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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 14/09/2011 18:21 - United States

Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 705

You deserved it 5 960

By animelover - 25/07/2010 23:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn't stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,"If you don't stay in bed, the monster will eat you!" I now have to wash my brother's bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 705

You deserved it 10 832

By Anonymous - 11/07/2015 05:03 - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 704

You deserved it 18 080

Reached your limit

By kat - 31/10/2012 11:30 - United States - Ocala

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow barmaid asked how are we supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 703

You deserved it 2 293

By Travolta - 14/08/2011 04:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares, and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 701

You deserved it 5 200

Let it out

By MrTandy - 16/09/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 700

You deserved it 3 715

By Anonymous - 07/01/2012 14:07 - Canada

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating 'morning sickness' all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 699

You deserved it 4 983

Game on

By sasquatch21 - 21/02/2010 13:36 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 5 934

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 697

You deserved it 4 708

Are you kidding me?

By bingalingading - 03/01/2015 01:46 - United States - Owosso

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 697

You deserved it 2 502

By concom - 27/05/2015 19:40 - Cyprus

Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 697

You deserved it 2 113

By Anonymous - 05/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 695

You deserved it 5 357

Rip it up

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - South Africa

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 695

You deserved it 11 056

By roachblend - 12/09/2010 08:00 - Taiwan

Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 695

You deserved it 4 150

Slurs a gogo

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 690

You deserved it 1 937

Caught

By Anonymous - 14/08/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 690

You deserved it 1 949

By Humbug - 27/12/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 688

You deserved it 3 715

Smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when a little old lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 685

You deserved it 2 586

By Anonymous - 25/02/2012 05:21 - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 685

You deserved it 4 242

By grrr1234 - 01/07/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 685

You deserved it 6 314

Hormonal

By LNamesOnly - 09/07/2012 07:31 - Australia

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 684

You deserved it 4 197

By hallofail - 01/11/2012 00:40 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I dressed up like a pirate, dressed my dog as a parrot and bought $30 worth of candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I waited by the door for 3 hours. Not one kid came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 3 004

By Anonymous - 12/03/2015 03:19 - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 2 921

By lightblue - 10/10/2010 04:33 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is an active member of the suicide forum. He told me I should make an account too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 3 277

Best teeth in the game

By Nochnoii - 07/10/2009 20:07 - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 681

You deserved it 13 267

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 17:07 - South Africa

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 678

You deserved it 2 824

By Party Pooper - 25/05/2015 01:59 - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 677

You deserved it 2 373

By TKDConnor92 - 22/07/2011 10:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year-old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 676

You deserved it 6 743

By Anonymous - 10/05/2015 13:47 - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 676

You deserved it 5 278

By Username - 13/08/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a scary movie. I was starting to get a small headache so he gently brushed my hair. During a scary part he jumped and hit me in the head as hard as he could with the brush. I'm still recovering from the migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 674

You deserved it 5 534

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The Top

Today, it only took my dad 10 minutes after I'd arrived at my parents' house for him to say that the actor scheduled to be the new Doctor Who couldn't be Doctor Who because "He's black!" I did try pointing out that Doctor Who is an alien with two hearts but… I gave up after that. Merry Christmas, yeah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 203

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 684

You deserved it 9 983

Today, I went to get a pedicure for the first time. My feet are VERY ticklish. I reflexively kicked the poor lady in the face, as I wet my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 618

You deserved it 17 448

Today, I wrote an email for a job offer. I checked it, double-checked it, triple-checked it, and then sent it. It's only THEN that I realised my CV wasn't attached. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 403

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 989

You deserved it 3 354

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 471

You deserved it 7 443