Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

by sashimieater / 05/30/2011 at 9:59pm / United States (Mississippi) / Work

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

by thiswouldonlyhappentome / 05/30/2011 at 8:33pm / Aruba / Animals

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to let me give her a foot massage after she had a long day at work. Halfway through, she fell asleep. Wanting to see how ticklish she actually was, I started to tickle her feet. She then kicked me straight in the nuts whilst sleeping. FML

by anon80214 / 05/30/2011 at 3:15pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

by OopsKid / 05/30/2011 at 2:14pm / France / Miscellaneous

iAmScrubs's comment : That is not as embarrassing as when you accidently call your teacher dad or mom

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Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2011 at 2:11pm / United States (Iowa) / Money

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

by trev / 05/30/2011 at 12:12pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Health

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

by Jess / 05/30/2011 at 11:46am / United States / Miscellaneous

khaya's comment : Well it could have been worse, she could have started to strip and then demand money.

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Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

by skigal24 / 05/30/2011 at 10:59am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

by Miramichi / 05/30/2011 at 8:18am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Love

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2011 at 4:28am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

by kingpin9219 / 05/30/2011 at 12:29am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Feklfekl2222's comment : looks like it was a good thing you dumped her if she's that senssitive

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Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

by weddingblues / 05/30/2011 at 12:19am / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

by yummy / 05/29/2011 at 11:34pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy