Cats and Animals: Asshole

Asshole

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 20:38 - Netherlands - Mierlo

Today, my drunk dad decided to wake me up by lobbing our cat directly into my now-mauled face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 080

You deserved it 3 224

Cats Animals

Broken heart

Late term

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

By anonymous - 05/04/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 900

You deserved it 3 556

By j. farmer-smith - 09/02/2018 23:00 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 084

You deserved it 3 296

By dynomyte - 11/02/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, as I sat on the table in my gynecologist's office for my yearly checkup, I realized that was the most action I got in the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 889

You deserved it 8 133

By mrtoolate - 19/06/2016 08:58 - India - Pune

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 830

You deserved it 1 710

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 05:54 - United States

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 723

You deserved it 8 253

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

By WTFiswrongwithme - 03/03/2020 00:01

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 856

By offended - 14/06/2012 08:11 - United States - East Hampton

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 468

You deserved it 2 425

By mislead - 22/09/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 576

You deserved it 6 135

By TodX - 27/12/2008 08:23 - France

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 712

You deserved it 5 747

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 07:29 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 738

You deserved it 1 868

She's lost control again

By Anonymous - 02/07/2019 13:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 533

You deserved it 157

By Anonymous - 10/03/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I discovered my water bottle had leaked and spilled water all over my backpack, ruining my notebooks, soaking my schoolbooks, and destroying my midterm portfolio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 736

You deserved it 5 703

By Crumpet - 25/06/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 936

You deserved it 5 274

By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 13:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was told that all the data on my laptop is unrecoverable after my hard drive crashed. I have been charged £300 for them to tell me this. Feeling sorry for myself, I wrapped myself up in a blanket and turned on my fan radiator as it's so cold... and promptly set my carpet on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 719

You deserved it 3 880

By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 366

You deserved it 2 466

By Zero_TAlent_ - 29/03/2016 20:27 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 321

You deserved it 1 598

By unit - 07/07/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 846

You deserved it 39 935

By Anonymous - 16/02/2017 04:00 - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 767

You deserved it 514

By YouAREthefather - 18/03/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 294

You deserved it 3 831

By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 427

You deserved it 3 215

By allalone - 14/07/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 287

You deserved it 45 293

Who knows?

By lilyann - 24/12/2020 08:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, the entire back room of Walmart smelled like cat piss. No one else complained, as they all claimed they couldn’t smell a thing under their masks. I, on the other hand, have a headache and nausea from the overpowering scent despite my mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 91

Body issues

By Anonymous - 01/12/2021 10:59

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 217

Seasonal allergies

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 06:01

Today, I sneezed inside my helmet when I was driving 90 mph on my motorbike. No quick solutions were available to improve visibility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 226

By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 2 594

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 06:07 - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 246

You deserved it 4 390

By Stepmotherfucker - 23/03/2016 06:32 - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 111

You deserved it 1 541

By ugh - 21/01/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 368

You deserved it 6 012

How to make a sociopath

By Anonymous - 10/04/2020 14:00

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 652

You deserved it 139

By ApparentlyATerribleDaughter - 12/08/2018 15:00

Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and knocked out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 218

You deserved it 182

By igotsbadluck - 17/07/2013 21:44 - United States - Smyrna

Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 031

You deserved it 41 895

By Anonymous - 11/08/2016 12:40 - Canada - Toronto

Today, two customers complained about the shitty service they received from my coworkers. I apologized and asked about the complaint. Their issues were legitimate and I promised to pass them on. They demanded to speak to my manager and my coworkers got in trouble. Now they think I'm a snitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 809

You deserved it 1 532

Emergency cooking

By YoshiSqu4d - 31/07/2020 20:01

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 079

You deserved it 342

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 055

You deserved it 9 170

Expanding universe

By JessicaandGhazi - 26/05/2020 20:00

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 501

You deserved it 326

By SymmetricalPizzaFace - 07/09/2014 04:52 - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 655

You deserved it 2 943

Quick Stop

By poopy pants - 08/04/2013 01:47 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 200

You deserved it 8 704

By mom2010 - 15/12/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 826

You deserved it 3 898

By Owww - 10/07/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 612

You deserved it 409

By Anonymous - 16/03/2016 20:58 - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 840

You deserved it 1 779

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Top comments

ApollosMyth 22

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:23

Well, lob it back? Though I will admit it is an effective way of waking someone up, that is, if you're a giant asshole.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:24

Sounds like something the cat dragged in... Don't you love when expressions make sense?!

ApollosMyth 22

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:23

Well, lob it back? Though I will admit it is an effective way of waking someone up, that is, if you're a giant asshole.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:24

Sounds like something the cat dragged in... Don't you love when expressions make sense?!

Dusty_Busters 15

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Saturday 22 June 2013 8:59

Eh... Kinda close I guess lol

artistic09 7

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:27

Sorry I feel much worse for the cat, it had to deal with your drunk dad, just make such you don't get cat scratch disease

ironichalibut 24

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:27

Next time he takes a shower give him the ol' cat-hat.

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 22 June 2013 6:13

Am I only the only sick bastard that thought of a hat made out of a cat? Yes? Alright then.

Dusty_Busters 15

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Saturday 22 June 2013 9:00

Oh I liked that!

Skarkie321 18

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:28

Poor cat...

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:30

Understandably the cat must be pissed, but I'd say OP's face probably needs much more sympathy.

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:59

8, your dog is beautiful

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 22 June 2013 16:00

Aw, thanks. I have three lovely border collies.

AnthonyWheeler15 24

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:28

Ouch! Well sorry to hear OP! Neither you or the cat deserved it.

3mILY_maRy629 11

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:28

What an ass.

kdbernie10 3

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:32

This is an ingenious new alarm. I always just snooze my alarm and sleep more. But you can't snooze aching cat wounds.

girlbye23 15

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:33

Wait till he is sleeping then lob it back

olpally 32

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:33

Wake up! What a dick move. The cat is not the troll for once! Your dad is.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 553

You deserved it 159

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 241

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