Miscellaneous: Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of...

By Elisa_LmR - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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Miscellaneous

Masked Singer

Don't do favors for strangers

Insurance is a scam

By Midge - United States

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

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9156

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By JustSom - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

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29357

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3074

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By My eyes were on the prize

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

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5032

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1035

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By sick - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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28516

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By Grandmas lost it - United States - Staten Island

Today, I turned around after loading the washing machine to discover my husband's 89-year-old grandmother dropping her pants. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't mind but when you got to go, you got to go." She then sat down on the toilet and let out a loud, long fart. FML

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39657

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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444

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By thedeadone

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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2291

You deserved it

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By phatkroger10 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

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13062

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By missmcfarty - Australia - Townsville

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

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By hermit's life - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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By srloin - United States

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

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30196

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By wat_dafuq_bro

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

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51373

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 23:01

Right in the pecker

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

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885

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By captainocd - United States

Today, my incredibly self conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me and asked what I thought. I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match." FML

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11618

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By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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24685

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By Foxy Lady

Today, I had to help train a new employee at the register. It got busy so I had to take my eyes off her for a few minutes. At that time she managed to let someone walk out with $150 worth of fabric. I couldn't catch the customer. FML

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2917

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325

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML

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44818

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By PsychoBoulevard - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

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4154

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

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21496

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By KatrinaKitten - United States

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

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33987

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By dramaqueen15

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

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27111

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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3471

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By despacito

Today, my brother stole my hard drive and wiped it. My hard drive had a 10-page school project on it. The project is due tomorrow. FML

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3267

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By shinra

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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2670

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By hatecolin - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By VDM - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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17735

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By cdestarac - United States

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

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9132

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By great - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

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21449

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By srs

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

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2968

You deserved it

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By branwen5 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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44615

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By as-salamu alaykum, motherfucker - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, I was having my birthday party. My dad showed up late, blind drunk, and drove his car straight through my garage door. FML

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45063

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was "so do you want to keep the mullet?". What mullet?! FML

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23460

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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31366

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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48763

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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By took it - United States - Syracuse

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

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43678

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By Anonymous

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 17:01

Must be one hell of a novel

Today, after 3 years of writing a murder mystery novel that I was really proud of, my dad stole my notebook. He mistook it as my diary and turned it in to the police and apparently I can't have it back because it may be used as evidence. Some of the stories were inspired by real events. FML

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Top comments

By rockne93 | 17

#5815971 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Orange you glad you aren't afraid of bananas, guys?

By WFFLPWND | 10

#5815972 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

You must peel very bad... (I'm so sorry I have to)

COMMENTS

By rockne93 | 17

#5815971 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Orange you glad you aren't afraid of bananas, guys?

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5815989 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:29

Strange phobia. I'm guessing that it is from a childhood experience.

DoctorRoche | 11

#5815998 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:31

Orange you glad we didn't thumbs down that bad pun?

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5816007 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:33

#13 I can imagine that in my head right now.
OP: Steve! Stop feeding me your banana!

rockne93 | 17

#5816022 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:39

#18 Calm down there buddy. If you want to talk shit, go to the toilet store.

DoctorRoche | 11

#5816028 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:48

Rocknee you mad bro?

Awesome58422599 | 19

#5816061 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:08

It would suck if your boyfriend had a curved dick.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5816083 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:33

Where's you get these puns the toilet store?

Fermion | 20

#5816105 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:58

Well he isn't alone! Pythagoras had a fear of beans AND lived in Greece. Could you imagine how rough that would be for him? Everyone has a phobia strange or not.

stewpididiot | 11

#5816212 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:52

At first I thought it said 'wanking bananas' !!!

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5816550 - Saturday 4 January 2014 18:30

Pythagoras had a fear of beans? I thought he was just afraid of theorems.
*Ba dum tis*

Goldenchest | 14

#5816946 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:27

Am I the only one who got 49's reference?

mrhe3t | 9

#5817569 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:30

Nope, and it's actually kind of funny but hey, he was being a dick.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5820095 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 22:24

God forbid your bf uses a banana flavored condom on his curved member...

