Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed... - FML

By assholedad - 21/6/2013 18:05 - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

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Family values

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By neverhavingkids - 21/1/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By coleslaw - 3/2/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

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By stabbed with kindness - 2/3/2013 21:44 - Russian Federation - Elektrostal

Today, on the way home, a guy yelled "Hey, YOU!" from behind me, so I walked faster. He ran up to me, shouting, "I said stop, asshole!" I almost pissed myself in fear, thinking I was being mugged. Turns out I'd left my wallet at the grocery store, and he was just trying to return it. FML

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By Andrew - 23/10/2012 19:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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By sadguy - 22/9/2009 18:30 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2015 16:11 - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

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By Aaaaahhhhhhhh - 23/8/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep they crawl on me. FML

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By fire0fisis - 3/2/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

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By scared and alone - 13/3/2015 18:47 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML

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By MikaPika - 7/3/2017 20:00 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

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By devourer, apparently - 14/8/2018 22:18

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

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By kelsjenks - 27/7/2011 13:50 - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

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By swindstorm - 6/12/2010 12:24

Today, I found out that the woman I'm currently dating used to be a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 07:18 - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By NotaDTfan - 30/4/2017 02:00

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 07:03 - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By Husband - 13/3/2017 18:00

Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2018 15:00

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

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By chelse_elyce - 21/1/2015 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

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By bf - 19/12/2013 02:59 - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 23:00

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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By harry - 4/12/2009 05:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

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By winneuse - 5/6/2015 02:30 - France - Allennes-les-marais

Today, for the first time since kindergarten, I won! I came first! Yes, I'm first on the waiting list for the M.A. degree I applied to. FML

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By insideout - 10/5/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By notalovestory - 11/11/2012 22:48 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

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By Serire - 23/9/2014 00:23 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By KJS - 10/3/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By not a boy toy - 31/3/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By Zora - 15/7/2012 23:13 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

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By jjjjjohn cena - 13/8/2015 01:44 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

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By ohwell - 9/6/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, I finally confessed to the guy I've liked for 2 years. I told him that I've really liked him for a long time and that I knew he had a girlfriend and I didn't expect anything from him, I just wanted him to know. His response: "Are you done? 'Cause I need to go to the bathroom." FML

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By fuckmyhair - 16/4/2020 23:00

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

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By FlamedOut - 23/4/2017 22:00

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

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By MiserableGradStudent - 11/12/2017 01:30

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

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By TractorUWG - 27/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

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Top comments

By BrookieAnn | 19

#5545961 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Tell him to piss off

By Pleonasm | 34

#5545973 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:17

I dream that one day that will be me.
Punning is an infectious humour; and one that is gaining tract-ion on this site.

Comments

By BrookieAnn | 19

#5545961 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Tell him to piss off

Reply

Cobro | 5

#5545981 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:20

That's the last thing OP wants to hear right now...

Reply

puzzle05 | 9

#5546063 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:53

OP just said he didn't want to hear puns pertaining to his UTI... Why would he say it himself...?

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5546508 - Saturday 22 June 2013 10:10

he's been spending too much time on this site??

By ShyAnn29 | 14

#5545962 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Puns can be annoying sometimes

Reply

phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5545999 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:26

I like to hit people in the penis when they go over board with puns

Reply

lifesucks1217 | 6

#5546132 - Saturday 22 June 2013 4:23

always are...

By mariepastyglue | 30

#5545964 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:15

You should have taken better care of yourself but you didn't.! That's why urine this mess in the first place...

Reply

andy1500726 | 19

#5546131 - Saturday 22 June 2013 4:23

I currently have a UTI, and let me tell u they happen at random. even infants sometimes get them, so Its not a question of taking care of your self. next time u try to blame someone make sure u know what ur saying!

Reply

Sputnikspak | 13

#5546520 - Saturday 22 June 2013 10:26

Yeah, UTIs aren't really something you can always prevent. I'm prone to them (and kidney problems) because I have Lupus. It doesn't matter what I do, I always get a couple every year.

Reply

Epikouros | 31

#5546601 - Saturday 22 June 2013 12:47

Exactly. I even got a UTI from drinking too much water.

Reply

BigJoeZD | 16

#5546642 - Saturday 22 June 2013 15:28

You should go to a doctor and find out why you keep getting these UTI's.

Didn't you know? It's never Lupus

Reply

Omegamike101 | 7

#5548202 - Sunday 23 June 2013 14:35

#50 butthurt much? Jesus christ laugh a little

By Pleonasm | 34

#5545973 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:17

I dream that one day that will be me.
Punning is an infectious humour; and one that is gaining tract-ion on this site.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5545998 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:25

Punny you should say that...

By andrew6p | 19

#5545975 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:18

Wow ur dad's lame and annoying! Reminds me of a scene in a movie i once watched!

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5546043 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:43

Oh cool story!

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5546051 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:45

Was it that one scene in that one movie where those people did that thing?... Haha

Reply

andrew6p | 19

#5546940 - Saturday 22 June 2013 20:15

Seriously guys?

Reply

SkyGuy32 | 17

#5547736 - Sunday 23 June 2013 6:00

#28, I think it was the one from the other movie where they did the other thing.

By goodoldave | 17

#5545982 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:20

If I was in the sons situation I would find it funny. Thumb me down if you want but that shits funny.

By AngelSpit | 18

#5545984 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:21

You know OP on a sucky scale from 1-10 I think you're an eight :)

Reply

SaxophoneHero | 12

#5546771 - Saturday 22 June 2013 17:07

I think that comment was a ten.

Reply

SkyGuy32 | 17

#5547737 - Sunday 23 June 2013 6:01

And I accidentally liked the comment when I tried to dislike.

Reply

AngelSpit | 18

#5547863 - Sunday 23 June 2013 7:47

It's ok 77 not everyone has the intelligence to get word play :p

By ObsessedWithMe | 13

#5545987 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:21

I'm sure you've got some quirks of your dads you can play on. or ignore him it's not that bad.

By mcrepas | 19

#5545989 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:22

Sounds like you're pretty "pee-'oed" about that.

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5546258 - Saturday 22 June 2013 5:34

I think you're missing the point.

Reply

mcrepas | 19

#5546326 - Saturday 22 June 2013 6:11

Sometimes my sarcasm goes a bit too far for this bunch...

Reply

Neyuu | 18

#5546562 - Saturday 22 June 2013 11:34

I don't think you know what sarcasm is.

Reply

mcrepas | 19

#5547323 - Sunday 23 June 2013 0:39

Well it would appear that I don't know what the word means since I used it in the wrong way. What can I say? I'm a goob sometimes. I guess I should have written that 'people don't understand my humor or lack there of' instead of sarcasm. My bad folks

By chocolateisyum | 12

#5545997 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:25

It sounds like all these puns are making you a little pee'd off.