All the FMLs

By Dracoboxer357 - 05/01/2013 16:00 - Canada

Today, my wife is pregnant and sick. She switches from sobbing she's sorry for that, to blaming me for "doing this to me." On top of that, I have half her symptoms now: throwing up and crying for no reason. This will be a long 9 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 756

You deserved it 5 089

Dracoboxer357 tells us more.

Dracoboxer357 35

Saturday 5 January 2013 20:49

48- It's called Couvade's syndrome, I looked it up when I started randomly throwing up in public before she did with our first child. It's also how we knew for sure we were pregnant with our second: I spontaneously puked out my truck window onto another car while driving through town. ;P I've gotten the whole roller coaster ride of emotions through two pregnancies already, I'm pretty sure it's just more of the same now. :)

GTA

By Anonymous - 05/01/2013 05:54 - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to help rip my radio out of my dashboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 646

You deserved it 5 318

By VampObsessed - 05/01/2013 05:30 - United States - Dallas

Today, when I got home I noticed a statue of a gnome sitting next to the door. I've had an intense phobia of gnomes since I was a child, and I can't bring myself to walk past it. It's been half an hour and I'm still standing outside. I can see my dad through the window laughing and waving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 195

You deserved it 8 743

VampObsessed tells us more.

VampObsessed 16

Wednesday 13 March 2013 9:14

OP here. My key only works on the front lock so I couldn't use any other doors and our windows don't operate to allow anyone in. I had to call my boyfriend to come over and move it for me so I could get in. Recently the spare bedroom I workout in has been overtaken by gnomes and I've opened my bedroom door to a gnome in the hallway. He even put it in the shower. This is not a good way to help me get past my phobia.

By moronforadad - 05/01/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 818

You deserved it 6 461

By Anonymous - 05/01/2013 00:56 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 496

You deserved it 5 201

Run, run away

By but i make different stiffies - 05/01/2013 00:33 - United States - Parker

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 822

You deserved it 2 760

By marisa - 05/01/2013 00:31 - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 269

You deserved it 4 328

By Anonymous - 04/01/2013 22:52 - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 461

You deserved it 4 318

By bureaucratic assfuckery - 04/01/2013 20:51 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 825

You deserved it 1 892

By Raela - 04/01/2013 16:59 - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 849

You deserved it 7 621

By damn - 04/01/2013 14:08 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had a fight with my boyfriend over a girl he is close to. He later arrived with flowers for what I thought was an apology. He was actually breaking up with me; the flowers were for her, he just didn't want to leave them in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 252

You deserved it 7 358

By idiot - 04/01/2013 10:13 - Sweden

Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 206

You deserved it 12 973

By Anonymous - 04/01/2013 06:18 - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 687

You deserved it 7 956

By Tiffosaur - 04/01/2013 06:12 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 033

You deserved it 2 663

By WellShit - 04/01/2013 02:19 - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 840

You deserved it 5 944

By fucked five ways to friday - 03/01/2013 23:36 - United States - Stayton

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 798

You deserved it 2 458

By millavitsa - 03/01/2013 22:36 - Ukraine

Today, my mom asked me why MS Word keeps underlining some words. After I tried to convince her that you're supposed to put a space after commas, she started yelling at me for making her look stupid. I can never win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 877

You deserved it 2 190

By PrezKisame - 03/01/2013 20:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to take a shower. Afterwards, I noticed I'd forgotten to bring a shirt to change into, so I put on a towel and went back to my room, only to witness my 14-year-old brother and a friend smelling my bra, commenting on "how warm it is". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 339

You deserved it 2 626

PrezKisame tells us more.

PrezKisame 3

Friday 4 January 2013 4:05

My door doesn't lock. Problem

By Brad - 03/01/2013 06:47 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 990

You deserved it 25 714

By Emily - 03/01/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 137

You deserved it 4 924

Here I go again

By Anonymous - 03/01/2013 05:02 - United States - Austin

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on the 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 063

You deserved it 10 132

By Les Miserables is so sad - 02/01/2013 23:38 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I took my girlfriend to go see Les Misérables. I tried to stay tough but completely lost it and started sobbing when Anne Hathaway began singing. My girlfriend called me a wimp and stayed dry-eyed throughout the whole movie. I'm dating a robot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 454

You deserved it 15 231

By Anon. - 02/01/2013 21:53

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 391

You deserved it 2 481

By great. - 02/01/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 009

You deserved it 3 569

Help yourself

By Megz - 02/01/2013 17:38 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 309

You deserved it 2 759

By habassistant - 02/01/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 070

You deserved it 5 256

By AmberHavoc - 02/01/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 003

You deserved it 46 843

Stones in glass houses

By alynna007 - 02/01/2013 10:31 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 398

You deserved it 2 334

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 07:28 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 550

You deserved it 10 225

By catdog - 02/01/2013 06:07 - United States - West Sacramento

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 580

You deserved it 4 534

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I had a long talk with my now ex-boyfriend. I explained why I'm not comfortable with him bringing up his new female coworker multiple times a day, talking with her about their kinks and fetishes, or possibly being around her outside of work. We've been together for nine years. He's only known her for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 140

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 880

You deserved it 268

Today, I got my period two days early. I have really bad cramps and my lower back hurts pretty bad. I'm getting over having bronchitis, I wanted to relax, but instead my mother had the bright idea to walk around the mall for two hours. We sat in traffic for another hour before we made it home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 167

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 718

You deserved it 18 572

Today, my girlfriend showered ten times, used an entire tube of deodorant, and continued to stink. It’s been like this for the past week, despite it being cold outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 133

Today, I was at a family gathering when my aunt drunkenly confessed that she had once dated my dad in high school. Everyone laughed, thinking it was a joke. I didn’t laugh. I just stared at her for 10 minutes, processing how our family tree had now become a circle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 295