Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting... - FML

By Humiliated - 14/9/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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Proactive

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Gratitude walks

By he is going to hell - 18/9/2012 21:46 - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - 14/3/2016 04:32 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By bad luck? - 19/1/2012 05:44 - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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By anonymous - 17/3/2015 05:09 - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

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By anonymous - 5/1/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 15:18 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

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By josh - 19/9/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I found out that I had my first born child. It's a boy. I found out on facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By look before you speak - 9/2/2014 07:12 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

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By Grant - 11/1/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By CBBP - 31/3/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

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By jon - 31/8/2012 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2017 15:00

Today, my husband accused me of cheating on him and demanded to look through my phone. When he found nothing, he admitted to having his first gay experience this weekend and just wanting something to “even the field” before telling me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2017 01:30

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

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By ShakenNotStirred - 11/11/2013 08:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

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By whitedevil - 9/10/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML

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By obnum - 18/4/2013 14:37 - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

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By Thesuz - 6/9/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

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By embarassed - 14/1/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By No.Life. - 14/7/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By chinousmc - 6/12/2012 11:30 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By swag papi - 22/1/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

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By scooterbyrd - 6/11/2016 06:08

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

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By Username - 5/8/2011 14:05 - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

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By Dad41 - 21/6/2019 12:00

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By Quiteannoyed - 9/3/2013 10:35 - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anon - 7/11/2009 00:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 07:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

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By Tim - 7/8/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:22 - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

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By mr_p - 1/11/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300 pound man walked out, shook his head, and said "I'm sorry" to me. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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By apparentlyawomanbeater - 20/4/2012 21:48 - Switzerland - Cadempino

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

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By CatWoman - 11/2/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

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By trying2breathe - 22/11/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

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Top comments

By blahblahblksheep | 0

#562917 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:46

do you shave yourself with a F*cking straightblade?

By chowyuk | 0

#562846 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:20

That is the ultimate fear when it comes to trimming

COMMENTS

By jeepster7874 | 0

#562806 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:09

dude that sucks

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#574659 - Saturday 19 September 2009 21:42

Fake.

Reply

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1111744 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:47

you must have a disorder when you sneeze and pelvis thrust to cut your self down there

Reply

farsidee | 0

#1179690 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 5:39

ahahahahahahahah wow what an idiot^

By chowyuk | 0

#562846 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:20

That is the ultimate fear when it comes to trimming

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1045892 - Sunday 27 June 2010 9:32

atleast it's not a guy *phew* cuz if it were his balls  even I'D be crying

Reply

Turfin | 0

#1112222 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:40

hard to imagine similar to BME PAIN OLYMPICS?

Reply

WTF_WantToFly | 0

#1131666 - Saturday 24 July 2010 4:44

What was she shaving with a Swiss army knife?

By PimpinPenguin | 0

#562855 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:22

First!
Wouldnt you kind of know it was about to happen beforehand?

Reply

arienh4 | 0

#562861 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:23

First to fail. Woohoo.

Reply

ilyrwr | 0

#1223311 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 18:30

lawl^

By asnider | 0

#562897 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:39

Damn, that's rough. But, wouldn't you have felt the sneeze coming ahead of time and move the razor away from your crotch?

By blahblahblksheep | 0

#562917 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:46

do you shave yourself with a F*cking straightblade?

Reply

blinkingstarlet | 15

#564371 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 10:12

haha good call

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#970949 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 7:14

#6 ya i no right?

Reply

jessicawuvsya | 0

#4590989 - Wednesday 20 June 2012 16:21

Turn it side ways dumb ass

By DeMoCraCy | 0

#562960 - Monday 14 September 2009 21:03

Guess he learn't it the hard way.

Reply

garble0218 | 0

#2302225 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:46

learned**

Reply

MJHood | 3

#2610956 - Friday 3 June 2011 7:13

she*

Reply

karalayo | 4

#4680232 - Thursday 12 July 2012 21:11

****SHE****

By sch1ll | 0

#563054 - Monday 14 September 2009 21:47

OUCH!!!! hahah fyl!

By PimpinPenguin | 0

#563178 - Monday 14 September 2009 22:49

Wow it definetly showed me as first comment before
That sucks you cant yave sex for a while now :(

By xXxFML | 0

#563195 - Monday 14 September 2009 22:56

that sucks

By Dopeyrox | 0

#563204 - Monday 14 September 2009 23:00

Ouch that seems really embarresing fyl indeed