Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered... - FML

By I_Has_A_Fishy - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

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Not now, mom, I'm in pain

Craft beer bores

Deadly cocktail

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML

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By Canceled Wedding

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

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By SadManKillMeNow

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By today

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

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By i hit a cyclist - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML

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By terpity12 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By meach - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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By hozzyandie - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

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By sue

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By Anonymous - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By poordog - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By immunizations - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

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By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By hungryman - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By Debbie3247 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

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By Qwe - United States - North Attleboro

Today, I dropped my wallet and it fell into the perfectly sized hole in the storm drain. FML

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By muffdriver - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

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By justdoingmyjob - United States

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, at my job as a cocktail server in a bar, a group of good looking ladies sat in my section. As I was finishing up with the table next to them I overheard one of them saying, "I hope we don't get that guy, I want a sexy waiter tonight." FML

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By MyLife

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

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By "Sarah Ellsberry"

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

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By titoutou222 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

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By mimimi - France

Today, I went swimming. While I was walking along side of the pool, everyone was staring at me. I began to think that my diet was really working. It was only an hour later, in the changing rooms, that I noticed the string from my Tampax that was sticking out of my swimming costume. FML

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By coius - 29/11/2020 01:03 - United States - Lincoln

Home Improvement

Today, our washing machine broke and dumped around 100 gallons onto the floor. My dad had installed crappy water valves and we couldn’t turn off the water. I called my dad and he accused me of lying. His “repairs” have now caused 5 major disasters in our home due to his shoddy and cheap work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By you would - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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By jetlagged - Sweden

Today, for an eight hour flight to Copenhagen, Denmark, I paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room. Unfortunately, the man behind me was so tall, his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight. FML

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By I think its dead - Canada - Brandon

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

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By - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

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By DMitch - United States

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

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By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

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By Anonymous

Snoop

Today, I went through my boyfriend’s emails and found out that he cheated on me the day before he asked me to move in with him. FML

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By RIP

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

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By aces10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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By Sbfreak510 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work and I put on yesterday's jeans. While at my meeting an employee asked me if 'that' was mine and pointed to something on the floor next to me. Which was yesterday's underwear. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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Top comments

By BillyMadisonFTW | 5

#4674081 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

Did it scare the shit out of him?

By Drigr | 9

#4674083 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... fuck...?

COMMENTS

By BillyMadisonFTW | 5

#4674081 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

Did it scare the shit out of him?

Reply

charlotte69er | 7

#4674203 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:41

"I'm pretty sure that's what the FML said" -#30

Reply

KBeatz | 5

#4674222 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:47

Yea it probably did. Fuck your husband's life OP, that roach just interrupted the sanctity of a peaceful shit. One of the worst things that can happen to a man.

Reply

MCRaddict15 | 15

#4674295 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:27

I can't believe that was actually funny. Usually those puns make me roll my eyes.

Reply

winnerme123 | 8

#4674296 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:27

Why wouldn't you be? One day they will rule the world. Mwa-hahahahahaha

Reply

ablueshka | 0

#4674332 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:47

Totally off topic but ....... Who likes porn???

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#4674470 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:25

I'd do the exact same thing. Cockroaches are fucking scary.

Reply

hwkfan1 | 10

#4674845 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:29

So he's a screamer? :)

Reply

ulis_fml | 6

#4675258 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:15

This Fml makes me think of the song "he can't even bait a hook"

Reply

YessyxD | 8

#4675278 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:21

I LOVE how OP said "disposed of the body"!!!! Lol

Reply

Tophatz98 | 5

#4675389 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 8:18

At least you didnt have to wipe his ass :)

Reply

154rct | 7

#4675407 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 8:32

They're in a really shitty situation

*rimshot*

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4675459 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 9:04

I would say bomb the house but roaches survive nuclear attacks -__-

By Drigr | 9

#4674083 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... fuck...?

Reply

gribbles | 12

#4674287 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:23

At first read, I read, "I found my husband with his penis around his ankles" and pictured a case of manscaping gone wrong.

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#4674938 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 5:05

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who thought it said penis.

Reply

mars13_fml | 8

#4675094 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 6:14

Omg that is what I thought to. We now know who the man in the relationship is though

Reply

Webslinger66 | 10

#4676360 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 18:17

For better or for worse

By Docbee | 11

#4674084 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

Got to get a restraining order on that pest, it needs to learn to respect your privacy

Reply

miniluda12 | 12

#4674352 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:54

So she killed her husband & helped the cockroach wipe his ass?

