Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of...

By Elisa_LmR - 3/1/2014 23:28 - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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Miscellaneous

Nice neighborhood

British Broadcasting Corporation

Peaky Bladders

By workerbee - 27/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call in my office with the door closed. I let out some loud farts and felt liberated. Forgot my phone was NOT on mute. There were only 3 people on the conference call - including me. FML

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By anonymous - 7/10/2011 15:09 - Australia

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

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By allycat - 25/7/2011 03:26 - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

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By ThirteenThirteen - 1/4/2015 22:09 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

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By haha247 - 14/8/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 22:35 - Canada - Concord

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:40 - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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By doomeddaddy - 3/8/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By Idktbh - 18/11/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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By fmyhabit - 15/4/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - 20/9/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By Dogsbody - 27/5/2019 02:30

Today, I noticed that my dad scolds me in the same tone of voice that he uses to scold our two dogs. Gives a whole new meaning to being treated like a dog. FML

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By Dave - 7/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 01:03 - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

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By SpaceAstronaut - 28/12/2010 21:42 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 01:34 - United States - West Chester

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

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By Does this thought count? - 1/8/2014 00:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 05:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

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By Nursr187 - 21/1/2018 15:00

Today, my wife asked me to back up all the photos and videos from our desktop computer so I synced it with my Google account. Every graphic picture and video my wife and I have ever exchanged was sent to all 3 of our children's tablets. My daughter cried all night. FML

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By jena - 22/8/2018 22:00

EMERGENCY

Today, my daughter called 911. Why? Because she couldn't get the images to show up on her phone. She's 12. FML

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By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By kaydebug - 15/8/2018 03:30

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By hugs511 - 25/7/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

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By Arrgh - 27/5/2009 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 11:42 - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 00:11 - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By busted - 5/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

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By Chicagoillinois - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

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By dl - 12/4/2012 02:54 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 06:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML

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By missingno007 - 28/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

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By LilaTheGreat - 5/5/2013 23:51 - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

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By catstew - 2/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

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By JSeth - 4/7/2009 16:52 - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

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By notgettingany - 24/11/2010 17:18 - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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By FuckPollen - 8/7/2015 11:01 - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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By Reaper - 22/2/2009 10:01 - South Africa

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: "me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

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By jfields2474 - 16/3/2015 04:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML

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Top comments

By rockne93 | 17

#5815971 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Orange you glad you aren't afraid of bananas, guys?

By WFFLPWND | 10

#5815972 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

You must peel very bad... (I'm so sorry I have to)

COMMENTS

By rockne93 | 17

#5815971 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Orange you glad you aren't afraid of bananas, guys?

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5815989 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:29

Strange phobia. I'm guessing that it is from a childhood experience.

DoctorRoche | 11

#5815998 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:31

Orange you glad we didn't thumbs down that bad pun?

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5816007 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:33

#13 I can imagine that in my head right now.
OP: Steve! Stop feeding me your banana!

rockne93 | 17

#5816022 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:39

#18 Calm down there buddy. If you want to talk shit, go to the toilet store.

DoctorRoche | 11

#5816028 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:48

Rocknee you mad bro?

Awesome58422599 | 19

#5816061 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:08

It would suck if your boyfriend had a curved dick.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5816083 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:33

Where's you get these puns the toilet store?

Fermion | 20

#5816105 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:58

Well he isn't alone! Pythagoras had a fear of beans AND lived in Greece. Could you imagine how rough that would be for him? Everyone has a phobia strange or not.

stewpididiot | 11

#5816212 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:52

At first I thought it said 'wanking bananas' !!!

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5816550 - Saturday 4 January 2014 18:30

Pythagoras had a fear of beans? I thought he was just afraid of theorems.
*Ba dum tis*

Goldenchest | 14

#5816946 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:27

Am I the only one who got 49's reference?

mrhe3t | 9

#5817569 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:30

Nope, and it's actually kind of funny but hey, he was being a dick.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5820095 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 22:24

God forbid your bf uses a banana flavored condom on his curved member...

