Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out... - FML

By kayadd33 - 10/4/2012 14:13 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

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kayadd33 tells us more :

She's 13 and perfectly normal in every other way...

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Not a cheating!

Buzzing the tower

By anon - 27/7/2011 00:01 - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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By toobad - 29/11/2011 19:29 - Canada

Today, it's cold and rainy. I would like nothing more than to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie with the woman I love; the same woman who cheated on me and took the TV with her when she left. FML

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By Sneezy123 - 6/10/2009 02:21 - United States

Today, I retook my ACT. I have been fighting a cold all week and have been very sneezy lately. Midway through the test, I got the urge to sneeze. Since it was very quiet and I didn't want to disturb the peace, I tried to hold my sneeze in. I ended up letting out a huge fart instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

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By ihatekids - 14/7/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

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By Tank - 16/7/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

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By sourgirl101 - 25/3/2020 02:00

Is he the guy from the earlier FML??

Today, my husband's number was mistakenly added to a group chat of my co-workers dealing with COVID-19. Despite my asking him to stop, he keeps sending corny memes that has offended most of them. FML

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By anonymous - 3/5/2020 05:00

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - 11/8/2012 23:47 - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, I ordered takeout. When I looked in the bag, I saw they'd included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, then estimated that there must be at least four people eating such a large meal. I was eating alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2015 04:20 - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

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By Chard of Glass - 4/10/2016 12:45 - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 19:45 - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - 6/3/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By Fmyapp - 2/12/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 19:25 - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML

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By Yellowsmellow - 22/9/2016 17:57 - Canada - Windsor

Today, and for the past two weeks, the people living directly above me have decided to add rearranging their furniture to their daily routines. Not only that but apparently, 6 a.m. is the most optimal time for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

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By icanthearyou - 4/4/2013 23:55 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

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By evil Santa - 25/12/2014 03:48 - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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By parentalissues - 15/2/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By Oze - 18/2/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

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By youngboob - 21/10/2014 15:42 - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

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By Bandgeek - 16/3/2017 20:00

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

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By oheyimsarahh - 16/2/2011 15:30 - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

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By Bunsostriker - 2/4/2015 18:47 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - 11/3/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By dukebluedevils13 - 5/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

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By sickened - 25/8/2009 14:17 - Philippines

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

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By cullenthegreat - 25/8/2016 16:26 - United States - Villanova

Today, on my second morning at college, I tried to make coffee using my Keurig. I realized after I got back from my shower that I hadn't put a cup under the machine. All 3 drawers of my dresser are now filled with coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

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By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

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By Hot Pants - 1/12/2011 17:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

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By jmove - 7/8/2019 06:00 - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By millavitsa - 3/1/2013 22:36 - Ukraine

Today, my mom asked me why MS Word keeps underlining some words. After I tried to convince her that you're supposed to put a space after commas, she started yelling at me for making her look stupid. I can never win. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01

Delusional

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2013 07:02 - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

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By BloodyNoseMcgee - 11/10/2018 15:30

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#4285507 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:04

1. Write down what she says.
2. Dress in sandals and robes.
3. Go to a crowded place like a mall.
4. Read your daughter's writings to the crowd.
5. ?????
6. Prophet.

By Sparks808 | 10

#4285550 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:15

"Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer."
Congrats, mom!!

COMMENTS

By That_Sucks1997 | 6

#4285438 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:57

Sounds pretty cute if you ask me!

Reply

betticonfetti | 7

#4285460 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:58

That depends on how old op's daughter is...

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285785 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:15

as long as the mum makes sure that she brings balance to the force abduction not leave it in darkness.

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285794 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:17

edit: and. I hate predictive texts -.-

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4288090 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 5:21

Tell her to put her money where her mouth is and stop agent smith from taking over the matrix.

