Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu... - FML

By oops - 18/5/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

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Family values

Great boyfriend

Headache

By stickyandwet - 30/1/2017 23:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

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By naughtyshirt - 22/8/2009 09:29 - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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By sadness1992 - 6/11/2012 18:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

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By yikes :/ - 22/5/2017 18:00

Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML

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By Wife - 8/8/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

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By PCop - 2/8/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2017 18:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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By sore - 4/1/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML

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By Not Amish FFS - 17/5/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a fight about his parents. We're both 23-year-old university students who aren't allowed in his bedroom unless the door is completely open. Nothing he says to his parents will change this. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 03:16 - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By RandomMe - 26/2/2016 08:00 - Cambodia - Sihanouk

Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML

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By tee - 6/4/2015 20:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By alikat - 26/4/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

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By me - 22/1/2013 18:49 - United States - Peabody

Today, I went and bought lunch for all the people I work with. The only meal the place forgot was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 01:55 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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By nevaagain - 19/8/2016 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By James - 23/4/2017 02:00

Today, while standing in line to get my driver's license renewed, I hiccuped and burped at the same time. I was so flustered that I ended up telling an entire room full of people that I had the 'herps'. FML

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By moutz - 20/7/2009 07:13 - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

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By jeremiah - 6/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By CreepedOut - 9/3/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2015 01:22 - United States

Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML

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By drugsforthugs - 18/11/2014 17:26 - United States - Sierra Madre

Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML

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By moneycatious - 19/3/2012 23:50 - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - 2/10/2009 16:47 - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By mysea8679 - 12/6/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, whilst trying on wedding dresses with my mom, she told me that I looked fat and awful in the dress I liked. When I told her how hurtful she was being, she told me that I should be grateful that she told me what she thought instead of laughing at me behind my back. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

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By oh great - 9/8/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my brother let me fly his two day old, expensive drone. Within a minute I had crashed it into a potato field. Four hours of searching and we still haven't found it. FML

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By Elle - 23/2/2011 21:07 - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

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By the other woman - 26/6/2018 01:30

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

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By itsjustnotfair - 5/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my dentist asked me about my fillings, so I told him that when I was younger, I had 2 cavities. He replied, "No you didn't. I just looked at your x-rays." Turns out my old dentist ripped me off. I never needed fillings. FML

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By babybreath - 3/6/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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By NathanPlays - 23/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By unitywoods - 27/3/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML

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By bcca - 13/2/2012 14:22 - United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

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By last time I drive stoned - 8/12/2012 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 08:05 - Australia

Today, I took my daughter to the library instead of the pool. I sat her on the counter and, while I reached for my library card, she turned to the librarian and said "We didn't go to the pool today because Mum has hairy legs." FML

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By tdtf - 16/3/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

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Top comments

By splat_fml | 0

#208658 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:53

Today, when I was out to go for a romantic diner with my girlfriend, a waitress came up to us. Right before she was going to give us the menu, she farted really loud. I felt my hair blowing in the wind. FML.

By 24788 | 6

#208624 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:15

That's what I call giving your customers a little extra.

Even though it's a horrible gift!

Comments

By grazynaanka | 0

#208600 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:07

hahahaha that's funny.

Reply

robotiick | 12

#2412470 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:21

lol when I read tht she bent down I thought it was gunna say tht they could see her thong lol I was wrong

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6492997 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:18

Just turn around and say may I recommend the tacos...

By jessicasquash | 0

#208610 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:10

whooooops

By ollievah | 0

#208622 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:15

hahaha niceeee.

By Aelaena | 6

#208623 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:15

HAHAH how embarassing

By 24788 | 6

#208624 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:15

That's what I call giving your customers a little extra.

Even though it's a horrible gift!

By Dukedj | 0

#208626 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:17

Lol. Did they all start coughing and gagging?

By FPsLife | 5

#208638 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:20

Hawt

By biancagolden | 0

#208640 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:27

did you get a hefty tip?

By sevich | 0

#208647 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:40

This FML stinks

By splat_fml | 0

#208658 - Monday 18 May 2009 12:53

Today, when I was out to go for a romantic diner with my girlfriend, a waitress came up to us. Right before she was going to give us the menu, she farted really loud. I felt my hair blowing in the wind. FML.

Reply

KingKralj | 31

#6646519 - Saturday 9 July 2016 23:32

"I felt my hair blowing in the wind"
You sir, win FML