Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered... - FML

By I_Has_A_Fishy - 10/7/2012 19:33 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

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Delayed proposal

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Vultures

By crakbbyaparently - 31/1/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

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By Anonim23 - 25/6/2019 00:15

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

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By thoughthewasjoking - 15/8/2014 21:10 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while walking to work, I saw a homeless guy with a funny "NEED MONEY 4 BOOZE" sign, so I gave him a few spare dollars for his humor. On my way back home, he was out cold on the sidewalk with several empty bottles beside him. Whoops. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 21:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

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By fml9124 - 20/9/2019 14:00

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 17:00

Words, don't come easy

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

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By ER1C - 16/5/2016 12:35 - Canada

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

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By brokedick - 12/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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By lollipopp56 - 26/3/2009 06:09 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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By goddamnit - 14/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

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By Zahkrii - 26/12/2018 16:00

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

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By Sandman2015 - 29/1/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By firefighter - 8/9/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

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By JustMyLuck - 6/9/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. As a natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML

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By Ghettogirl4life - 12/7/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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By Deadpool - 16/7/2019 21:11 - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

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By PartyPooper - 18/9/2018 03:00 - Netherlands

Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML

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By knife knife - 20/9/2016 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dalkeith

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

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By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By Kaji - 14/11/2008 11:20 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

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By HoobidibooFox - 13/11/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom - Coseley

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

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By joolsie - 15/5/2013 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

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By distracted - 16/9/2012 07:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML

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By Chipper - 9/6/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By EliseV - 3/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

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By Malakai - 2/2/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

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By Justlooking - 28/7/2017 20:00

Today, my new husband of two weeks attempted to solicit sex from a hooker. He tried to excuse himself by saying, "I would never cheat on you! I was just looking." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 14:00

'Cause I'm a Criminal

Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 16:17 - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By ostler - 2/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By Chelsea - 27/2/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

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By - 9/6/2019 05:56

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

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By StudentAbroad - 18/2/2016 13:27 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML

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By RatQuiRit - 13/10/2008 08:21

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

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By schellbytheseashore - 21/2/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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Top comments

By BillyMadisonFTW | 5

#4674081 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

Did it scare the shit out of him?

By Drigr | 8

#4674083 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... fuck...?

COMMENTS

By BillyMadisonFTW | 5

#4674081 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

Did it scare the shit out of him?

Reply

charlotte69er | 7

#4674203 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:41

"I'm pretty sure that's what the FML said" -#30

Reply

KBeatz | 5

#4674222 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:47

Yea it probably did. Fuck your husband's life OP, that roach just interrupted the sanctity of a peaceful shit. One of the worst things that can happen to a man.

Reply

MCRaddict15 | 15

#4674295 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:27

I can't believe that was actually funny. Usually those puns make me roll my eyes.

Reply

winnerme123 | 8

#4674296 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:27

Why wouldn't you be? One day they will rule the world. Mwa-hahahahahaha

Reply

ablueshka | 0

#4674332 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:47

Totally off topic but ....... Who likes porn???

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#4674470 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:25

I'd do the exact same thing. Cockroaches are fucking scary.

Reply

hwkfan1 | 10

#4674845 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:29

So he's a screamer? :)

Reply

ulis_fml | 6

#4675258 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:15

This Fml makes me think of the song "he can't even bait a hook"

Reply

YessyxD | 8

#4675278 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:21

I LOVE how OP said "disposed of the body"!!!! Lol

Reply

Tophatz98 | 5

#4675389 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 8:18

At least you didnt have to wipe his ass :)

Reply

154rct | 7

#4675407 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 8:32

They're in a really shitty situation

*rimshot*

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4675459 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 9:04

I would say bomb the house but roaches survive nuclear attacks -__-

By Drigr | 8

#4674083 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... fuck...?

Reply

gribbles | 12

#4674287 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:23

At first read, I read, "I found my husband with his penis around his ankles" and pictured a case of manscaping gone wrong.

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#4674938 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 5:05

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who thought it said penis.

Reply

mars13_fml | 8

#4675094 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 6:14

Omg that is what I thought to. We now know who the man in the relationship is though

Reply

Webslinger66 | 10

#4676360 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 18:17

For better or for worse

By Docbee | 11

#4674084 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:57

Got to get a restraining order on that pest, it needs to learn to respect your privacy

Reply

miniluda12 | 12

#4674352 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:54

So she killed her husband & helped the cockroach wipe his ass?

