By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 06:44 - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Serious times

Recycling helps

By James - 5/11/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

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By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By thatguythere858 - 13/8/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By thisguy - 8/10/2013 09:55 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By Username - 17/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

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By oddgrrl99 - 23/7/2013 22:42 - United States - Portage

Addicted

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

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By iscreamforicecream - 1/6/2011 11:53 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2009 10:10 - Netherlands

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

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By badmom101 - 16/5/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 02:05 - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 14:56 - United States

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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By bunnyluver4545 - 11/1/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

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By chloecamp - 15/7/2014 03:35 - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

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By markerThief - 13/10/2013 04:33 - United States - Apple Valley

Today, I jokingly told my friend that I was the kid who stole his brand new glow-in-the-dark markers back in kindergarten. Now he's ignoring my texts and calls and says we're through. So much for our twelve years of friendship. FML

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By notenoughsex - 19/3/2009 05:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 05:00

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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By collegegrad - 15/10/2013 15:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2013 19:33 - United States - Little Rock

Today, after a long couple of months working non-stop, I finally got someone to cover my shift. Turns out she was joking, and when I didn't show up for work, I had been fired. FML

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By C BOMB - 14/9/2015 23:58 - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2015 19:11

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

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By ticked - 6/10/2009 13:01 - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

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By nobodywasthere - 12/9/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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By calebeutsler - 11/9/2011 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at a pie auction. During it, I had to hold a pie in a glass case to be sold. In the middle of the auction, I raised my hand to scratch my face, and dropped the pie and broke the glass. It was worth $1000. FML

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By Bobsaget00 - 4/8/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 04:00

Today, I made eye-contact with a cute guy in a store. Too bad he saw me buying anti-diarrhea medicine. FML

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By modprobs - 3/8/2018 01:30

Perfect timing...

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

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By anonymous - 3/1/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

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By freshman - 25/3/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

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By save me - 30/5/2014 22:33 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, things got so bad with my mother-in-law that I seriously considered faking my entire family's deaths to escape it all. FML

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By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/5/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 12:00

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc - 2/4/2014 21:22 - Denmark - Herning

Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 03:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Backwards world

Today, my life is so messed up that when I got pulled over, the officer asked about my life and not only did I not receive a ticket, he made me write down his personal number, patrol number and to call if I ever needed a favor or to talk, telling me that I had a friend in him. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I marked the 6th anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML

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By boyfriendisatoss - 26/12/2009 07:22 - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 05:00

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2018 15:00

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

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Top comments

By zadok24 | 11

#6364444 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Well, at least it's not dry anymore

By Attacksloth | 33

#6364448 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:28

Well at least you know you can still make women wet for you.

COMMENTS

By zadok24 | 11

#6364444 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Well, at least it's not dry anymore

whysobeachy | 37

#6364475 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:44

Yeah, OP is living a dream...a wet dream.

Econforthwin | 15

#6364500 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 19:09

That long of a dry spell must have pissed OP off.

By delfino1604 | 24

#6364445 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

hey that's awesome bro.

mds9986 | 24

#6365005 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 5:12

Your picture is sideways; I'm not sure if you realized.

By MidnaLink | 32

#6364446 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Wouldn't you feel it?

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6364669 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 22:58

At least it wasn't OP that pissed the bed

By Attacksloth | 33

#6364448 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:28

Well at least you know you can still make women wet for you.

By axfabxdisaster | 25

#6364451 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:29

Atleast she's straight forward :/

By swanheart | 35

#6364452 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:29

"No, did I?" - try a joke and see how she reacts. she may have been trying to break the tension with humour. If so great, if not get out quick!

whynotbliss | 18

#6365341 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 15:19

Kinda late to go back and do as you suggested, don't ya think?!

swanheart | 35

#6365643 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 22:23

You are correct sir, thank you for correcting me. Now run along - if you are going to correct everyone on this site who has made a similar mistake then you need to start right away!

swanheart | 35

#6365646 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 22:27

Oh man, I said 'correct' there a lot didn't I? To be fair, I did just learn it today...

Levvy | 22

#6365813 - Thursday 30 July 2015 1:03

I'm not quite as confident all that many people on the site have struggled with linear time.

swanheart | 35

#6366059 - Thursday 30 July 2015 7:53

I think you will find that gazillions of people on this site have struggled with that concept. Or they will do, depending on what direction time flows in this universe. :)

By Shakazulu1216 | 13

#6364457 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:31

Good job, sir.

By cksmith51 | 14

#6364460 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:32

Congrats on getting laid!

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6364461 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:33

She could have said worse.. seriously, what's the problem? What if she asked you 'how drunk was I?!'

By zyero | 9

#6364463 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:34

The question is was the beauty worth it, and do you at least remember the sex or was it one of those drunken accidents?