Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed... - FML

By assholedad - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

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Messed up

This is us

Booty pic

By Albert - United States

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

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By clueless2 - United States

Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By cpmagnusox - 17/3/2020 08:30

Sharing is caring

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

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By sarika - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

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By Lauren - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

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By Watsausrname

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By oped01 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, in a department store, a woman with a parrot sitting on her shoulder was trying to return a coffee maker. She explained that she had to return the coffee maker because the bird didn't like it sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

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By therevsev - United States

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

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By charlotte273 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By Lanthane - France - Bordeaux

Today, after living for a while with my husband and our cat, I'm still not sure which of the two leaves the most hairs strewn around the house. FML

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By KamiyaHaine - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got married. The officiant of the ceremony referred to me as Amanda through my ceremony. My name is Anna. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encinitas

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

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By Brendan - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

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By pokeballbra - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

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By thatoneguy - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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By elmangy - United States

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

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By samabomination - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

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By gmian - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

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By daddy - France

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where was the police? They were 500m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

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By jules - United States

Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

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By quietdown - United States

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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By kipper

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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By Somerandomguy64 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By hardgraderorhardass - United States - Bridgewater

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

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By catattack78 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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Top comments

By BrookieAnn | 19

#5545961 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Tell him to piss off

By Pleonasm | 34

#5545973 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:17

I dream that one day that will be me.
Punning is an infectious humour; and one that is gaining tract-ion on this site.

COMMENTS

By BrookieAnn | 19

#5545961 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Tell him to piss off

Reply

Cobro | 5

#5545981 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:20

That's the last thing OP wants to hear right now...

Reply

puzzle05 | 9

#5546063 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:53

OP just said he didn't want to hear puns pertaining to his UTI... Why would he say it himself...?

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5546508 - Saturday 22 June 2013 10:10

he's been spending too much time on this site??

By ShyAnn29 | 14

#5545962 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:14

Puns can be annoying sometimes

Reply

phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5545999 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:26

I like to hit people in the penis when they go over board with puns

Reply

lifesucks1217 | 6

#5546132 - Saturday 22 June 2013 4:23

always are...

By mariepastyglue | 30

#5545964 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:15

You should have taken better care of yourself but you didn't.! That's why urine this mess in the first place...

Reply

andy1500726 | 19

#5546131 - Saturday 22 June 2013 4:23

I currently have a UTI, and let me tell u they happen at random. even infants sometimes get them, so Its not a question of taking care of your self. next time u try to blame someone make sure u know what ur saying!

Reply

Sputnikspak | 13

#5546520 - Saturday 22 June 2013 10:26

Yeah, UTIs aren't really something you can always prevent. I'm prone to them (and kidney problems) because I have Lupus. It doesn't matter what I do, I always get a couple every year.

Reply

Epikouros | 31

#5546601 - Saturday 22 June 2013 12:47

Exactly. I even got a UTI from drinking too much water.

Reply

BigJoeZD | 16

#5546642 - Saturday 22 June 2013 15:28

You should go to a doctor and find out why you keep getting these UTI's.

Didn't you know? It's never Lupus

Reply

Omegamike101 | 7

#5548202 - Sunday 23 June 2013 14:35

#50 butthurt much? Jesus christ laugh a little

By Pleonasm | 34

#5545973 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:17

I dream that one day that will be me.
Punning is an infectious humour; and one that is gaining tract-ion on this site.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5545998 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:25

Punny you should say that...

By andrew6p | 19

#5545975 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:18

Wow ur dad's lame and annoying! Reminds me of a scene in a movie i once watched!

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5546043 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:43

Oh cool story!

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5546051 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:45

Was it that one scene in that one movie where those people did that thing?... Haha

Reply

andrew6p | 19

#5546940 - Saturday 22 June 2013 20:15

Seriously guys?

Reply

SkyGuy32 | 17

#5547736 - Sunday 23 June 2013 6:00

#28, I think it was the one from the other movie where they did the other thing.

By goodoldave | 17

#5545982 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:20

If I was in the sons situation I would find it funny. Thumb me down if you want but that shits funny.

By AngelSpit | 18

#5545984 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:21

You know OP on a sucky scale from 1-10 I think you're an eight :)

Reply

SaxophoneHero | 12

#5546771 - Saturday 22 June 2013 17:07

I think that comment was a ten.

Reply

SkyGuy32 | 17

#5547737 - Sunday 23 June 2013 6:01

And I accidentally liked the comment when I tried to dislike.

Reply

AngelSpit | 18

#5547863 - Sunday 23 June 2013 7:47

It's ok 77 not everyone has the intelligence to get word play :p

By ObsessedWithMe | 13

#5545987 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:21

I'm sure you've got some quirks of your dads you can play on. or ignore him it's not that bad.

By mcrepas | 19

#5545989 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:22

Sounds like you're pretty "pee-'oed" about that.

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5546258 - Saturday 22 June 2013 5:34

I think you're missing the point.

Reply

mcrepas | 19

#5546326 - Saturday 22 June 2013 6:11

Sometimes my sarcasm goes a bit too far for this bunch...

Reply

Neyuu | 18

#5546562 - Saturday 22 June 2013 11:34

I don't think you know what sarcasm is.

Reply

mcrepas | 19

#5547323 - Sunday 23 June 2013 0:39

Well it would appear that I don't know what the word means since I used it in the wrong way. What can I say? I'm a goob sometimes. I guess I should have written that 'people don't understand my humor or lack there of' instead of sarcasm. My bad folks

By chocolateisyum | 12

#5545997 - Saturday 22 June 2013 2:25

It sounds like all these puns are making you a little pee'd off.