Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking... - FML

By poop - 18/5/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking behind me by holding the door open for her. As she was walking through, I inadvertently pulled the door too hard. It slammed against the wall and ricochet back, hitting her right in the face. FML

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Rock, hard place

Deep-seated resentment

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2011 22:52 - United States

Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By Ashleigh - 2/3/2012 22:53 - Australia

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

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By fuck YOLO - 3/4/2013 05:20 - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

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By maximumpower - 15/3/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant in town, when this small boy starts looking at me. I simply smiled and went back to eating, only to hear out of the corner of my ear, "Daddy, why does that kids face look like that"? He said it so loud 3 tables next to us turned and looked. FML

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By shnigel - 27/2/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

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By Boulette - 23/6/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By crossl17 - 12/11/2018 15:30

Today, I bought a new $10,000 car since my old one broke down. Today, I also found out the old one wasn’t starting because i never had it in park. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 21:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By dead - 18/3/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

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By emilyparra1 - 23/10/2012 07:54 - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I'm walking into the office, the manager says, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

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By kaylashay2k13 - 17/5/2016 14:18 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

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By sexxibxmami - 19/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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By SadlySally - 1/6/2016 17:54 - United States - Memphis

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 05:04 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

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By werewolfoflondon - 3/11/2010 02:16 - Canada

Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML

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By muffin - 16/7/2013 12:01 - Austria

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 08:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2015 16:58 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

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By 2ndchoice - 12/12/2009 15:47 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend wanted to tell me how much he loves me. He said a lot of wonderful things, such as not being able to live without me and hoping that I would want to live with him and marry him someday. He ended his loving speech with his ex-girlfriend's name instead of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By horselover7766 - 25/4/2012 23:08 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 13:00

Yelp

Today, I was fired from my job as a waitress, all because someone complained there was too much seasoning in their food. As I said, I'm a waitress. This happened the same week I was hired. FML

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By sorrygrandma - 1/2/2012 03:34 - United States

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

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By foreveralone - 9/6/2015 15:15 - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By marryinghimanyway - 29/8/2013 02:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

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By Coco - 19/4/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By Boo - 16/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2016 22:19

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By married an old man - 5/3/2013 17:57 - United States - Rancho Mirage

Today, I decided to come onto my husband to switch things up. When I started kissing and trying to undress him, he pushed me off, saying "What're you doing? Jeopardy's about to start." FML

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By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By nightmare ass - 15/5/2019 06:11

Today, I let out the most vile, nose-melting dairy curdling fart of my life. The sound didn’t wake me up. But the nightmare I had from how rank smelling it was sure did. My own fart ruined my sleep. FML

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By sensativenose - 19/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like to a skating rink. On the ride home she put her arm around me. Her armpits stank and I smelt them the whole hour and a half drive. FML

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By gtrs750 - 9/8/2009 13:48 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By A troubled ex med school student - 6/2/2013 03:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By stupidgirl - 30/9/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I changed all my plans, after months of him begging me to, so I could go to the same university as my long-term boyfriend. After I sent in my deposit, he told me we couldn't live together in college because I was "invading his space." FML

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By Courtney - 4/2/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

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Top comments

By ohhboyy | 0

#209635 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:20

BOOOOM HEADSHOT

By unlucky91 | 0

#209620 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:18

Well, either thats the end of meeting her or maybe you'll have a story to tell your kids :]

but yeah FBYL ( fuck both your lives). i hope she doesn't get a bruise

COMMENTS

By unlucky91 | 0

#209620 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:18

Well, either thats the end of meeting her or maybe you'll have a story to tell your kids :]

but yeah FBYL ( fuck both your lives). i hope she doesn't get a bruise

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616761 - Monday 12 October 2009 8:14

So what, you can still claim you nailed her

Reply

PhilipTheDeacan | 0

#2400975 - Monday 25 April 2011 5:13

^win

By irishfever | 0

#209622 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:19

Smooth

By 24788 | 6

#209624 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:19

HAHA, cock blocked by a door.

Reply

Thabb | 0

#988616 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 13:52

YDI for thinking she actually cared whether or not you held a damn door. I doub she'd notice you anyway people hold doors all the time

By genius_man16 | 0

#209626 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:19

Well, you aint gettin any from her. And #2 it's not having "low standards" it's called being a gentleman. Learn about it sometime.

Reply

Enoch134 | 0

#823770 - Thursday 4 February 2010 5:02

#2 is saying that being a gentelman should be second nature as in if he thinks opening the door is a big feat

By farmgirl | 3

#209634 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:20

#5 - I think #2 meant that holding the door open should be a common gentlemanly thing to do and not be something used to impress pretty girls

By ohhboyy | 0

#209635 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:20

BOOOOM HEADSHOT

By lame16 | 0

#209639 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:20

LOL, you're too strong ! xD
lol @ 7

By zoe_rawr | 0

#209640 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:20

smooth.

By likeduhhx4 | 0

#209649 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:22

#2 how is this low standards ? it's called being nice for someone, think before you talk.

By plexico | 3

#209654 - Monday 18 May 2009 23:22

You'd better not pull so hard when you play with yourself, since you are obviously not going to get any from that chick.