Kids: Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out... - FML

By kayadd33 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

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kayadd33 tells us more :

She's 13 and perfectly normal in every other way...

Lockdown is driving us down

Recycling helps

TMI

By Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople - United States - Houston

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

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By meyo555 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

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By rochellamaya - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By nopanties - United States - Durham

Felt cute, might delete later

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

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By benji - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

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By happybirthday - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By college estudiata

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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By Unwelcome - 29/11/2020 11:02

Be better, people

Today, I went to my fiancé’s family’s house for dinner. They put pork and/or alcohol in EVERY. SINGLE. DISH. Including putting bacon grease in the desserts. They know I’m Muslim and his mom insisted I was being rude for only drinking water. We ended up leaving with me in tears. FML

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By -_- - United States

Today, my wife told my 7-year-old son that he looks just like me. He began crying and said, "I don't want to be ugly like him." FML

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By brigie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of two and a half years left me. To clear my head I decided to go for a drive. My car broke down on the way. The only mechanic I have ever used and trusted with my car is my boyfriend. Yes, I had to call him. FML

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By #isthisthepoundkey? - United States - Deltona

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

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By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

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By jada - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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By Cookie - South Africa

Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my best friend's wife telling their kids to pay attention in school and stay focused on their goals so they don't end up a failure in life like their father's friend, Matt. Hi, my name is Matt and I'm the friend. FML

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By candy - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?" He responded that no, he'd just purchased larger pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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By Backinzi - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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By EarScentedCandle - United States - Philadelphia

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML

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By GildedByVices - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

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By Bug - Canada - Ajax

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I called my mom for help. When she came over, she said I looked like a dead bug, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. FML

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By SLAB_GIRL15 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML

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By

I am sorry

Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

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By Samuel - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By I warned him - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

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By 1suckatL1fe - United States

Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May the Fourth be with you!!" I forgot to uncheck my ex-girlfriend's number. She texted back, "One of the many reasons I broke up with you." FML

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By moe - United States

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

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By sleepless

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

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By Uh_Oh_Bro - United States - Annandale

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By Hungry

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By gmanbuilder - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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By jellybean_94 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#4285507 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:04

1. Write down what she says.
2. Dress in sandals and robes.
3. Go to a crowded place like a mall.
4. Read your daughter's writings to the crowd.
5. ?????
6. Prophet.

By Sparks808 | 10

#4285550 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:15

"Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer."
Congrats, mom!!

COMMENTS

By That_Sucks1997 | 6

#4285438 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:57

Sounds pretty cute if you ask me!

Reply

betticonfetti | 7

#4285460 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:58

That depends on how old op's daughter is...

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285785 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:15

as long as the mum makes sure that she brings balance to the force abduction not leave it in darkness.

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285794 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:17

edit: and. I hate predictive texts -.-

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4288090 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 5:21

Tell her to put her money where her mouth is and stop agent smith from taking over the matrix.

Reply

primadonna9396 | 16

#4291323 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 23:58

Yeah, it's adorable until she starts hoarding her own urine in jars and stabbing strangers because God told her to. Luckily atypical antipsychotics are pretty effective nowadays.

By slick5880 | 22

#4285442 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:57

There can be only one!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4285720 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:00

Cool terminator tattoo. That is all.

Reply

Heinousness | 0

#4285999 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:16

..winner of the 74th Hunger Games...

Reply

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4286276 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:36

Love the Highlander reference. Too bad OP's not from Scotland.

Reply

Master0Camox | 4

#4287551 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:44

And black?

Reply

footballpro22 | 2

#4288479 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 8:05

Kung pow! Fists of fury!

By amrik | 11

#4285455 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:58

She Will not kill he-who-must-not-be-named

Reply

Wicked361 | 8

#4285768 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:12

Voldemort!!!! I said it!!!

Reply

muzy | 23

#4285849 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:29

50- I'd sleep with one eye open tonight if i was you.

Reply

mondayna | 3

#4289706 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 17:18

I laugh at your effort to be funny ^

Reply

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4342789 - Monday 23 April 2012 7:54

OMG! I kinda read that in a cyborg sorta voice for some reason. Lol.

Reply

doctor__who | 19

#6120866 - Monday 17 November 2014 16:19

Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

By RabidBunny | 10

#4285464 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:59

Chosen for what? That is the true question. :D

Reply

lavitaebella_fml | 0

#4285494 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:03

To help restore my country's economy (America)

Woohoo!

Reply

emeraldisle | 30

#4285532 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:10

Restore my country too!

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4285923 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:44

Restore every country's economy!

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#4285954 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:56

For the next introduction in the psych clinic.

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#4286036 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:26

To be top whore

Reply

skitzofunia88 | 8

#4286717 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 0:42

Whoreoff!!!

Reply

typark123 | 7

#4287060 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 1:47

Hahaha that's cold :P

Reply

3kmtg | 7

#4288390 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 7:21

To be John Conner and stop sky net and the machines

Reply

C94_ | 0

#4292022 - Thursday 12 April 2012 2:03

Well I would post an answer but it would be too true and wrong at the same time

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4285468 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 18:59

It is truly an honor

By Boston_4_Life | 3

#4285478 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

Maybe she is

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4285994 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:12

Is OP's daughter Lebron?

Reply

dethbunny | 0

#4287690 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 4:13

Oh, there is so much wrong with that comment.

Reply

allard | 14

#4289491 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 16:14

I give you points for trying..

By emeraldisle | 30

#4285479 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

Hope she's ready for all that responsibility!

By pimpcracker | 8

#4285483 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:01

tell her she has been chosen... for a nice comfy bed with straps and padded walls

Reply

klimp | 0

#4286002 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:19

Put on a shirt

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#4286032 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:25

89 - he is wearing a shirt, but obviously he doesn't know how to wear it right lol

Reply

Genoc123 | 5

#4286098 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 21:45

I just wrote that to dip s#%t on another post lol get a shirt tough guy

Reply

sinking_fish | 12

#4286138 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:02

Tools of FML, UNITE!!!

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4286148 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:08

what an obnoxious photo

Reply

Michele2luv | 8

#4286183 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:24

I have no problem with his photo . . .

Reply

gooberz69 | 0

#4286346 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:49

Haha pwnd

Reply

kaylie007 | 0

#4286515 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:36

I agree....and i like ur shirt off ;)

Reply

ilovepillows | 0

#4286533 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:43

i agree, likin' the shirt off(;

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4286558 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:52

126 - By the look of your profile picture, you have a boyfriend. I think looking at other guy's bodies is a bit unfaithful?

Reply

emba_fml | 13

#4286578 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:56

let's all try to hit on someone over fml! :D

Reply

lilny5613 | 10

#4287748 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 4:21

Ha ha. You win, my friend

By nunubug3000 | 0

#4285497 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:03

Aaaa cute!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4285502 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 19:04

Tell her you're the chosen one from hell. Reaction = priceless