Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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Rock, hard place

Nice neighborhood

Don't give up

By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By bitch - 16/5/2017 05:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

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By CrazyInLove - 10/3/2015 06:02 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

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By sickatwokr - 30/6/2015 20:26 - Australia

Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

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By Cress - 11/2/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By silenceisgolden - 23/3/2020 01:39

Train guy

Today, a guy on the train was using his phone really loudly, asking Siri to call a bunch of people, or using voice command to do the most menial things. He was really, really noisy. It's only after I couldn't stand it any more and asked him to be quieter that I noticed the white cane next to him. FML

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By lalibear - 3/5/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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By yolonono - 4/12/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was on a field trip with my son, my husband decided to get rid of our dog without asking anyone. Now I get to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, and he thinks he did nothing wrong. FML

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By brenami - 31/12/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

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By AbsolutelyEffed - 19/2/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

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By Stressed out mom - 7/3/2018 01:30

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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By Nutty - 24/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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By deadhammy - 11/1/2013 07:09 - United States - San Diego

Today, my hamster died. It climbed out of its cage and jumped off my dresser. Looking for condolences, I told my mom who replied, "If I lived in your room, I would have done it earlier." FML

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By jhughes1997 - 17/6/2013 01:39 - United States - Decatur

Today, I went fishing with my dad. I figured, since we were out on the dock, I may as well get rid of my farmer's tan. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up to a fishing net draped over me. I now have a fishnet pattern down the front of my body. FML

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By richardmrcs - 8/7/2013 20:00 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2012 05:33 - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

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By britt71411 - 13/1/2012 17:17 - United States

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By socks - 21/9/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

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By Sarah - 12/6/2012 16:59 - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By hoggypig - 23/4/2012 13:00

Today, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing and waved at the driver of the car who'd stopped, just to say thank you. She stuck her middle finger up at me. FML

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By ChelseaRae - 6/7/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

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By unluckydude - 29/6/2013 22:19 - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By blawbo - 18/2/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said "Well, at least you're trying." FML

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By Oops - 18/11/2018 21:00 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

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By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By Paperboy - 28/3/2013 09:57 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Ilijas

Today, the highlight of my day was when I found that there was finally toilet paper in the cubicle at work. FML

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By "daddyrobyn" - 18/12/2018 13:30

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

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By Prepper? - 6/12/2017 01:30

Going out of business? It's a matter of life and death!

Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my grandmother. Turns out my father found out about my elopement with my husband through my stepmother, because someone she works with told her. We were planning on it being a surprise, and telling people on Christmas. My father won't even talk to me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend. He gazed at me, stroked my cheek, and said "Christ, you really need something for this acne." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

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Top comments

By rssffff08 | 0

#207313 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

By Green_fml | 0

#207361 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:54

I love Big Macs. If you don't want it, FedEx it up to me.

Comments

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#207304 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:46

eat it!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't get shit for my b-day....

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1065633 - Monday 5 July 2010 19:51

o whose a big boy?? that's right YOU are no more happy meals for you huh?

By rssffff08 | 0

#207313 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

Reply

medotcom | 0

#979898 - Thursday 15 April 2010 2:17

lol

Reply

tigerlilypop | 7

#986392 - Thursday 29 April 2010 2:57

atleast you didn't get a gym membership(;

Reply

jrkarikas | 0

#989597 - Sunday 9 May 2010 3:31

... happy birthday to you!

Reply

Knights2012 | 0

#1049796 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 6:10

yummy

Reply

live_love_laugh3 | 0

#2077012 - Sunday 13 February 2011 10:05

haha for a second there I thought she/he was talkin bout a Mac lol 

Reply

joelmota | 0

#2472818 - Saturday 7 May 2011 17:22

ikr

Reply

luckylea24 | 7

#4457821 - Sunday 20 May 2012 3:46

Can I have it then?

Reply

cda2090 | 6

#4803106 - Sunday 12 August 2012 2:42

I agree your lucky because in Africa kids get AIDS for their birthday.

Reply

ILUVMSC | 5

#4854433 - Friday 24 August 2012 5:01

That sounds good right now..

Reply

dontyawishyaknew | 12

#5475264 - Thursday 2 May 2013 16:26

Sounds like a win!

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5930724 - Wednesday 30 April 2014 17:57

Well if you really love food that's a perfect present! It's better than some peoples I bet..

By area51avenger | 0

#207326 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Whats wrong with that?

Reply

cdatribe23 | 0

#1873559 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:22

yea a big mac is a blessing!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3405443 - Saturday 8 October 2011 17:47

I dont see a problem.

By Cad777 | 0

#207331 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

this isnt an fml. gosh some of the fml's the put on this site are stupid and pointless

By Shanny_fml | 0

#207334 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Happy birthday! Its my birthday too :D it sucz tho coz i hav finals nd cant do anything for my 16th x u have a big mac =)

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1415493 - Thursday 16 September 2010 23:03

Wow,16 you say?

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#207340 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

rotffffff!
happy birthday =]

By Vasir | 2

#207342 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Your life is fucked because you eat mcdonalds. thats gross, havent had it for almost 8 years..

Reply

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#976690 - Friday 9 April 2010 5:04

bullshit tavir

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1559699 - Sunday 17 October 2010 6:43

How old are you anyway? 7 and a half?

Reply

nosyt | 0

#2276063 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:42

Basie are fuckin serious mcsonalds is the shit. it is the perfect food. even your queer friends on naruto and that other shit eat it!

Reply

nosyt | 0

#2276068 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:43

when I said Basie fuckin auto correct fucked it up I meant vasir.

Reply

TheAwkHawk | 14

#5517491 - Sunday 2 June 2013 13:52

#7 Don't hate biatch

By PureGold | 0

#207344 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Aww :(. Well, savor it then...

By save_me_08 | 0

#207346 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

man, parents couldn't even cough up the cash for a whopper?...and hey at least it wasn't like a quarter pounder...aren't those on the dollar menu?...at least they paid full price

By FacePALM24 | 0

#207351 - Monday 18 May 2009 1:53

Lame.