Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Mr Sensitivity

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 26/3/2016 15:36 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

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By dumbassbuffet - 11/11/2011 15:53 - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

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By Mels - 6/1/2014 20:57 - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By drooooooool - 9/11/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By Becca - 31/1/2010 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months asked me to spend the night at his apartment for the first time. I had to poop really bad when I got there, so I used his only bathroom. He went after me, and came out a few seconds later, gagging. Apparently, I clogged his toilet. FML

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By kids - 12/5/2014 05:17

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

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By asdfasdf - 24/1/2009 15:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By bubbalicious - 13/8/2009 20:57 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

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By I_Has_A_Fishy - 10/7/2012 19:33 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

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By AuntPeePee - 20/5/2013 11:57 - United States

Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML

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By spider-sarah - 8/10/2016 09:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By Michael D. - 25/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 02:31 - United States - Tampa

Peek a boo

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 21:40 - United States - Lusby

Today, my boss made me play golf with some executives of a company we're hoping to secure a business deal with, despite me having no golf training. My first swing ended up with me being rushed to the hospital. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By MDoremis - 24/2/2015 04:58 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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By angie24w - 7/8/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By screwed - 11/3/2020 23:00

Bad choice of material, dude

Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FM

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend sleep over at my house for the first time. Upon arriving, he tossed his stuff on the floor and said "I gotta take a piss, where's your shower?" FML

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By MacBook - 14/5/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML

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By PharmSlave - 1/5/2015 06:12 - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By Rojo - 14/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML

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By ch,nlv - 14/5/2018 01:30

Today, my husband and I did artificial insemination. At the hospital, they mixed up the sperm and didn't realize until it was too late. I'm now pregnant with a stranger's baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

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By Dothy - 17/11/2008 09:54 - France

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

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By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By Lindso1 - 6/7/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 17:35 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By hopeless - 14/2/2015 20:04 - Canada - Halifax

Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2019 16:00

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

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By spitballer1 - 6/7/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

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By dogproblems - 27/1/2015 15:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By mrs14 - 11/9/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 21:52 - United States - Lake Dallas

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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Top comments

By rssffff08 | 0

#207313 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

By Green_fml | 0

#207361 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:54

I love Big Macs. If you don't want it, FedEx it up to me.

COMMENTS

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#207304 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:46

eat it!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't get shit for my b-day....

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1065633 - Monday 5 July 2010 19:51

o whose a big boy?? that's right YOU are no more happy meals for you huh?

By rssffff08 | 0

#207313 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

Reply

medotcom | 0

#979898 - Thursday 15 April 2010 2:17

lol

Reply

tigerlilypop | 7

#986392 - Thursday 29 April 2010 2:57

atleast you didn't get a gym membership(;

Reply

jrkarikas | 0

#989597 - Sunday 9 May 2010 3:31

... happy birthday to you!

Reply

Knights2012 | 0

#1049796 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 6:10

yummy

Reply

live_love_laugh3 | 0

#2077012 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:05

haha for a second there I thought she/he was talkin bout a Mac lol 

Reply

joelmota | 0

#2472818 - Saturday 7 May 2011 17:22

ikr

Reply

luckylea24 | 7

#4457821 - Sunday 20 May 2012 3:46

Can I have it then?

Reply

cda2090 | 6

#4803106 - Sunday 12 August 2012 2:42

I agree your lucky because in Africa kids get AIDS for their birthday.

Reply

ILUVMSC | 5

#4854433 - Friday 24 August 2012 5:01

That sounds good right now..

Reply

dontyawishyaknew | 12

#5475264 - Thursday 2 May 2013 16:26

Sounds like a win!

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5930724 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 17:57

Well if you really love food that's a perfect present! It's better than some peoples I bet..

By area51avenger | 0

#207326 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Whats wrong with that?

Reply

cdatribe23 | 0

#1873559 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:22

yea a big mac is a blessing!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3405443 - Saturday 8 October 2011 17:47

I dont see a problem.

By Cad777 | 0

#207331 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

this isnt an fml. gosh some of the fml's the put on this site are stupid and pointless

By Shanny_fml | 0

#207334 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Happy birthday! Its my birthday too :D it sucz tho coz i hav finals nd cant do anything for my 16th x u have a big mac =)

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1415493 - Thursday 16 September 2010 23:03

Wow,16 you say?

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#207340 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

rotffffff!
happy birthday =]

By Vasir | 2

#207342 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Your life is fucked because you eat mcdonalds. thats gross, havent had it for almost 8 years..

Reply

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#976690 - Friday 9 April 2010 5:04

bullshit tavir

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1559699 - Sunday 17 October 2010 6:43

How old are you anyway? 7 and a half?

Reply

nosyt | 0

#2276063 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:42

Basie are fuckin serious mcsonalds is the shit. it is the perfect food. even your queer friends on naruto and that other shit eat it!

Reply

nosyt | 0

#2276068 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:43

when I said Basie fuckin auto correct fucked it up I meant vasir.

Reply

TheAwkHawk | 14

#5517491 - Sunday 2 June 2013 13:52

#7 Don't hate biatch

By PureGold | 0

#207344 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Aww :(. Well, savor it then...

By save_me_08 | 0

#207346 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

man, parents couldn't even cough up the cash for a whopper?...and hey at least it wasn't like a quarter pounder...aren't those on the dollar menu?...at least they paid full price

By FacePALM24 | 0

#207351 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:53

Lame.