Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2011 at 7:21am / Intimacy

Tadeusz's comment : Get a hobby. Get help. Go do it now. Also, how did you sunburn your area or the palm of your hands?

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Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

by Me / 05/31/2011 at 2:49am / United States (Arizona) / Work

wildbillpb's comment : thought mcdonalds doesn't have supersize any more due to the movie supersize me.

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Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

by loner / 05/31/2011 at 1:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

by romantic84 / 05/31/2011 at 12:51am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML

by efff my life. / 05/30/2011 at 10:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

marinus's comment : Stop the car and drop her off, make the bitch walk.

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Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

by sashimieater / 05/30/2011 at 9:59pm / United States (Mississippi) / Work

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

by thiswouldonlyhappentome / 05/30/2011 at 8:33pm / Aruba / Animals

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to let me give her a foot massage after she had a long day at work. Halfway through, she fell asleep. Wanting to see how ticklish she actually was, I started to tickle her feet. She then kicked me straight in the nuts whilst sleeping. FML

by anon80214 / 05/30/2011 at 3:15pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

by OopsKid / 05/30/2011 at 2:14pm / France / Miscellaneous

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2011 at 2:11pm / United States (Iowa) / Money

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

by trev / 05/30/2011 at 12:12pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Health

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

by Jess / 05/30/2011 at 11:46am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

by skigal24 / 05/30/2011 at 10:59am / United States (Illinois) / Health