Kids: Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out... - FML

By kayadd33 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

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kayadd33 tells us more :

She's 13 and perfectly normal in every other way...

Taking stock

Legalize it!

Unrequited lover

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

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By Picaresque - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

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By lindsaykay - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

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By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By KereKris

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

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By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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By vballqt201 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

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By lagirl - United States

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

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By losingit - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

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By Jules - 12/1/2021 23:07

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML

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By thetallone - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

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By Heyhey - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

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By "The Cat Tickler"

Today, I took a flight from Seattle to Oregon but missed my flight back home to California because the flight attendant came in late and delayed our flight take off time. Then I was told the only way to get California was to go back to Seattle and fly to California from there. FML

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By crap - Thailand

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

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By hoboman - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

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By Username - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

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By WeldedShut

Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

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By HotelNA614 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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By all tweened out - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

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By sydysyd - United States

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

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By srhoa01

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

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By oh lord - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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By Ismellbacon - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

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By Astounding competence - 3/11/2020 23:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

People are people

Today, my country is going back into a full national lockdown after the government swore they wouldn't do another one. We desperately need to stop the spread, but with so many U-turns and broken rules from the government, no one is going to listen. FML

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By a4rk - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML

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By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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By maggierose171 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Vicious bastards

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Staycation time

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

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By Fmycatslife - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By baddaddy

Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML

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By jennythezebra - United Kingdom - Thornton Heath

Today, a customer told me, "Girls your size can't bend at the waist." I couldn't stop laughing at the imagery long enough to be really offended. FML

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By KMAC - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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By absense - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#4285507 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:04

1. Write down what she says.
2. Dress in sandals and robes.
3. Go to a crowded place like a mall.
4. Read your daughter's writings to the crowd.
5. ?????
6. Prophet.

By Sparks808 | 10

#4285550 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:15

"Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer."
Congrats, mom!!

COMMENTS

By That_Sucks1997 | 6

#4285438 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:57

Sounds pretty cute if you ask me!

Reply

betticonfetti | 7

#4285460 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:58

That depends on how old op's daughter is...

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muzy | 23

#4285785 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:15

as long as the mum makes sure that she brings balance to the force abduction not leave it in darkness.

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285794 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:17

edit: and. I hate predictive texts -.-

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4288090 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 5:21

Tell her to put her money where her mouth is and stop agent smith from taking over the matrix.

Reply

primadonna9396 | 16

#4291323 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 23:58

Yeah, it's adorable until she starts hoarding her own urine in jars and stabbing strangers because God told her to. Luckily atypical antipsychotics are pretty effective nowadays.

By slick5880 | 22

#4285442 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:57

There can be only one!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4285720 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:00

Cool terminator tattoo. That is all.

Reply

Heinousness | 0

#4285999 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:16

..winner of the 74th Hunger Games...

Reply

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4286276 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:36

Love the Highlander reference. Too bad OP's not from Scotland.

Reply

Master0Camox | 4

#4287551 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:44

And black?

Reply

footballpro22 | 2

#4288479 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:05

Kung pow! Fists of fury!

By amrik | 11

#4285455 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:58

She Will not kill he-who-must-not-be-named

Reply

Wicked361 | 8

#4285768 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:12

Voldemort!!!! I said it!!!

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285849 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:29

50- I'd sleep with one eye open tonight if i was you.

Reply

mondayna | 3

#4289706 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 17:18

I laugh at your effort to be funny ^

Reply

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4342789 - Monday 23 April 2012 7:54

OMG! I kinda read that in a cyborg sorta voice for some reason. Lol.

Reply

doctor__who | 19

#6120866 - Monday 17 November 2014 16:19

Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

By RabidBunny | 10

#4285464 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:59

Chosen for what? That is the true question. :D

Reply

lavitaebella_fml | 0

#4285494 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:03

To help restore my country's economy (America)

Woohoo!

Reply

emeraldisle | 30

#4285532 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:10

Restore my country too!

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4285923 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:44

Restore every country's economy!

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#4285954 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:56

For the next introduction in the psych clinic.

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#4286036 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:26

To be top whore

Reply

skitzofunia88 | 8

#4286717 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 0:42

Whoreoff!!!

Reply

typark123 | 7

#4287060 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 1:47

Hahaha that's cold :P

Reply

3kmtg | 7

#4288390 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 7:21

To be John Conner and stop sky net and the machines

Reply

C94_ | 0

#4292022 - Thursday 12 April 2012 2:03

Well I would post an answer but it would be too true and wrong at the same time

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4285468 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:59

It is truly an honor

By Boston_4_Life | 3

#4285478 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

Maybe she is

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4285994 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:12

Is OP's daughter Lebron?

Reply

dethbunny | 0

#4287690 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 4:13

Oh, there is so much wrong with that comment.

Reply

allard | 14

#4289491 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 16:14

I give you points for trying..

By emeraldisle | 30

#4285479 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

Hope she's ready for all that responsibility!

By pimpcracker | 8

#4285483 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

tell her she has been chosen... for a nice comfy bed with straps and padded walls

Reply

klimp | 0

#4286002 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:19

Put on a shirt

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#4286032 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:25

89 - he is wearing a shirt, but obviously he doesn't know how to wear it right lol

Reply

Genoc123 | 5

#4286098 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:45

I just wrote that to dip s#%t on another post lol get a shirt tough guy

Reply

sinking_fish | 12

#4286138 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:02

Tools of FML, UNITE!!!

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4286148 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:08

what an obnoxious photo

Reply

Michele2luv | 8

#4286183 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:24

I have no problem with his photo . . .

Reply

gooberz69 | 0

#4286346 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:49

Haha pwnd

Reply

kaylie007 | 0

#4286515 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:36

I agree....and i like ur shirt off ;)

Reply

ilovepillows | 0

#4286533 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:43

i agree, likin' the shirt off(;

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4286558 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:52

126 - By the look of your profile picture, you have a boyfriend. I think looking at other guy's bodies is a bit unfaithful?

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4286578 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:56

let's all try to hit on someone over fml! :D

Reply

lilny5613 | 10

#4287748 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 4:21

Ha ha. You win, my friend

By nunubug3000 | 0

#4285497 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:03

Aaaa cute!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4285502 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:04

Tell her you're the chosen one from hell. Reaction = priceless