By WFFLPWND | 10

#5815972 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

You must peel very bad... (I'm so sorry I have to)

\ | 28

#5816016 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:36

Banana Terracotta Pie, anyone?

Enslaved | 36

#5816074 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:19

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? It's me she's going to eat."

\ | 28

#5816137 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:24

I assume not many here got the System of a Down reference...

clemsi | 20

#5816199 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:31

I did. ...and now I can't get the song out of my head

Ambient25 | 24

#5816273 - Saturday 4 January 2014 10:25

this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5816292 - Saturday 4 January 2014 10:59

Make like a banana and split.

kaitlynjane | 28

#5817238 - Sunday 5 January 2014 5:04

A System of a Down reference down voted.. And a shitty pop song reference gets up voted?

Yep. The world has officially gone to shit.

squideth | 18

#5818576 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:41

138 shut up you pretentious fuck.

By SonOfAMitch | 14

#5815973 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Going bananas, eh OP?

zandalee | 19

#5816047 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:58

Take revenge! Make a massive banana smoothie and make evil giggles while slurping it down.

stephhrunsaway | 21

#5816213 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:53

That hilarious moment when my sis almost chokes to death on her peanut butter and banana sandwich after I read her this FML.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5816538 - Saturday 4 January 2014 18:08

Wasn't this on an episode of courage the cowardly dog?

By mcr2000 | 11

#5815974 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

like that episode of zack and cody

nickn426 | 14

#5816483 - Saturday 4 January 2014 16:43

There was a show I watched as a toddler "Bananas in Pajamas" That was some freaky shit man.

kmccain | 27

#5816766 - Saturday 4 January 2014 21:45

#4 that's exactly what I thought of reading this.

Eternal94 | 10

#5817097 - Sunday 5 January 2014 2:25

Is that the tv show about two bananas that name banana A and banana B ?

applebramble | 22

#5817773 - Sunday 5 January 2014 18:16

I can't believe no one has mentioned the minions! ):

By DoctorRoche | 11

#5815975 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

This isn't a phobia at all.. Bananas are fucking terrifying.

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5816064 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:10

Brazilian gangs in a nutshell. They be ghetto blasting the Chiquita Banana jingle all over the favellas.

Zelphoric | 25

#5816179 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:11

Bananas are okay... I fear banana slicers much more o_o

Helpfulman | 17

#5816632 - Saturday 4 January 2014 19:30

Dat peel tho.

nick3600 | 22

#5819076 - Monday 6 January 2014 20:57

A banana molested me :(

By TyT63 | 12

#5815976 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

you came to the wrong bananahood mother fucker

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5815982 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:28

Your joke is bad and you should feel bad!

emirie | 21

#5816101 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:54

I thought it was brilliant.

By ViktoriaaKills | 13

#5815978 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

You must have loved Bananas in Pajamas.

HelloooooNurse | 20

#5816520 - Saturday 4 January 2014 17:38

Now that damn song is in my head :(

By duhhspammerx3 | 16

#5815979 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

I guess you could say OP was going bananas ;)

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5816003 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:32

Thank god no one has made that joke on this thread.
Oh, wait..

duhhspammerx3 | 16

#5816009 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:34

Damn. Thought I'd get to that joke before anyone else. Better luck next time, I guess!

By GGregoire | 16

#5815980 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

Don't feel bad, I still have nightmares of bananas in pajamas

slappygecko | 21

#5816116 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:06

Pizza pizza momizza, bananafanaboCANNIBALISM

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5816130 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:17

What the hell?! Stop drinking. Now.

By XxCrimsonxX | 2

#5815984 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:28

I will find you. And I will force you to eat a banana

dovahconn | 12

#5816266 - Saturday 4 January 2014 9:57

you are truly evil