Miscellaneous: Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

And today, on Dr Phil…

By evanescence - United States

Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

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By Anonymous

BURN

Today, at work, I cashed out a sweet old lady. As I handed her the bag, she looked at me kindly and said, “Don’t worry sweetie. It will get better!” to which I responded, “What will get better?” She smiled at me and said, “Your face.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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By ohokay - United States - Bronx

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

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By Elayne Warthen

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By TubaAssassin

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had picked my lock and stolen my new laptop. When I tried to take it back, he called the police. They sided with him since he had also taken the receipt, which was "proof" that it was his. FML

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By tommy - United States

Today, after spending months learning how to play the guitar and memorizing the music to my girlfriend's all-time favorite song, I performed it for her. Her response? "Well, you kind of ruined that song for me now." FML

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By Watchyourstep - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By supervisor - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

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By Chubsley - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By milkymoo - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

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By tom0441 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By DrugDeal - Canada

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

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By marshmallowssss - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

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By Julissa - 25/2/2021 00:30

Asshat

Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

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By DuckMan

Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

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By Sean - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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By zippersaremoreimportantthansentiments - United States - Montgomery

Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML

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By margelover - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By fuck my arse - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I were fooling around, and things got heated. In the heat of things, I told him to tear my panties off. He took it literally and yanked at them with all his might. It's been two hours and I still can't walk straight. FML

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By couldntholdit - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

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By bambam - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By sydneybourgeois - United States

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

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By lollipopgreen - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By Z3R0G5 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

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Top comments

By rssffff08 | 0

#207313 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

By Green_fml | 0

#207361 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:54

I love Big Macs. If you don't want it, FedEx it up to me.

COMMENTS

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#207304 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:46

eat it!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't get shit for my b-day....

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1065633 - Monday 5 July 2010 19:51

o whose a big boy?? that's right YOU are no more happy meals for you huh?

By rssffff08 | 0

#207313 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

Reply

medotcom | 0

#979898 - Thursday 15 April 2010 2:17

lol

Reply

tigerlilypop | 7

#986392 - Thursday 29 April 2010 2:57

atleast you didn't get a gym membership(;

Reply

jrkarikas | 0

#989597 - Sunday 9 May 2010 3:31

... happy birthday to you!

Reply

Knights2012 | 0

#1049796 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 6:10

yummy

Reply

live_love_laugh3 | 0

#2077012 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:05

haha for a second there I thought she/he was talkin bout a Mac lol 

Reply

joelmota | 0

#2472818 - Saturday 7 May 2011 17:22

ikr

Reply

luckylea24 | 7

#4457821 - Sunday 20 May 2012 3:46

Can I have it then?

Reply

cda2090 | 6

#4803106 - Sunday 12 August 2012 2:42

I agree your lucky because in Africa kids get AIDS for their birthday.

Reply

ILUVMSC | 5

#4854433 - Friday 24 August 2012 5:01

That sounds good right now..

Reply

dontyawishyaknew | 12

#5475264 - Thursday 2 May 2013 16:26

Sounds like a win!

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5930724 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 17:57

Well if you really love food that's a perfect present! It's better than some peoples I bet..

By area51avenger | 0

#207326 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Whats wrong with that?

Reply

cdatribe23 | 0

#1873559 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:22

yea a big mac is a blessing!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3405443 - Saturday 8 October 2011 17:47

I dont see a problem.

By Cad777 | 0

#207331 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

this isnt an fml. gosh some of the fml's the put on this site are stupid and pointless

By Shanny_fml | 0

#207334 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Happy birthday! Its my birthday too :D it sucz tho coz i hav finals nd cant do anything for my 16th x u have a big mac =)

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1415493 - Thursday 16 September 2010 23:03

Wow,16 you say?

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#207340 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

rotffffff!
happy birthday =]

By Vasir | 2

#207342 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Your life is fucked because you eat mcdonalds. thats gross, havent had it for almost 8 years..

Reply

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#976690 - Friday 9 April 2010 5:04

bullshit tavir

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1559699 - Sunday 17 October 2010 6:43

How old are you anyway? 7 and a half?

Reply

nosyt | 0

#2276063 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:42

Basie are fuckin serious mcsonalds is the shit. it is the perfect food. even your queer friends on naruto and that other shit eat it!

Reply

nosyt | 0

#2276068 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:43

when I said Basie fuckin auto correct fucked it up I meant vasir.

Reply

TheAwkHawk | 14

#5517491 - Sunday 2 June 2013 13:52

#7 Don't hate biatch

By PureGold | 0

#207344 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Aww :(. Well, savor it then...

By save_me_08 | 0

#207346 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

man, parents couldn't even cough up the cash for a whopper?...and hey at least it wasn't like a quarter pounder...aren't those on the dollar menu?...at least they paid full price

By FacePALM24 | 0

#207351 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:53

Lame.