Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

by Username / 05/01/2011 at 4:20am / United States / Intimacy

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

by / 05/01/2011 at 3:03am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

by rb / 05/01/2011 at 2:02am / United States / Animals

Today, I wanted to take my girlfriend to a nice dinner before prom. Her parents followed her in, and joined us to "keep an eye on me." They interrupted all our conversations, ate an expensive meal, then got up and walked out when the waitress brought the $95 check, leaving me to pay for it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2011 at 1:50am / United States (Kentucky) / Money

cookies61889's comment : it's ok you get them back while you fuck their daughter

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Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed and asked me to pick him up from the bar. Being a loving girlfriend I drive the 45 minutes; when I get there his friend informs me he left about 45 minutes ago. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2011 at 1:36am / Reserved / Love

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

by Username / 04/30/2011 at 11:16pm / United States / Love

FMLandurstoo's comment : selfish bitch

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Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

by Tara / 04/30/2011 at 8:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad went through my room while I was out and threw away the "inappropriate pictures" that he found. They're the nudes I've been working on for art class. FML

by OhGreat / 04/30/2011 at 4:30pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

by Jordan / 04/30/2011 at 3:52pm / United States / Health

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2011 at 3:03pm / United States (Kentucky) / Health

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

by Laci / 04/30/2011 at 1:50pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, at the age of 17, I had my first kiss with the girl I've liked for over a year. However, it was a stage kiss and the girl has made it clear that she finds me repulsive. FML

by Username / 04/30/2011 at 4:51am / United Kingdom (London) / Love

Vennie98's comment : what a bitch

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Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

by greenintheface / 04/30/2011 at 2:27am / United States (Michigan) / Health