Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

by uncool / 04/16/2011 at 2:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

by Username / 04/16/2011 at 1:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

by :| / 04/15/2011 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

by ForeverAlone / 04/15/2011 at 8:52pm / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

by asdfjkl / 04/15/2011 at 3:51pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

by madi / 04/15/2011 at 3:13pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

by levi Glasscock / 04/15/2011 at 9:52am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

by Tjop / 04/15/2011 at 7:50am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

by spiderwoman / 04/15/2011 at 7:47am / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Animals

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

by ZaraAce / 04/15/2011 at 7:38am / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Love

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

by fatty:( / 04/15/2011 at 5:30am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2011 at 2:57am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

by ugly / 04/15/2011 at 2:43am / Australia (Victoria) / Health