Reply

primadonna9396 | 16

#4291323 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 23:58

Yeah, it's adorable until she starts hoarding her own urine in jars and stabbing strangers because God told her to. Luckily atypical antipsychotics are pretty effective nowadays.

By slick5880 | 22

#4285442 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:57

There can be only one!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4285720 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:00

Cool terminator tattoo. That is all.

Reply

Heinousness | 0

#4285999 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:16

..winner of the 74th Hunger Games...

Reply

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4286276 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:36

Love the Highlander reference. Too bad OP's not from Scotland.

Reply

Master0Camox | 4

#4287551 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:44

And black?

Reply

footballpro22 | 2

#4288479 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:05

Kung pow! Fists of fury!

By amrik | 11

#4285455 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:58

She Will not kill he-who-must-not-be-named

Reply

Wicked361 | 8

#4285768 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:12

Voldemort!!!! I said it!!!

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285849 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:29

50- I'd sleep with one eye open tonight if i was you.

Reply

mondayna | 3

#4289706 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 17:18

I laugh at your effort to be funny ^

Reply

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4342789 - Monday 23 April 2012 7:54

OMG! I kinda read that in a cyborg sorta voice for some reason. Lol.

Reply

doctor__who | 19

#6120866 - Monday 17 November 2014 16:19

Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

By RabidBunny | 10

#4285464 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:59

Chosen for what? That is the true question. :D

Reply

lavitaebella_fml | 0

#4285494 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:03

To help restore my country's economy (America)

Woohoo!

Reply

emeraldisle | 30

#4285532 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:10

Restore my country too!

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4285923 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:44

Restore every country's economy!

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#4285954 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:56

For the next introduction in the psych clinic.

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#4286036 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:26

To be top whore

Reply

skitzofunia88 | 8

#4286717 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 0:42

Whoreoff!!!

Reply

typark123 | 7

#4287060 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 1:47

Hahaha that's cold :P

Reply

3kmtg | 7

#4288390 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 7:21

To be John Conner and stop sky net and the machines

Reply

C94_ | 0

#4292022 - Thursday 12 April 2012 2:03

Well I would post an answer but it would be too true and wrong at the same time

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4285468 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:59

It is truly an honor

By Boston_4_Life | 3

#4285478 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

Maybe she is

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4285994 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:12

Is OP's daughter Lebron?

Reply

dethbunny | 0

#4287690 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 4:13

Oh, there is so much wrong with that comment.

Reply

allard | 14

#4289491 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 16:14

I give you points for trying..

By emeraldisle | 30

#4285479 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

Hope she's ready for all that responsibility!

By pimpcracker | 8

#4285483 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

tell her she has been chosen... for a nice comfy bed with straps and padded walls

Reply

klimp | 0

#4286002 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:19

Put on a shirt

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#4286032 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:25

89 - he is wearing a shirt, but obviously he doesn't know how to wear it right lol

Reply

Genoc123 | 5

#4286098 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:45

I just wrote that to dip s#%t on another post lol get a shirt tough guy

Reply

sinking_fish | 12

#4286138 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:02

Tools of FML, UNITE!!!

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4286148 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:08

what an obnoxious photo

Reply

Michele2luv | 8

#4286183 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:24

I have no problem with his photo . . .

Reply

gooberz69 | 0

#4286346 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:49

Haha pwnd

Reply

kaylie007 | 0

#4286515 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:36

I agree....and i like ur shirt off ;)

Reply

ilovepillows | 0

#4286533 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:43

i agree, likin' the shirt off(;

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4286558 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:52

126 - By the look of your profile picture, you have a boyfriend. I think looking at other guy's bodies is a bit unfaithful?

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4286578 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:56

let's all try to hit on someone over fml! :D

Reply

lilny5613 | 10

#4287748 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 4:21

Ha ha. You win, my friend

By nunubug3000 | 0

#4285497 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:03

Aaaa cute!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4285502 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:04

Tell her you're the chosen one from hell. Reaction = priceless