23:18 - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 084

You deserved it 2 465

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:13

And why weren't you down there to enjoy this lovely recital?

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:15

Ok here's what you do: fall down the stairs, and pretend like you just woke up from a dream. Then comment on how bad the (insert random sport's team) was playing in your dream, while looking surprised at why everyone is staring at you.

Comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:10

FIRST

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:57

FIRST to reply to the FIRST comment:)

Send a private message

Thursday 1 April 2010 3:48

First to reply to the first person who replied O_o

Send a private message

Saturday 24 April 2010 17:30

4?!

chick_football 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 5 May 2010 1:53

Haha well hun, maybe you shouldnt have said it. Even if it was your mother. That's just plain mean! haha well that was still amazing lol

wafflesgirl24 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 January 2011 14:25

poor kid :( you should take your cousin out to make it up!

Send a private message

Sunday 27 March 2011 17:05

Hey the truth hurts. lol jk

Send a private message

Monday 5 September 2011 14:30

Sucks to be you! :3

rttr 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 January 2012 6:29

Luck bitch :) but seriously, no one cares

Fireashes250 16

Send a private message

Thursday 25 July 2013 2:32

Probably not the FIRST to not give a shit, #1

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:13

And why weren't you down there to enjoy this lovely recital?

Send a private message

Wednesday 22 September 2010 2:30

ydi jerk

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:13

[email protected] awful! and #1 you're a loser

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:14

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Wednesday 22 August 2012 11:33

I don't know.... Maybe shatter a five year olds dreams? Idiot.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:15

I chose FYL, because you not only weren't invited but you got woken up by it. They deserved it!

KyokoSakuraChan 15

Send a private message

Sunday 26 October 2014 2:05

I know I'm a bad person, but you are kinda right..

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:15

Ok here's what you do: fall down the stairs, and pretend like you just woke up from a dream. Then comment on how bad the (insert random sport's team) was playing in your dream, while looking surprised at why everyone is staring at you.

Send a private message

Tuesday 17 June 2014 23:59

Epic

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:15

Sooooo. they had the recital at like 630 am? Or are you a fat slob that doesn't have a job and fell asleep after having too many Cheetos?

Send a private message

Tuesday 17 April 2018 22:13

Or they work nights, or they are on vacation, or they are sick. There are a lot of valid reasons this situation could have played out. There isn't any reason to be a dick about it

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:17

Today, I had been practicing at the piano for several weeks, and I was going to play a recital for my entire family, so I was pretty nervous. After I got started I was feeling pretty good about myself, but then I heard something in the background. I didn't realize my older cousin was upstairs sleeping. What I heard was her yelling "You suck, stop playing!" I'm five years old. FML.

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:19

@9 Lma0! Bwahahahaa!!!

Ohnoitslindsay 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 April 2009 16:19

Why would you be so rude to your mother in the first place? Kids these days. I wouldn't even do that to my roommate, and she didn't give birth to me.

Send a private message

Sunday 11 March 2012 18:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

RustlingSoul 26

Send a private message

Saturday 17 January 2015 1:39

preach!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 291