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4674548 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:42

4- Here in Australia the cockroaches can be bigger than six inches long. Locals keep them as pets, have cockroach races and other entertaining events with them. *Shudder*.

Reply

uhwhiteguy | 0

#4674969 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 5:21

Duh, what else do u think happened

Reply

Jessicalmorann | 0

#4675553 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 9:37

Hell yeah

Reply

hiphopchick7 | 1

#4675925 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 14:53

82- I REALLY hope u were being sarcastic

By MassiveBerry | 9

#4674085 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:58

I read the first bit and expected him to be dead in the shower.

Reply

ripresno | 10

#4674522 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:37

Simply finding a dead body is nowhere near worthy to be on FML but when a grown man is found screaming like a little girl due to the presence of a cockroach that is worthy.

By cjrand | 7

#4674089 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:58

I feel like there should have been some warning signs prior to this event that your husband is a complete puss... YDI

Reply

Lizza330 | 28

#4674145 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:20

Why can't guys be scared of bugs?

Reply

TinyEMT | 6

#4674223 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:48

This doesn't make him a "puss" at all. Guys have their phobias just like girls do. My boyfriend's afraid of heights and that doesn't make me see him any differently.

Reply

AbbyAbyss | 5

#4674344 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:51

So does it make me a puss that I have a fear of all bugs? I'm sure you are just an inconsiderate little prick who thinks you're all that in a bag of potato chips.

Reply

Shadow_Blues | 10

#4674876 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:45

"I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!"
...sorry, couldn't resist. x3

Reply

1crabbygirl | 10

#4676224 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 17:18

I wonder if ball size is actually getting smaller as men become terrified of crawly things and listen to Bon Iver. Bitches, please.

Reply

justmethough | 8

#4676326 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 17:58

I understand a normal bug phobia. Lot's of people are afraid of bugs. But I think the fact that op had to stay afterwards while her husband wiped his ass, is a bit much.

Reply

PhishloverA | 14

#4680625 - Thursday 12 July 2012 23:15

Just because a guy has a phobia doesn't mean he's a puss

By ACE1442 | 16

#4674091 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

Da fuck?

Reply

SephoraGypsy | 15

#4674440 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:17

*dafuq?
Even then it is pathetic.

Reply

FlyingPie | 17

#4675312 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:29

As if "Da fuck" is so wrong that it needs to be corrected to "dafuq"? "Dafuq" looks fairly stupid, IMO.

By beef25967 | 2

#4674092 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

Well I guess you married a girl.

Reply

Nyx7 | 24

#6063255 - Friday 12 September 2014 19:58

Don't lump him in with us, we can handle shit better than that

Reply

HerWrongHole247 | 18

#6625527 - Saturday 11 June 2016 2:01

that's racist

By AbbyAbyss | 5

#4674095 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

Come on, cockroaches are fucking scary. But thats probably just my irrational fear of all bugs speaking.

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4674195 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:39

If you have ever watched the movie "Borat" you will understand why they are so scarey...

Reply

nachiketin | 10

#4674318 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:37

Not only cockroaches, but the entire insect kingdom!

Reply

AbbyAbyss | 5

#4674339 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:49

38- I haven't yet, but we own it so I'm going to watch it tonight. :)

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4675073 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 6:05

80- Haha good luck! It's such a funny movie! Do not. DO NOT watch "Bruno" i was scarred for life... But let me know how you like it!

Reply

AbbyAbyss | 5

#4675218 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:06

140- Haha! I'll take the advice buddy.

By Kiki242 | 19

#4674096 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

So I'm guessing you wear the pants in the relationship. I'm a girl and I hate roaches but never needed comfort when seeing one. Imagine if it touched him.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4674209 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:43

I don't know if it's right to criticize his fear, Kiki, those cockroaches are pretty scary. :/

Reply

eggmarie | 25

#4675304 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:28

Ever heard of this thing called a "phobia"?

By Inediblepeaches | 15

#4674097 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:00

My 5 year old sister would be tougher than that. No, really. She would finish what she was doing and leave the room. Tell him to man up.

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#4674192 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:37

Or he might have a fear of bugs.
Or the cockroach was carrying a knife.
There are those possibilities.

Reply

jamalamadingdong | 18

#4674924 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:58

"I'm gonna cut you up so bad, you're gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad"

Reply

sisterjameela | 7

#4675660 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 11:39

Or a gun. You never know it may be a rough neighborhood and the roach was a rapist.