Love: Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

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Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

This is us

Honesty is the best policy

By sig

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

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By faulty number - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

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By daddy'sgirl - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University

Today, I went to take a shower, but forgot my towel and dorm key in the room. After my shower, I had to run down to the front desk butt-naked, using only a shampoo bottle as cover, and ask for a temporary key. The person running the front desk was my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. FML

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By 2broke4ajoke

Today, after starting my new career as a server, two women were kind enough to leave a $5 tip... while still owing $6.84 on their bill. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my 5-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher to write a letter to each member of her family to read during the holidays. Her letter to me said, "Dear mommy, come on. You could have done better than dad." FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

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By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

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By Loser - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

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By FML1994 - United States

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

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By funyfunkid - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

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By Unwelcome - 29/11/2020 11:02

Be better, people

Today, I went to my fiancé’s family’s house for dinner. They put pork and/or alcohol in EVERY. SINGLE. DISH. Including putting bacon grease in the desserts. They know I’m Muslim and his mom insisted I was being rude for only drinking water. We ended up leaving with me in tears. FML

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By im_radd - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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By moneymoneymoney - United States - Tampa

Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

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By goatvideosarelame - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By duuuuude - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By fckdsamaritan - Tunisia

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

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By WHOO HOO AIDS - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine. FML

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By anon

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

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By roadkill0321 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By WhoDoYouLove6208 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

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By irony, huh?

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

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By tampondealer - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

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By Shit - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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By ItsFunnyNow - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By nutsucker - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

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By laydeegaga

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woburn

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

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Top comments

By yewzd | 0

#1705209 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:53

Why the hell he's ranking people? I would keep the rankings to myself..

By KennKenn | 0

#1705225 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:54

He's obviously a douche. Don't listen to him

COMMENTS

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#1705173 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:50

drop your pants

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1705371 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:11

lift your top

KittehSayzRAWR | 0

#1705440 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:21

Open your flaps.... hehe

wisericky | 12

#1705763 - Monday 15 November 2010 17:43

stop talking so much

Bisoye | 0

#1705823 - Monday 15 November 2010 18:07

Looool!!
Xactly Lmao!

IcyJack | 7

#1705927 - Monday 15 November 2010 19:09

Put down your landing gear. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

MasterOfTheXP | 2

#1706215 - Monday 15 November 2010 20:34

"I got a ring in 'ere last night!"

zoraman5 | 3

#1706309 - Monday 15 November 2010 21:06

36 vent harrassment?

notsoluckypup | 12

#1706740 - Monday 15 November 2010 23:40

I have no clue...I think swallowing is nasty personally....

Ben360 | 6

#1708422 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 7:06

well then don't be such a bitch

By evanizle | 0

#1705182 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:51

lol. for dating, personality is important. maybe you'd be first in order of who he'd want to hook up with

Bees_fml | 0

#1705691 - Monday 15 November 2010 17:16

So either she's an attractive girl with an ugly personality or an ugly girl with an attractive personality. I'm curious which one; the FML doesn't say.

H3ALTHFR3AK | 0

#1709982 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:21

only beauty matters when it comes to women so 6th was probably last place.

bees, seemed pretty clear the guy indirectly called her monstrous cow

By yewzd | 0

#1705209 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:53

Why the hell he's ranking people? I would keep the rankings to myself..

hellokat1 | 0

#1708371 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 6:47

He probably thinks he's hot shit or something.

GreatGeak | 8

#1719124 - Thursday 18 November 2010 15:17

omg coolest profile pic ever!
I love Harley Quinn.

By KennKenn | 0

#1705225 - Monday 15 November 2010 15:54

He's obviously a douche. Don't listen to him

SARSvirus79 | 0

#1705301 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:03

Agreed.

By SARSvirus79 | 0

#1705341 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:07

Well, how many girls do you work with?

valalvax | 13

#1705735 - Monday 15 November 2010 17:32

only three, there are two guys ranked above her

TexanDanny | 2

#1706423 - Monday 15 November 2010 22:00

LOL

By antoinemartinez | 0

#1705411 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:17

stop being such a bitch

541MedfazWcM | 0

#1708500 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 7:34

Deadmau5 lol ^^ this is sick

By DjeePee | 24

#1705463 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:27

Well... he is right.

By UnicornsDoExist | 0

#1705465 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:27

I wouldn't want to be first if he's gonna be like that.

nkor1337 | 1

#1708543 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 7:48

don't worry, you wouldn't be first on anybodys list.

Taylo12237 | 5

#3149487 - Sunday 21 August 2011 1:44

Dick^

By Alleged_Cranium | 7

#1705467 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:28

That remind me of the old joke:

Q: What's better than a 10?

A: A 6 that swallows!

With the advice of this joke, you might move your way up the list.

jbsington | 8

#1706637 - Monday 15 November 2010 23:15

why do guys WANT the girl to swallow? please tell me, I'm dying to know, what's so undeniably sexy about a girl ingesting your bodily fluids?

By Snarky50 | 0

#1705524 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:36

Did you tell him he's last on your list, for the same reason?