Intimacy: Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting... - FML

By Humiliated - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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Dangling modifier

And today, on Dr Phil…

Breaking Badly

By uterus why

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By Aphrodite - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

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By dog got ur phone

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

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By larry_richard - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML

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By Mimo - Egypt

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saginaw

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

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By wolfwolfy - Canada

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

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By Electronotfriend - Poland

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I pulled an all-nighter to finish rereading my set work for my English exam. I managed to finish earlier than expected and decided to get some sleep. I then promptly slept through my alarm and missed my exam. FML

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By SensitiveTech

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Sorry

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

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By Fatnlonely

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

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By alicia - Canada - Montreal

Wanker

Today, I had to explain to my fiancé that having me watch him jerk off over a porno is not in fact considered foreplay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

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By Junior - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

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By ElevatorThug - Singapore

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

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By Justmyluck

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By CheatedOn - Romania

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By Deadman - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

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By PISSED - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, "stop talking to that whore." FML

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By Asirual - United States

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

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By curiousorange - United Kingdom

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

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By fatflabbyfail - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML

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By skippydoda

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML

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By squeltorey - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

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By nikaea - United States - Everett

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

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By LennyLemon - Australia - Perth

Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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Top comments

By blahblahblksheep | 0

#562917 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:46

do you shave yourself with a F*cking straightblade?

By chowyuk | 0

#562846 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:20

That is the ultimate fear when it comes to trimming

COMMENTS

By jeepster7874 | 0

#562806 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:09

dude that sucks

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#574659 - Saturday 19 September 2009 21:42

Fake.

Reply

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1111744 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:47

you must have a disorder when you sneeze and pelvis thrust to cut your self down there

Reply

farsidee | 0

#1179690 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 5:39

ahahahahahahahah wow what an idiot^

By chowyuk | 0

#562846 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:20

That is the ultimate fear when it comes to trimming

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1045892 - Sunday 27 June 2010 9:32

atleast it's not a guy *phew* cuz if it were his balls  even I'D be crying

Reply

Turfin | 0

#1112222 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:40

hard to imagine similar to BME PAIN OLYMPICS?

Reply

WTF_WantToFly | 0

#1131666 - Saturday 24 July 2010 4:44

What was she shaving with a Swiss army knife?

By PimpinPenguin | 0

#562855 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:22

First!
Wouldnt you kind of know it was about to happen beforehand?

Reply

arienh4 | 0

#562861 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:23

First to fail. Woohoo.

Reply

ilyrwr | 0

#1223311 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 18:30

lawl^

By asnider | 0

#562897 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:39

Damn, that's rough. But, wouldn't you have felt the sneeze coming ahead of time and move the razor away from your crotch?

By blahblahblksheep | 0

#562917 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:46

do you shave yourself with a F*cking straightblade?

Reply

blinkingstarlet | 15

#564371 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 10:12

haha good call

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#970949 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 7:14

#6 ya i no right?

Reply

jessicawuvsya | 0

#4590989 - Wednesday 20 June 2012 16:21

Turn it side ways dumb ass

By DeMoCraCy | 0

#562960 - Monday 14 September 2009 21:03

Guess he learn't it the hard way.

Reply

garble0218 | 0

#2302225 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:46

learned**

Reply

MJHood | 3

#2610956 - Friday 3 June 2011 7:13

she*

Reply

karalayo | 4

#4680232 - Thursday 12 July 2012 21:11

****SHE****

By sch1ll | 0

#563054 - Monday 14 September 2009 21:47

OUCH!!!! hahah fyl!

By PimpinPenguin | 0

#563178 - Monday 14 September 2009 22:49

Wow it definetly showed me as first comment before
That sucks you cant yave sex for a while now :(

By xXxFML | 0

#563195 - Monday 14 September 2009 22:56

that sucks

By Dopeyrox | 0

#563204 - Monday 14 September 2009 23:00

Ouch that seems really embarresing fyl indeed