Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of...

By Elisa_LmR - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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Miscellaneous

Everyone's an expert

Forever the bridesmaid

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

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By Holymoly - Netherlands

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

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By Chipper - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By Tired - Philippines

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

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By ItWasHotAsBalls

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

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By lds124 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

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By hangup - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By SmallTownCutie

Today, I finally broke down and told my mom that I'd relapsed with my eating disorder. She told me to quit whining and eat a burger, because she didn't want to pay for another therapy session. FML

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1984

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By ihatemyjob - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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4347

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By wtf - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

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By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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11733

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML

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35060

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By - 13/1/2020 18:00

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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2570

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By NickC - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lihue

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

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48659

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By nah - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

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By dog_day - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

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By Were do we go... - United States

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

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By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Buzau

Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she's damned our family to hell. FML

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Today, I went to pick up a pizza with my kids for an easy dinner. As soon as I opened my mouth to order, the 2-year-old in my arms vomited into it. FML

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2237

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By dumped - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because apparently I don't appreciate how he's different from other guys. I only told him that showering once a month was not normal. FML

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By romantic84 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

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By Frauded - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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510

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

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By eeeee - United States

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

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24313

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By - 24/2/2020 18:00

I miss him

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

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By not picking up - Slovenia - Zelimlje

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

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By One Angry Vegan

Today, marks 2 weeks since I got Oral Allergy Syndrome, a.k.a. randomly becoming allergic to apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, mangos, carrots, celery, beets, sunflower seeds, fennel, my toothpaste, and more things I just haven't tried yet. I'm vegan. FML

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Top comments

By rockne93 | 17

#5815971 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Orange you glad you aren't afraid of bananas, guys?

By WFFLPWND | 10

#5815972 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

You must peel very bad... (I'm so sorry I have to)

COMMENTS

By rockne93 | 17

#5815971 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Orange you glad you aren't afraid of bananas, guys?

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5815989 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:29

Strange phobia. I'm guessing that it is from a childhood experience.

DoctorRoche | 11

#5815998 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:31

Orange you glad we didn't thumbs down that bad pun?

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5816007 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:33

#13 I can imagine that in my head right now.
OP: Steve! Stop feeding me your banana!

rockne93 | 17

#5816022 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:39

#18 Calm down there buddy. If you want to talk shit, go to the toilet store.

DoctorRoche | 11

#5816028 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:48

Rocknee you mad bro?

Awesome58422599 | 19

#5816061 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:08

It would suck if your boyfriend had a curved dick.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5816083 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:33

Where's you get these puns the toilet store?

Fermion | 20

#5816105 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:58

Well he isn't alone! Pythagoras had a fear of beans AND lived in Greece. Could you imagine how rough that would be for him? Everyone has a phobia strange or not.

stewpididiot | 11

#5816212 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:52

At first I thought it said 'wanking bananas' !!!

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5816550 - Saturday 4 January 2014 18:30

Pythagoras had a fear of beans? I thought he was just afraid of theorems.
*Ba dum tis*

Goldenchest | 14

#5816946 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:27

Am I the only one who got 49's reference?

mrhe3t | 9

#5817569 - Sunday 5 January 2014 13:30

Nope, and it's actually kind of funny but hey, he was being a dick.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5820095 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 22:24

God forbid your bf uses a banana flavored condom on his curved member...

By WFFLPWND | 10

#5815972 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

You must peel very bad... (I'm so sorry I have to)

\ | 28

#5816016 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:36

Banana Terracotta Pie, anyone?

Enslaved | 36

#5816074 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:19

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? It's me she's going to eat."

\ | 28

#5816137 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:24

I assume not many here got the System of a Down reference...

clemsi | 20

#5816199 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:31

I did. ...and now I can't get the song out of my head

Ambient25 | 24

#5816273 - Saturday 4 January 2014 10:25

this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5816292 - Saturday 4 January 2014 10:59

Make like a banana and split.

kaitlynjane | 28

#5817238 - Sunday 5 January 2014 5:04

A System of a Down reference down voted.. And a shitty pop song reference gets up voted?

Yep. The world has officially gone to shit.

squideth | 18

#5818576 - Monday 6 January 2014 8:41

138 shut up you pretentious fuck.

By SonOfAMitch | 14

#5815973 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:25

Going bananas, eh OP?

zandalee | 19

#5816047 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:58

Take revenge! Make a massive banana smoothie and make evil giggles while slurping it down.

stephhrunsaway | 21

#5816213 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:53

That hilarious moment when my sis almost chokes to death on her peanut butter and banana sandwich after I read her this FML.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#5816538 - Saturday 4 January 2014 18:08

Wasn't this on an episode of courage the cowardly dog?

By mcr2000 | 11

#5815974 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

like that episode of zack and cody

nickn426 | 14

#5816483 - Saturday 4 January 2014 16:43

There was a show I watched as a toddler "Bananas in Pajamas" That was some freaky shit man.

kmccain | 27

#5816766 - Saturday 4 January 2014 21:45

#4 that's exactly what I thought of reading this.

Eternal94 | 10

#5817097 - Sunday 5 January 2014 2:25

Is that the tv show about two bananas that name banana A and banana B ?

applebramble | 22

#5817773 - Sunday 5 January 2014 18:16

I can't believe no one has mentioned the minions! ):

By DoctorRoche | 11

#5815975 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

This isn't a phobia at all.. Bananas are fucking terrifying.

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5816064 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:10

Brazilian gangs in a nutshell. They be ghetto blasting the Chiquita Banana jingle all over the favellas.

Zelphoric | 25

#5816179 - Saturday 4 January 2014 8:11

Bananas are okay... I fear banana slicers much more o_o

Helpfulman | 17

#5816632 - Saturday 4 January 2014 19:30

Dat peel tho.

nick3600 | 22

#5819076 - Monday 6 January 2014 20:57

A banana molested me :(

By TyT63 | 12

#5815976 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:26

you came to the wrong bananahood mother fucker

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5815982 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:28

Your joke is bad and you should feel bad!

emirie | 21

#5816101 - Saturday 4 January 2014 6:54

I thought it was brilliant.

By ViktoriaaKills | 13

#5815978 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

You must have loved Bananas in Pajamas.

HelloooooNurse | 20

#5816520 - Saturday 4 January 2014 17:38

Now that damn song is in my head :(

By duhhspammerx3 | 16

#5815979 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

I guess you could say OP was going bananas ;)

SonOfAMitch | 14

#5816003 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:32

Thank god no one has made that joke on this thread.
Oh, wait..

duhhspammerx3 | 16

#5816009 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:34

Damn. Thought I'd get to that joke before anyone else. Better luck next time, I guess!

By GGregoire | 16

#5815980 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:27

Don't feel bad, I still have nightmares of bananas in pajamas

slappygecko | 21

#5816116 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:06

Pizza pizza momizza, bananafanaboCANNIBALISM

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5816130 - Saturday 4 January 2014 7:17

What the hell?! Stop drinking. Now.

By XxCrimsonxX | 2

#5815984 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:28

I will find you. And I will force you to eat a banana

dovahconn | 12

#5816266 - Saturday 4 January 2014 9:57

you are truly evil