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4674548 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:42

4- Here in Australia the cockroaches can be bigger than six inches long. Locals keep them as pets, have cockroach races and other entertaining events with them. *Shudder*.

Reply

uhwhiteguy | 0

#4674969 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 5:21

Duh, what else do u think happened

Reply

Jessicalmorann | 0

#4675553 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 9:37

Hell yeah

Reply

hiphopchick7 | 1

#4675925 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 14:53

82- I REALLY hope u were being sarcastic

By MassiveBerry | 9

#4674085 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:58

I read the first bit and expected him to be dead in the shower.

Reply

ripresno | 10

#4674522 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:37

Simply finding a dead body is nowhere near worthy to be on FML but when a grown man is found screaming like a little girl due to the presence of a cockroach that is worthy.

By cjrand | 7

#4674089 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:58

I feel like there should have been some warning signs prior to this event that your husband is a complete puss... YDI

Reply

Lizza330 | 28

#4674145 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:20

Why can't guys be scared of bugs?

Reply

TinyEMT | 6

#4674223 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:48

This doesn't make him a "puss" at all. Guys have their phobias just like girls do. My boyfriend's afraid of heights and that doesn't make me see him any differently.

Reply

AbbyAbyss | 5

#4674344 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:51

So does it make me a puss that I have a fear of all bugs? I'm sure you are just an inconsiderate little prick who thinks you're all that in a bag of potato chips.

Reply

Shadow_Blues | 10

#4674876 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:45

"I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!"
...sorry, couldn't resist. x3

Reply

1crabbygirl | 10

#4676224 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 17:18

I wonder if ball size is actually getting smaller as men become terrified of crawly things and listen to Bon Iver. Bitches, please.

Reply

justmethough | 8

#4676326 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 17:58

I understand a normal bug phobia. Lot's of people are afraid of bugs. But I think the fact that op had to stay afterwards while her husband wiped his ass, is a bit much.

Reply

PhishloverA | 14

#4680625 - Thursday 12 July 2012 23:15

Just because a guy has a phobia doesn't mean he's a puss

By ACE1442 | 16

#4674091 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

Da fuck?

Reply

SephoraGypsy | 15

#4674440 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:17

*dafuq?
Even then it is pathetic.

Reply

FlyingPie | 17

#4675312 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:29

As if "Da fuck" is so wrong that it needs to be corrected to "dafuq"? "Dafuq" looks fairly stupid, IMO.

By beef25967 | 2

#4674092 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

Well I guess you married a girl.

Reply

Nyx7 | 24

#6063255 - Friday 12 September 2014 19:58

Don't lump him in with us, we can handle shit better than that

Reply

HerWrongHole247 | 18

#6625527 - Saturday 11 June 2016 2:01

that's racist

By AbbyAbyss | 5

#4674095 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

Come on, cockroaches are fucking scary. But thats probably just my irrational fear of all bugs speaking.

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4674195 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:39

If you have ever watched the movie "Borat" you will understand why they are so scarey...

Reply

nachiketin | 10

#4674318 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:37

Not only cockroaches, but the entire insect kingdom!

Reply

AbbyAbyss | 5

#4674339 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 1:49

38- I haven't yet, but we own it so I'm going to watch it tonight. :)

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4675073 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 6:05

80- Haha good luck! It's such a funny movie! Do not. DO NOT watch "Bruno" i was scarred for life... But let me know how you like it!

Reply

AbbyAbyss | 5

#4675218 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:06

140- Haha! I'll take the advice buddy.

By Kiki242 | 19

#4674096 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:59

So I'm guessing you wear the pants in the relationship. I'm a girl and I hate roaches but never needed comfort when seeing one. Imagine if it touched him.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4674209 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:43

I don't know if it's right to criticize his fear, Kiki, those cockroaches are pretty scary. :/

Reply

eggmarie | 25

#4675304 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:28

Ever heard of this thing called a "phobia"?

By Inediblepeaches | 15

#4674097 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:00

My 5 year old sister would be tougher than that. No, really. She would finish what she was doing and leave the room. Tell him to man up.

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#4674192 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:37

Or he might have a fear of bugs.
Or the cockroach was carrying a knife.
There are those possibilities.

Reply

jamalamadingdong | 18

#4674924 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:58

"I'm gonna cut you up so bad, you're gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad"

Reply

sisterjameela | 7

#4675660 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 11:39

Or a gun. You never know it may be a rough neighborhood and the roach was a rapist.