By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28135

You deserved it

3355

Favorite

Intimacy

Proactive

Messed up

Gas giant

By Anonymous

Today, my mother-in-law flushed my pain medicine because she believes I’ve been using it too long and I’m addicted. I had surgery four days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3664

You deserved it

141

Favorite

By ItGirl - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39423

You deserved it

3344

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 05:32 - India - Mumbai

Haircut, haircuuuut

Today, I came to the decision that I needed some variety in my life, so I decided to get a haircut. My mom insisted that she could do it and that she had experience because she cuts my dad's short hair. I had thick, long hair. Now, my hair is uneven, ugly and short. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1028

You deserved it

648

Favorite

By Vegetarian - Finland

Today, I found out that the so-called vegetarian soy sauce my mom has made for me several times has minced meat in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27155

You deserved it

13444

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26085

You deserved it

36716

Favorite

By Michelle C - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28651

You deserved it

5505

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12629

You deserved it

53168

Favorite

By TooYoungForThis - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard that I threw my back out. Now my back is in agonizing pain, and I can barely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45073

You deserved it

4972

Favorite

By jay-frey96 - United States - San Diego

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45491

You deserved it

13893

Favorite

By Blake Lawrence - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26720

You deserved it

2594

Favorite

By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16371

You deserved it

34763

Favorite

By OhNo - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22461

You deserved it

3521

Favorite

By argh - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7083

You deserved it

33345

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40123

You deserved it

11219

Favorite

By Rawrssa - United States

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I'm allergic to the cough drops I've been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31368

You deserved it

3453

Favorite

By mel - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24691

You deserved it

3114

Favorite

By twatstick - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47653

You deserved it

3350

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 05:03

He's still right, though

Today, my dad snapped at me for assuming that Eminem was the one to come up with the phrase, “Will the real ___ please stand up?” since that was the only time I’ve heard it. Apparently, I “always assume things are modern”. So I asked him where in fact the phrase came from and guess what? He didn’t know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

675

You deserved it

164

Favorite

By Erik Aleckson

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1768

You deserved it

125

Favorite

By iGreen - Canada

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35443

You deserved it

3597

Favorite

By xtammyle - Australia - Lower Plenty

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34508

You deserved it

4486

Favorite

By BlakeVB

Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1832

You deserved it

260

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30722

You deserved it

38475

Favorite

By brunnells22 - 23/6/2020 23:00

Bob the Builder

Today, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for building an Ikea shelf/dresser combo completely by myself. When going to put the last drawer together, I dropped one of the boards. The corner landed perfectly in the middle of my phone screen, shattering it. It's going to cost $230 to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1269

You deserved it

235

Favorite

By Dark_Cecilia - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21944

You deserved it

2694

Favorite

By Undefined - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

23253

You deserved it

8544

Favorite

By Ashleigh - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37638

You deserved it

3469

Favorite

By Emmmsie

Today, my new passport arrived, along with my expired one and its 20-year-old picture. I was comparing the photos when my husband came to look. He laughed and said, "Time is cruel." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5195

You deserved it

460

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 14:01

Taking sides

Today, after months of not wanting anything to do with her dad, my three-year-old was over her phase. During dinner, I play-shoved my husband and he did it back. Our daughter saw him and now keeps saying, "It’s not nice to push mommy." We’re back to square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

710

You deserved it

237

Favorite

By nothisfault - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18845

You deserved it

29292

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - New Malden

Today, my husband actually tried to pay me to forget about the affair that he's been having. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50711

You deserved it

4424

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 05:04

NRA fanboy

Today, I finally confronted my husband about his silicon *wedding ring* having rifle bullets on it. He said, "I love you as much as I love guns." I clarified, "As much as?" to give him an out. He replied, 100% serious, that he really loves his guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

800

You deserved it

379

Favorite

By LittleRed - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29887

You deserved it

4241

Favorite

By tim12345 - United States

Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33070

You deserved it

3552

Favorite

By pimplesapparently - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21105

You deserved it

2752

Favorite

By oncehipjr - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48250

You deserved it

4508

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Trick question

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13545

You deserved it

33521

Favorite

By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1372

You deserved it

595

Favorite

By N - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34675

You deserved it

5343

Favorite

By ummno - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42381

You deserved it

13500

Favorite

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Top comments

By zadok24 | 11

#6364444 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Well, at least it's not dry anymore

By Attacksloth | 33

#6364448 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:28

Well at least you know you can still make women wet for you.

COMMENTS

By zadok24 | 11

#6364444 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Well, at least it's not dry anymore

whysobeachy | 37

#6364475 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:44

Yeah, OP is living a dream...a wet dream.

Econforthwin | 15

#6364500 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 19:09

That long of a dry spell must have pissed OP off.

By delfino1604 | 24

#6364445 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

hey that's awesome bro.

mds9986 | 24

#6365005 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 5:12

Your picture is sideways; I'm not sure if you realized.

By MidnaLink | 32

#6364446 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Wouldn't you feel it?

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6364669 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 22:58

At least it wasn't OP that pissed the bed

By Attacksloth | 33

#6364448 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:28

Well at least you know you can still make women wet for you.

By axfabxdisaster | 25

#6364451 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:29

Atleast she's straight forward :/

By swanheart | 35

#6364452 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:29

"No, did I?" - try a joke and see how she reacts. she may have been trying to break the tension with humour. If so great, if not get out quick!

whynotbliss | 18

#6365341 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 15:19

Kinda late to go back and do as you suggested, don't ya think?!

swanheart | 35

#6365643 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 22:23

You are correct sir, thank you for correcting me. Now run along - if you are going to correct everyone on this site who has made a similar mistake then you need to start right away!

swanheart | 35

#6365646 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 22:27

Oh man, I said 'correct' there a lot didn't I? To be fair, I did just learn it today...

Levvy | 22

#6365813 - Thursday 30 July 2015 1:03

I'm not quite as confident all that many people on the site have struggled with linear time.

swanheart | 35

#6366059 - Thursday 30 July 2015 7:53

I think you will find that gazillions of people on this site have struggled with that concept. Or they will do, depending on what direction time flows in this universe. :)

By Shakazulu1216 | 13

#6364457 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:31

Good job, sir.

By cksmith51 | 14

#6364460 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:32

Congrats on getting laid!

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6364461 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:33

She could have said worse.. seriously, what's the problem? What if she asked you 'how drunk was I?!'

By zyero | 9

#6364463 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:34

The question is was the beauty worth it, and do you at least remember the sex or was it one of those drunken accidents?