Miscellaneous: Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it.... - FML

By concom - 27/05/2015 19:40 - Cyprus

Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 601

You deserved it 2 083

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

The I in LGBTQA+

Haircare protip

By Anonymous - 09/06/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 497

You deserved it 51 006

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 303

You deserved it 6 185

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 629

You deserved it 4 385

By TheDumper - 21/06/2012 10:02 - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 182

You deserved it 29 990

By dulllife - 08/12/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 463

You deserved it 4 592

By thatwasembarrassing - 04/09/2018 15:00

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 169

You deserved it 405

By Jacoobic - 05/07/2019 20:00

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 146

By feckingnasty - 26/01/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 574

You deserved it 457

By dogproblems - 27/01/2015 15:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 450

You deserved it 3 532

By Anonymous - 30/01/2016 06:47 - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 745

You deserved it 1 800

Owl be there for you

By No2ndDate - 01/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 901

You deserved it 1 528

Dad jokes, part #23555

By Lizzie - 06/09/2019 12:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 248

By andrie09 - 07/07/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 248

You deserved it 3 060

By natalieeee - 18/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 856

You deserved it 61 941

By Eganstein - 24/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 862

You deserved it 2 694

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 425

By Nicole - 09/05/2016 20:12 - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 169

You deserved it 889

By fml - 13/11/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 224

You deserved it 7 740

By GLHan - 07/03/2014 22:31 - United States - Commack

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 269

You deserved it 3 824

By crazystuff23 - 01/06/2009 16:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 594

You deserved it 5 815

By SK8WITME - 12/02/2016 18:22 - India

Today, a short guy asked me how the world looked "up there", as I'm really tall. I decided to lift him up so he could see for himself. I failed both times I tried, to the great amusement of everyone watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 079

You deserved it 6 736

Menace II Society

By can’t buy her love - 22/03/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 133

By JWags - 04/12/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 436

You deserved it 1 469

By bloom - 17/12/2008 04:10 - France

Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 130

You deserved it 2 380

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 06:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 555

You deserved it 7 937

By too eager - 25/04/2016 15:21 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 921

You deserved it 2 939

By neverdoingthatagain - 27/02/2016 03:35 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 204

You deserved it 2 091

My eyes! My eyes!

By bleach for my eyes please - 07/03/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I opened the clip. The things I’ve seen… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 390

By no_service - 19/06/2009 17:57 - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 562

You deserved it 6 982

By Kidsthesedays - 09/11/2015 19:33 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 729

You deserved it 3 263

By Anonymous - 16/03/2019 16:00

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 614

You deserved it 1 678

By Beccarr - 01/07/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 646

You deserved it 45 563

By Lola - 23/07/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 726

You deserved it 4 324

By optimist - 26/01/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, after wondering why I didn't receive a grade for a summer course I took in 2007, I realized that I gave the professor the wrong student ID number. Someone else received credit. I've been waiting on this grade for 8 months in order to graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 662

You deserved it 30 972

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 07:59

Today, my grandad smacked me on the back of the head, and told me to, "Act like a goddamn man and stop crying." It was at the funeral of my mum and sister, who both died in a car crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 85

By pinkleopleurodon - 09/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 002

You deserved it 2 560

By panicromanceX3 - 26/04/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 835

You deserved it 63 341

By yamuda - 11/05/2016 23:24 - Ireland - Carlow

Spicy

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 028

You deserved it 2 001

Complicated relationship

By Anonymous - 02/11/2019 23:00

Today my girlfriend of three years broke up with me. Why? She wasn’t sure about the relationship anymore. She seemed pretty sure though, seeing she was on Tinder less than 2 hours after, thanks to the 3 different friends that all called me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 158

By Olorin - 12/08/2010 23:21 - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 354

You deserved it 2 718

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:25

Make sure it's the exact same watch first before making an accusation and then report the jerk!

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Thursday 28 May 2015 12:04

Did you leave it on the nightstand?

Comments

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:22

Be careful of what such teacher might teach you!

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Thursday 28 May 2015 12:48

It's pretty nice of the teacher to hold on to the watch for weeks though

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Thursday 28 May 2015 19:25

"Hold on" , I think that is called stealing

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:23

Watch-out for kleptomaniac teachers!

Dre27 20

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Thursday 28 May 2015 15:40

I can't even pretend to know what that means

WhackTheJackal 22

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Thursday 28 May 2015 17:15

Kleptomaniac's are people who are prone to stealing beyond their control.

X_KassidyRose_X 12

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Thursday 28 May 2015 19:43

Tbh the only way I knew what that meant was from playing sims and picking out their traits.

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:25

Make sure it's the exact same watch first before making an accusation and then report the jerk!

trver 4

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:51

It's he said she said, and administrators will always side with the adult/teacher. He needs pretty severe concrete evidence to get the administrators to give him his watch back and fire the teacher.

myGRAM 14

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Thursday 28 May 2015 12:30

This exact situation happened to me once. I pulled the whole "nice watch! I used to have one just like it but I lost it recently" and luckily for me the teacher was honest and said they'd got it from the lost and found

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Thursday 28 May 2015 14:02

#11, I'm pretty sure there's a recent FML that just disproved that.

trver 4

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Thursday 28 May 2015 14:34

#23, I highly doubt it, take a step back and evaluate the situation. If you could walk up to the school administrator and say "this teacher stole my watch" and get your teachers watch and have them lose their job, there would be a lot less teachers out there. The school board will need CONCRETE evidence to take the watch and fire the teacher, because they will have to pay the teacher a pension. The cops will mostly be involved. I don't understand how OP's word will be enough. Even friends saying that OP used to own a watch like that wouldn't be enough

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Thursday 28 May 2015 15:21

#23 was referring to the fml about the kid trying to bribe his teacher then reporting him for taking it when he refused to. The principal instantly believed the douchebag kid.

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:26

Teachers are always such wonderful role models

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Thursday 28 May 2015 13:21

*rolex

amileah13 26

Thursday 28 May 2015 11:32

Yikes. Some teacher of yours! Hopefully it's just a simple thing like your teacher has the same one because it's popular or something, but it'd be pretty shitty if he did take it.

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:33

Watch out for such teachers in future.

EclipseCandy6 24

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:35

Wonder how it got there :/

daz18m 15

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:36

It's time to ask for an A+

igg125 30

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Thursday 28 May 2015 11:37

No, watches are pretty common.

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Thursday 28 May 2015 12:04

Did you leave it on the nightstand?

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Thursday 28 May 2015 13:55

Well that does raise new doubts

TheBadAndGnarly 19

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Thursday 28 May 2015 22:57

Specifically on the kangaroo?

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Thursday 28 May 2015 22:58

Well that escalated quickly.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 47

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38