Love: Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly...

By Desperate_measures - 16/01/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 033

You deserved it 14 691

Love

Leave us alone

Own it

Top brass

Go to drunk, you're sleep

By Anonymous - 21/10/2021 16:00 - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend, who was half asleep at 3 am, saying he was yelling my name because he needed toilet paper. We don’t even live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 84

By fml - 03/03/2019 22:00 - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 3 022

By Sun_Kissed18 - 09/07/2014 07:26 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 408

You deserved it 4 191

By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/08/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 700

You deserved it 1 179

By "mbrider" - 12/08/2017 16:00

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 787

You deserved it 256

Like what you see?

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 08:08

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 1 444

By Anonymous - 18/08/2018 03:30

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 955

You deserved it 638

By sparky83000 - 29/10/2015 20:51 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 088

You deserved it 1 436

By grrrrrr - 19/02/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 565

You deserved it 5 037

By danman - 14/04/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 605

You deserved it 4 230

By biscuit - 07/01/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 375

You deserved it 25 763

By RotoRooter - 17/04/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 328

You deserved it 12 587

By Lonesome - 01/01/2014 06:41 - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 348

You deserved it 13 048

By Anonymous - 20/03/2014 20:23 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 827

You deserved it 3 442

By OhBoy - 05/08/2013 19:10 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 034

You deserved it 5 244

By toxic waste - 12/02/2013 04:18 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 044

You deserved it 7 242

By goblue - 21/12/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 391

You deserved it 3 154

By JPlays - 13/09/2016 03:31 - United States - Henderson

Today, after days of working with a client on plans for a project, I received a message half way through completion saying the deal was off because "my prices were so low it seemed like a scam". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 479

You deserved it 946

By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - 20/07/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 849

You deserved it 76 848

Small comforts

By Anonymous - 22/03/2020 22:36

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend admitted to having an affair. To comfort me, he said, "But you have bigger boobs, so you have nothing to worry about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 545

You deserved it 166

By fartje - 25/01/2015 18:21 - Netherlands

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 571

You deserved it 2 444

By TingBarter - 09/07/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 751

You deserved it 9 522

By screw the cat - 24/07/2012 05:10 - United States - South Jordan

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 084

You deserved it 23 815

By Edgarillo - 14/02/2013 07:59 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 431

You deserved it 8 830

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 14:15 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 6 147

By extrashiftwhoo - 04/11/2016 13:59 - Australia - Preston

Today, I really didn't want to go to work. Still, I showed up for work early on the busiest night of the week and stayed back until past 10 p.m. Exhausted, I went to sign off the roster when I realised that, in fact, I was not rostered on for today at all. I'm on tomorrow, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 815

You deserved it 3 504

By Anonymous - 29/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 790

You deserved it 1 084

By BoohooBouquet - 19/03/2017 14:00

Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 628

You deserved it 459

By JimmyT - 03/03/2013 22:21 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 498

You deserved it 14 231

By newdriver - 11/05/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 375

You deserved it 5 599

By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 398

You deserved it 33 758

By WesJaz - 08/01/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 443

You deserved it 4 440

By theman - 21/05/2009 20:49

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 411

You deserved it 6 841

By anon - 26/07/2010 00:07 - Canada

Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 691

You deserved it 3 509

By PlzSendBlankets - 27/06/2016 02:00 - United States

Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 739

You deserved it 941

By Anonymous - 23/03/2014 04:05 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 306

You deserved it 5 097

Keep it clean

By germy germs - 01/07/2021 19:01 - United States

Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 206

By ocdistheworst - 26/08/2013 20:05 - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 570

You deserved it 3 870

By walkingdead_1029 - 06/05/2013 06:49 - United States - Peoria

Today, the girl that I've been madly in love with was demanding I tell her who I liked. I told her no, I should just keep it a secret, but she demanded I tell her. After I told her, the only response I got was, "You're right. You should have kept that a secret." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 710

You deserved it 6 444

Douchebag Alert!

By amy - 02/04/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 597

You deserved it 277

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