Health: Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed... - FML

By assholedad - 21/06/2013 18:05 - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 138

You deserved it 5 080

Late bloomers

Not a fan

Callous

Overreaching

By Anonymous - 11/05/2021 00:01

Today, I was told I can’t wear a nose ring at my new job because several customers "don’t like it." It’s a very small nose ring and the job is a shack that serves food through a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 326

By Rachel - 02/02/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 192

You deserved it 3 232

By Skido - 20/02/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 416

You deserved it 9 009

By leeceetaylor99 - 15/07/2013 16:47 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 766

You deserved it 3 863

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 22:27 - United States

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a major scholarship competition. After months of waiting, during which my parents were convinced I had won, I discovered that my entry had never been received. Apparently the woman I had confirmed with had had a long day, and lied so that she could go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 830

You deserved it 2 852

By MeanMother - 28/06/2012 20:29 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 943

You deserved it 91 021

By scarred - 17/09/2018 15:30

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 414

You deserved it 364

By hh - 05/12/2014 21:13 - United States - Clear Lake

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. When I got there, I got sent on a scavenger hunt that ended with him proposing to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 565

You deserved it 7 210

Sorry for what?

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 21:30

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years said he wanted an open relationship. When I asked if it was because I wasn’t good enough to fulfill his needs, he got mad at me and now expects an apology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 13/06/2019 03:00

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 26/04/2014 20:05 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 794

You deserved it 4 712

By Anonymous - 31/05/2010 12:14 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 449

You deserved it 6 902

By Anonymous - 02/07/2019 14:05

Today, I finally hit rock bottom when I broke down in tears because I forgot to feed my cats in Neko Atsume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 637

By Sprinkles - 04/02/2015 07:44 - Australia

Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 835

You deserved it 2 712

By orangechicken - 16/04/2012 22:00 - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 791

You deserved it 5 854

By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - 17/07/2015 17:50 - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 719

You deserved it 2 606

By sarah - 11/02/2012 06:36 - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 196

You deserved it 47 205

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 024

You deserved it 2 833

By radiant - 22/01/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 925

You deserved it 4 231

By MCForty - 27/02/2015 15:29 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 925

You deserved it 3 120

By everyonesdivorced - 02/10/2009 16:47 - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 502

You deserved it 3 162

By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 3 723

By hate - 06/07/2017 11:58

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 166

You deserved it 436

By mental - 25/10/2012 23:09 - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 557

You deserved it 6 029

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 23:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 374

You deserved it 5 337

By why? - 01/01/2013 05:41 - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 914

You deserved it 2 376

By Anonymous - 29/08/2011 13:05 - United States

Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 308

You deserved it 41 222

By Anonymous - 27/08/2009 23:49 - United States

Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of my car when I was getting in. Panicking, I drove back to look for it. I found it in the middle of the street, still intact. Yay! When I went back to my car, I noticed I had locked my door. And the keys were in the ignition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 085

You deserved it 38 501

Special announcement

By tired - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I'd been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 3 661

By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 886

You deserved it 7 007

By SkyDiver - 20/05/2011 07:46

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 132

You deserved it 42 508

By Anonymous - 31/05/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 380

You deserved it 4 005

By unattractive - 18/12/2010 09:32 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 465

You deserved it 6 340

By right - 02/08/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Spicy

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 499

You deserved it 8 194

By jemma - 04/08/2009 11:27 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 989

You deserved it 4 716

By Username - 13/02/2012 21:31 - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 838

You deserved it 4 753

By Anonymous - 24/05/2018 19:00

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 900

You deserved it 478

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 07:18 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 477

You deserved it 3 046

By Anonymous - 21/02/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 025

You deserved it 31 896

Astrology is bullshit, get better friends

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 14:00

Today, my friend reminded me that I have been on a ton of dates lately, but couldn't get a girlfriend because I thought something was off with them all. He also reminded me that I have dated every zodiac sign, meaning I'm out of options. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 517

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Tell him to piss off

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:17

I dream that one day that will be me. Punning is an infectious humour; and one that is gaining tract-ion on this site.

Comments

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Tell him to piss off

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:20

That's the last thing OP wants to hear right now...

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:53

OP just said he didn't want to hear puns pertaining to his UTI... Why would he say it himself...?

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Saturday 22 June 2013 10:10

he's been spending too much time on this site??

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Puns can be annoying sometimes

phoneYuNOlisten 16

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:26

I like to hit people in the penis when they go over board with puns

lifesucks1217 6

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Saturday 22 June 2013 4:23

always are...

mariepastyglue 30

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:15

You should have taken better care of yourself but you didn't.! That's why urine this mess in the first place...

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Saturday 22 June 2013 4:23

I currently have a UTI, and let me tell u they happen at random. even infants sometimes get them, so Its not a question of taking care of your self. next time u try to blame someone make sure u know what ur saying!

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Saturday 22 June 2013 10:26

Yeah, UTIs aren't really something you can always prevent. I'm prone to them (and kidney problems) because I have Lupus. It doesn't matter what I do, I always get a couple every year.

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Saturday 22 June 2013 12:47

Exactly. I even got a UTI from drinking too much water.

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Saturday 22 June 2013 15:28

You should go to a doctor and find out why you keep getting these UTI's. Didn't you know? It's never Lupus

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Sunday 23 June 2013 14:35

#50 butthurt much? Jesus christ laugh a little

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:17

I dream that one day that will be me. Punning is an infectious humour; and one that is gaining tract-ion on this site.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:25

Punny you should say that...

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:18

Wow ur dad's lame and annoying! Reminds me of a scene in a movie i once watched!

CharresBarkrey 15

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:43

Oh cool story!

LissaMccracken 23

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:45

Was it that one scene in that one movie where those people did that thing?... Haha

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Saturday 22 June 2013 20:15

Seriously guys?

SkyGuy32 17

Sunday 23 June 2013 6:00

#28, I think it was the one from the other movie where they did the other thing.

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:20

If I was in the sons situation I would find it funny. Thumb me down if you want but that shits funny.

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:21

You know OP on a sucky scale from 1-10 I think you're an eight :)

SaxophoneHero 12

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Saturday 22 June 2013 17:07

I think that comment was a ten.

SkyGuy32 17

Sunday 23 June 2013 6:01

And I accidentally liked the comment when I tried to dislike.

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Sunday 23 June 2013 7:47

It's ok 77 not everyone has the intelligence to get word play :p

ObsessedWithMe 13

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:21

I'm sure you've got some quirks of your dads you can play on. or ignore him it's not that bad.

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:22

Sounds like you're pretty "pee-'oed" about that.

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 22 June 2013 5:34

I think you're missing the point.

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Saturday 22 June 2013 6:11

Sometimes my sarcasm goes a bit too far for this bunch...

Neyuu 18

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Saturday 22 June 2013 11:34

I don't think you know what sarcasm is.

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Sunday 23 June 2013 0:39

Well it would appear that I don't know what the word means since I used it in the wrong way. What can I say? I'm a goob sometimes. I guess I should have written that 'people don't understand my humor or lack there of' instead of sarcasm. My bad folks

chocolateisyum 12

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Saturday 22 June 2013 2:25

It sounds like all these puns are making you a little pee'd off.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 106

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 291