By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28145

You deserved it

3357

Favorite

Intimacy

Walk on the wild side

Sick burn

Boom, headshot

By relievedbutashamed

Today, I left a coffee shop abruptly to go to my car to let out some really bad and loud gas. My window was partly open because it's broken. A stranger was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. He looked terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1833

You deserved it

381

Favorite

By bob - United States

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52830

You deserved it

5446

Favorite

By mooseknuckle - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21733

You deserved it

50658

Favorite

By lilybelle11 - 3/11/2020 08:02 - Australia - Brisbane

New quest

Today, it became apparent that my boyfriend only showers when he levels up on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

880

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By kkbb - United States

Today, I figured out it's the first time my roommate has done the dishes after living together an entire year, but I got to clean up the bubble waterfall that came pouring out of the dishwasher because she couldn't figure out where the detergent was supposed to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23427

You deserved it

2545

Favorite

By fmlimoverit - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30161

You deserved it

3673

Favorite

By t-dawg - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9779

You deserved it

84243

Favorite

By Allergic - United States

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40286

You deserved it

3437

Favorite

By not even - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13574

You deserved it

2713

Favorite

By Hth - United States

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

I agree, your life sucks

8987

You deserved it

29765

Favorite

By deathbysnoosnoo - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25768

You deserved it

5547

Favorite

By thisreallysucks2 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

128456

You deserved it

24310

Favorite

By theothercassie

Today, I reported in for my first day at work. When I walked in they asked "Who are you?" I answered "Cassie, it's my first day today" with a huge smile. They'd meant to call and offer the job to the other Cassie they interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36455

You deserved it

2592

Favorite

By nonmormon - United States

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

58984

You deserved it

4256

Favorite

By safetyfirst - Taiwan

Gift for you

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31380

You deserved it

21342

Favorite

By (-,..,-) - France

Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing". The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26964

You deserved it

1705

Favorite

By KornyKid - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24670

You deserved it

4253

Favorite

By hard_headed - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15844

You deserved it

22919

Favorite

By Sugao - France

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37888

You deserved it

7575

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

Retail stinks

Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1216

You deserved it

Favorite

By Xia - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31714

You deserved it

16103

Favorite

By junior - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20214

You deserved it

46256

Favorite

By Itsbeen8years - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34874

You deserved it

3850

Favorite

By Jeff make - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20353

You deserved it

34390

Favorite

By thatonegirl.SBS. - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27230

You deserved it

2169

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21347

You deserved it

81535

Favorite

By schmoodles - United States

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22748

You deserved it

70774

Favorite

By boyfriendisatoss - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23348

You deserved it

5064

Favorite

By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22323

You deserved it

2576

Favorite

By cherrycokeee - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29820

You deserved it

7014

Favorite

By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35577

You deserved it

6191

Favorite

By shots shots shots - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27323

You deserved it

2969

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 17:01

Healthcare is broken

Today, after driving 3 and a half hours to the nearest major emergency room, waiting 7+ hours to see my grandfather's bowel cancer specialist, we were told to go back to our hotel. Why? The triage nurse never logged my grandfather into the system, so his doctor went home at 9.00 p.m. when he'd finished theatre. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1162

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my road test. I'd never had driver's training and my mom taught me how to drive. I failed the test so badly, and when I got home my mom admitted to having taught me how to drive completely wrong because she didn't want me to get my license as she thinks I'm too young. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58765

You deserved it

4531

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5217

You deserved it

598

Favorite

By sleeper - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26217

You deserved it

6046

Favorite

By Milly - 29/3/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Family ties

Today, I disconnected and hid the WiFi router and told my kids and husband I wanted an hour together doing family stuff. I failed miserably. Rather than spend an hour together, they spent nearly 2 hours separately tearing the house apart for the router. Now the house is a mess and I’m still lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1121

You deserved it

486

Favorite

By nope!

Meanwhile, in 1953…

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1746

You deserved it

247

Favorite

By dwhitehouse - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30048

You deserved it

2979

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18777

You deserved it

54492

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By zadok24 | 11

#6364444 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Well, at least it's not dry anymore

By Attacksloth | 33

#6364448 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:28

Well at least you know you can still make women wet for you.

COMMENTS

By zadok24 | 11

#6364444 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Well, at least it's not dry anymore

whysobeachy | 37

#6364475 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:44

Yeah, OP is living a dream...a wet dream.

Econforthwin | 15

#6364500 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 19:09

That long of a dry spell must have pissed OP off.

By delfino1604 | 24

#6364445 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

hey that's awesome bro.

mds9986 | 24

#6365005 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 5:12

Your picture is sideways; I'm not sure if you realized.

By MidnaLink | 32

#6364446 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:27

Wouldn't you feel it?

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6364669 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 22:58

At least it wasn't OP that pissed the bed

By Attacksloth | 33

#6364448 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:28

Well at least you know you can still make women wet for you.

By axfabxdisaster | 25

#6364451 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:29

Atleast she's straight forward :/

By swanheart | 35

#6364452 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:29

"No, did I?" - try a joke and see how she reacts. she may have been trying to break the tension with humour. If so great, if not get out quick!

whynotbliss | 18

#6365341 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 15:19

Kinda late to go back and do as you suggested, don't ya think?!

swanheart | 35

#6365643 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 22:23

You are correct sir, thank you for correcting me. Now run along - if you are going to correct everyone on this site who has made a similar mistake then you need to start right away!

swanheart | 35

#6365646 - Wednesday 29 July 2015 22:27

Oh man, I said 'correct' there a lot didn't I? To be fair, I did just learn it today...

Levvy | 22

#6365813 - Thursday 30 July 2015 1:03

I'm not quite as confident all that many people on the site have struggled with linear time.

swanheart | 35

#6366059 - Thursday 30 July 2015 7:53

I think you will find that gazillions of people on this site have struggled with that concept. Or they will do, depending on what direction time flows in this universe. :)

By Shakazulu1216 | 13

#6364457 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:31

Good job, sir.

By cksmith51 | 14

#6364460 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:32

Congrats on getting laid!

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6364461 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:33

She could have said worse.. seriously, what's the problem? What if she asked you 'how drunk was I?!'

By zyero | 9

#6364463 - Tuesday 28 July 2015 18:34

The question is was the beauty worth it, and do you at least remember the sex or was it one of those drunken accidents?