Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

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Work

Sister of the year

Reliable

A beautiful truck decoration

By Allabouttheporn - 22/12/2016 00:05

Today, at dinner, I was talking to my parents about a movie quote. I couldn't remember what movie it was from. Then I remembered. It was a porno. FML

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By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2015 16:58 - United Kingdom - Exminster

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we were eating supper soon so I could take a nap. She said "no" so I went into my room and fell asleep. When I woke up, everybody was gone. My entire family of 6 went to Olive Garden while I was sleeping. FML

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By anonymous1 - 14/6/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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By Chance115 - 11/9/2018 23:30

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

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By Scarlet - 9/8/2016 18:01

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 18:30

Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By i tried so hard - 8/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By Oblivious - 8/5/2009 19:39 - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 07:51

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By LosTits - 3/9/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By failureparent - 21/3/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

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By college0001 - 20/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Burlington

Today, my college roommate tried to kick me out, because what I say makes her uncomfortable. We haven't talked for 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 15:51 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By non believer - 23/9/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2017 02:00

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By - 29/6/2019 03:03

Today, I tried to call my company's HR to report my boss for sexually inappropriate comments towards me. Turns out, the only person I can complain to is the franchise owner, who has been good friends with my boss for over a decade. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me over for an "important chat". This chat consisted of him not only insisting that we have sex whenever he feels like it, but demanding that I take birth control pills, because making him wear a condom is "sexist and degrading". FML

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By katsaysner - 17/10/2014 17:56 - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

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By FunGhoost - 20/2/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - 9/12/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 00:37 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

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By TheJeremyMoe - 11/8/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

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By Furry - 2/12/2009 18:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

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By guttedgirl - 4/6/2011 11:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

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By too dumb for sex - 16/3/2019 22:00

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

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By Yudansha - 14/2/2009 03:10 - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 08:37 - Australia - Wilston

Today, I went to visit my dad for the first time in over a year, as I have been studying for my Master's degree in history halfway across the world. The first thing he said to me? "So, gotten a real job yet?" FML

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By jlmbull - 29/7/2015 03:04 - United States - Lansing

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

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By lonethong15 - 8/8/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

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By fat girl - 29/4/2014 22:58 - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Lamediseased - 29/9/2016 15:07 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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By Aliiveopen - 24/8/2020 07:02 - United States - Wasilla

Demon drink

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting 2 holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2018 05:00

Freaky.

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

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Top comments

By Luckster | 0

#641154 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:18

wow.... how much of assholes can people be? It's not like you can control your own bodily functions. Maybe they should have just closed the vents.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#641158 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:20

It's like... it's like your asshole is Mt. Vesuvius and the poor toilet is Pompeii and all of its unsuspecting residents.

COMMENTS

By Luckster | 0

#641154 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:18

wow.... how much of assholes can people be? It's not like you can control your own bodily functions. Maybe they should have just closed the vents.

Zezing | 0

#641512 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 16:53

Yes you can, its pepto bismol! :D upset stomach, DIaRRhEA!!

W33nie | 0

#642245 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:40

oh yeah

aerosenna | 0

#1822695 - Friday 10 December 2010 11:18

* blearrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh pluak! pooot.. * "ahhhhhh" sounds good to me .. :)

By GGnoRe | 0

#641157 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:19

What's wrong with that? Now everyone has something to remember you by!

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#641158 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:20

It's like... it's like your asshole is Mt. Vesuvius and the poor toilet is Pompeii and all of its unsuspecting residents.

onehotdemon | 0

#641810 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 21:00

LMAO! well said =P

By GGnoRe | 0

#641160 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:22

I feel sorry for all those little water molecules :(

By commentator10101 | 0

#641166 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:25

"not everyone needs to hear", are you implying that only certain people do need to hear... what kind of a pervert are you... no one should need too or indeed want too listen to evacuate your bowels

onlysoph | 0

#641195 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 10:17

What the hell? Like #1 said, you can't control your bodily functions. Maybe she got sick at work or has irritable bowel syndrome. She was in the TOILET at work. She didn't realise that everyone could hear her through the air conditioning vents. Sounds like her work needs to sort out their bathroom issues

By alicexox | 0

#641171 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:36

does that mean they can smell it too?

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#641184 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 9:52

Trying to... can't... stop.. ah screw it. Diarrhea song commence!

When you are walking down the hall and feel something fall...
Diarrhea... Diarrhea...

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#641187 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 10:03

lol, you never heard that song as a kid?

perdix | 29

#641311 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 13:39

Some people think it's funny, but it's really hot and runny . . . diarrhea, diarrhea.

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#641328 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 13:52

♪ When you’re looking at your shoes and you feel something ooze:
Diarrhea! Diarrhea! ♪

blastvortex | 3

#641369 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 14:28

♪ When it comes out of your bum, like a bullet from a gun - Diarrhea! Diarrhea!♪

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#641390 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 14:56

♪ When you’re shopping at the store and it’s dripping on the floor:

Diarrhea! Diarrhea! ♪

cucumberfabulous | 7

#642213 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:21

When you're climbin up the ladder, and you feel somethin splatter..
Diarrhea Diarrhea

..........???yea???? yea?? mmm..

greenltrn2003 | 0

#642647 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 9:47

If you're trynna walk around and you slip on something brown...

portable_chicken | 0

#655575 - Thursday 5 November 2009 5:29

When your going down the slide and you feel something glide..
diarrhea...diarrhea

By thatoneguyinca | 0

#641190 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 10:14

Yuck. Your a woman, your meant to be perfect and not gross. I guess that kinda shit happens when you leave the kitchen

Bright_Lights | 14

#641205 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 10:35

Fucking sexist prick.

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#641196 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 10:18

I warned you to go easy on the chili, hon.

By mrblah | 0

#641211 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 10:52

thats really bad. I can understand why they sent the email around but its still really tick