By WFFLPWND | 10

#5815972 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

You must peel very bad... (I'm so sorry I have to)

\ | 28

#5816016 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:36

Banana Terracotta Pie, anyone?

Enslaved | 36

#5816074 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:19

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? It's me she's going to eat."

\ | 28

#5816137 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:24

I assume not many here got the System of a Down reference...

clemsi | 20

#5816199 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:31

I did. ...and now I can't get the song out of my head

Ambient25 | 24

#5816273 - Saturday 4 January 2014 10:25

this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5816292 - Saturday 4 January 2014 10:59

Make like a banana and split.

kaitlynjane | 28

#5817238 - Sunday 5 January 2014 5:04

A System of a Down reference down voted.. And a shitty pop song reference gets up voted?

Yep. The world has officially gone to shit.

squideth | 18

#5818576 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:41

138 shut up you pretentious fuck.

By SonOfAMitch | 14

#5815973 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Going bananas, eh OP?

zandalee | 19

#5816047 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:58

Take revenge! Make a massive banana smoothie and make evil giggles while slurping it down.

stephhrunsaway | 21

#5816213 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:53

That hilarious moment when my sis almost chokes to death on her peanut butter and banana sandwich after I read her this FML.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5816538 - Saturday 4 January 2014 18:08

Wasn't this on an episode of courage the cowardly dog?

By mcr2000 | 11

#5815974 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

like that episode of zack and cody

nickn426 | 14

#5816483 - Saturday 4 January 2014 16:43

There was a show I watched as a toddler "Bananas in Pajamas" That was some freaky shit man.

kmccain | 27

#5816766 - Saturday 4 January 2014 21:45

#4 that's exactly what I thought of reading this.

Eternal94 | 10

#5817097 - Sunday 5 January 2014 2:25

Is that the tv show about two bananas that name banana A and banana B ?

applebramble | 22

#5817773 - Sunday 5 January 2014 18:16

I can't believe no one has mentioned the minions! ):

By DoctorRoche | 11

#5815975 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

This isn't a phobia at all.. Bananas are fucking terrifying.

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5816064 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:10

Brazilian gangs in a nutshell. They be ghetto blasting the Chiquita Banana jingle all over the favellas.

Zelphoric | 25

#5816179 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:11

Bananas are okay... I fear banana slicers much more o_o

Helpfulman | 17

#5816632 - Saturday 4 January 2014 19:30

Dat peel tho.

nick3600 | 22

#5819076 - Monday 6 January 2014 20:57

A banana molested me :(

By TyT63 | 12

#5815976 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

you came to the wrong bananahood mother fucker

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5815982 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:28

Your joke is bad and you should feel bad!

emirie | 21

#5816101 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:54

I thought it was brilliant.

By ViktoriaaKills | 13

#5815978 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

You must have loved Bananas in Pajamas.

HelloooooNurse | 20

#5816520 - Saturday 4 January 2014 17:38

Now that damn song is in my head :(

By duhhspammerx3 | 16

#5815979 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

I guess you could say OP was going bananas ;)

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5816003 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:32

Thank god no one has made that joke on this thread.
Oh, wait..

duhhspammerx3 | 16

#5816009 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:34

Damn. Thought I'd get to that joke before anyone else. Better luck next time, I guess!

By GGregoire | 16

#5815980 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

Don't feel bad, I still have nightmares of bananas in pajamas

slappygecko | 21

#5816116 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:06

Pizza pizza momizza, bananafanaboCANNIBALISM

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5816130 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:17

What the hell?! Stop drinking. Now.

By XxCrimsonxX | 2

#5815984 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:28

I will find you. And I will force you to eat a banana

dovahconn | 12

#5816266 - Saturday 4 January 2014 9:57

you are truly evil