Miscellaneous: Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 805

You deserved it 9 615

Mother of the year

Best teeth in the game

Dysfunctional

By lobotomized - 13/07/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 588

You deserved it 7 719

Bad boy!

By Carrie - 23/02/2021 21:30

Today, I was enjoying my dinner by my patio window when I spotted a cat roaming through my backyard. As I observed it explore my yard, I also watched as it climbed onto, then took a piss on the freshly clean clothes I had left to dry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 119

By ...thanks honey - 18/08/2010 06:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 412

You deserved it 14 980

By fmlman - 15/03/2013 05:44 - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 312

You deserved it 6 351

By kayin - 10/12/2010 01:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 377

You deserved it 6 561

By squishylog - 12/08/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 818

You deserved it 7 076

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 18:23 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to a small fire on my roof, burning up small twigs and branches. The cause? Last night, I threw a sparkling firecracker up very high, only to have it blown onto my roof by the wind. It's going to take $2,000 to fix the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 962

You deserved it 52 314

By Anonymous - 27/09/2015 07:10 - United States - Queens Village

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 061

You deserved it 4 024

Not mine!

By Anonymous - 21/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 553

You deserved it 216

By dearbailee - 18/09/2012 14:04 - United States

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 850

You deserved it 4 079

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 23:00 - United States - Kennett Square

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 343

You deserved it 1 255

By Kerlane - 05/12/2008 03:45 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 414

You deserved it 5 265

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 23:46 - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 553

You deserved it 1 219

Easy fix

By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my Facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via Facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 330

You deserved it 3 071

By SK8WITME - 12/02/2016 18:22 - India

Today, a short guy asked me how the world looked "up there", as I'm really tall. I decided to lift him up so he could see for himself. I failed both times I tried, to the great amusement of everyone watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 079

You deserved it 6 736

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 05:00

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 260

You deserved it 4 408

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 626

You deserved it 2 649

By Grevling - 20/07/2009 19:07 - Norway

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 274

You deserved it 6 180

By new dog - 14/09/2014 03:38 - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 352

You deserved it 3 949

By SenescentSouthernBoy - 17/08/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 462

You deserved it 60 668

By superman21 - 28/09/2014 22:55 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 230

You deserved it 6 536

By dangerZone - 27/02/2013 16:43 - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 021

You deserved it 5 713

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 11:38 - Australia

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 590

You deserved it 3 047

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 423

You deserved it 3 383

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 180

You deserved it 2 788

By PrayingForMoney - 25/03/2013 08:48 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 610

You deserved it 6 432

By laxie - 27/10/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 124

You deserved it 3 887

By bestbfever - 17/05/2017 02:00

Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 748

You deserved it 390

By poisonhand - 14/01/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 698

You deserved it 2 795

By blood buddies - 03/07/2014 17:53 - United States - Milford

Today, I was showing the guy I like something on my phone. My period tracking app decided it was the perfect time to tell me that I need to stock up on tampons, because I'm getting my period tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 398

You deserved it 8 626

By oh no - 06/06/2016 15:45 - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 069

You deserved it 3 041

By Eres - 11/02/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom took away my medication. She's afraid I'll get "hooked". The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 105

You deserved it 4 494

By Anonymous - 13/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 717

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 175

You deserved it 13 679

By Anonymous - 24/06/2013 16:41 - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 661

You deserved it 15 242

By ronboy - 26/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 652

You deserved it 2 794

By Anon - 27/07/2009 07:32 - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 703

You deserved it 4 847

By Anonymous - 18/03/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 880

You deserved it 4 054

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 227

You deserved it 12 807

By fucklife - 16/04/2013 18:13 - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 454

You deserved it 5 180

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:54

I love Big Macs. If you don't want it, FedEx it up to me.

Comments

omglyktotally78 0

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:46

eat it!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't get shit for my b-day....

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Monday 5 July 2010 19:51

o whose a big boy?? that's right YOU are no more happy meals for you huh?

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:47

lucky

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Thursday 15 April 2010 2:17

lol

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Thursday 29 April 2010 2:57

atleast you didn't get a gym membership(;

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Sunday 9 May 2010 3:31

... happy birthday to you!

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Wednesday 30 June 2010 6:10

yummy

live_love_laugh3 0

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Sunday 13 February 2011 10:05

haha for a second there I thought she/he was talkin bout a Mac lol 

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Saturday 7 May 2011 17:22

ikr

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Sunday 20 May 2012 3:46

Can I have it then?

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Sunday 12 August 2012 2:42

I agree your lucky because in Africa kids get AIDS for their birthday.

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Friday 24 August 2012 5:01

That sounds good right now..

dontyawishyaknew 12

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Thursday 2 May 2013 16:26

Sounds like a win!

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Wednesday 30 April 2014 17:57

Well if you really love food that's a perfect present! It's better than some peoples I bet..

area51avenger 0

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Whats wrong with that?

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:22

yea a big mac is a blessing!

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Saturday 8 October 2011 17:47

I dont see a problem.

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

this isnt an fml. gosh some of the fml's the put on this site are stupid and pointless

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:49

Happy birthday! Its my birthday too :D it sucz tho coz i hav finals nd cant do anything for my 16th x u have a big mac =)

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Thursday 16 September 2010 23:03

Wow,16 you say?

foreverisabelx3 0

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

rotffffff! happy birthday =]

Vasir 2

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Your life is fucked because you eat mcdonalds. thats gross, havent had it for almost 8 years..

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Friday 9 April 2010 5:04

bullshit tavir

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Sunday 17 October 2010 6:43

How old are you anyway? 7 and a half?

nosyt 0

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Friday 1 April 2011 8:42

Basie are fuckin serious mcsonalds is the shit. it is the perfect food. even your queer friends on naruto and that other shit eat it!

nosyt 0

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Friday 1 April 2011 8:43

when I said Basie fuckin auto correct fucked it up I meant vasir.

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Sunday 2 June 2013 13:52

#7 Don't hate biatch

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

Aww :(. Well, savor it then...

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:51

man, parents couldn't even cough up the cash for a whopper?...and hey at least it wasn't like a quarter pounder...aren't those on the dollar menu?...at least they paid full price

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Monday 18 May 2009 1:53

Lame.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 94

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 287