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By joser6969 - 29/10/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

agreeclassic 35 974

vote type 1 11 958

Mutilated

By MissYouPieceOfSkin - 27/11/2013 08:44 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

agreeclassic 35 973

vote type 1 16 730

By Bishop423 - 22/07/2015 04:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML

agreeclassic 35 973

vote type 1 2 524

Bishop423 app_comment_confession_title

Bishop423 14

Wednesday 22 July 2015 20:19

OP here. Yes it was the same guy both times. The reason why I didn't call the police is because he didn't actually expose himself. He clearly knew that he was doing something wrong because he checked to see if we were watching. I asked two different managers what to do, and both failed to provide a satisfactory answer so I was left to my own devices. The first time I caught him I told him he wasn't allowed to do that. The second time I actually closed the browser and told him that this was the last time this was gonna happen.

Funny how?

By Noname - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. I said, "Yeah I was funny, huh?" She replied, "Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one." FML

agreeclassic 35 972

vote type 1 2 760

By EllieJ - 23/03/2011 15:22

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

agreeclassic 35 970

vote type 1 4 389

Caught short

By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

agreeclassic 35 970

vote type 1 3 401

By bingalingading - 12/02/2015 01:44 - United States - Owosso

Today, my boss refused to give me vacation time for my wedding and honeymoon because she didn't have a honeymoon and because of that apparently neither should I. FML

agreeclassic 35 970

vote type 1 2 277

bingalingading app_comment_confession_title

bingalingading 12

Monday 23 February 2015 19:56

op here! Turns out I sorta kinda went over her head about it and now my vacation time has been approved! Of course said manager wasn't happy, but of course I went to HR about it and they seemed to have taken care of it. So starting June 22nd I will be on a cruise with my lovely wife!

By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

agreeclassic 35 969

vote type 1 2 693

By Macy - 11/06/2011 20:36 - Italy

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML

agreeclassic 35 967

vote type 1 3 380

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

agreeclassic 35 966

vote type 1 16 310

By jesterinperil - 16/02/2015 22:38 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. I'd planned for a nice restaurant which is always packed, so I'd called for a reservation. When we got there, the hostess tried to turn us down because no one ever takes their mother out to dinner anymore, and that I was a fraud. FML

agreeclassic 35 965

vote type 1 2 343

jesterinperil app_comment_confession_title

jesterinperil 28

Wednesday 25 February 2015 23:10

OP here. We eventually got into the restaurant with our original reservations, after contacting management. My mother and I tried to not let the hostess spoil the night. The rest of the staff was wonderful and I don't think we'll be seeing much more of that hostess for a long time.

By anna - 22/12/2011 21:25 - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

agreeclassic 35 964

vote type 1 4 618

By Anonymous - 04/11/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

agreeclassic 35 963

vote type 1 7 035

By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

agreeclassic 35 963

vote type 1 4 049

By coffee_princess - 22/07/2010 23:14 - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 35 962

vote type 1 4 467

By Anonymous - 28/03/2012 17:31 - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

agreeclassic 35 961

vote type 1 5 773

By Samm Povich - 25/02/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

agreeclassic 35 961

vote type 1 2 546

Cursed

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 13:12 - Australia

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said, "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

agreeclassic 35 961

vote type 1 3 870

By Anonymous - 16/06/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

agreeclassic 35 961

vote type 1 2 753

By DangerZone - 12/11/2009 03:05 - United States

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

agreeclassic 35 960

vote type 1 5 125

By good citizen - 27/11/2011 08:58 - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's ex. I decided to be a good person and hold the door for her as we walked into the store. She decided to be the bitch she is and stomp on my foot as she walked through the open doorway. FML

agreeclassic 35 959

vote type 1 6 789

Caught

By Anonanon - 12/07/2011 17:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after, he gave me the "let's just be friends" speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex-girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

agreeclassic 35 959

vote type 1 13 852

By anonymous - 10/01/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

agreeclassic 35 957

vote type 1 3 339

By Groomzilla? - 28/04/2015 05:32 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, less than a month from our wedding, my fiancé told me that he doesn't trust me and will be cancelling our wedding and new apartment lease if I don't give him all the names, numbers and addresses of my exes. All because I received a text from a wrong number that said, "Hey baby." FML

agreeclassic 35 956

vote type 1 4 008

By anonymous - 25/10/2010 21:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

agreeclassic 35 956

vote type 1 8 865

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

agreeclassic 35 956

vote type 1 7 033

By clash - 28/11/2008 06:30 - France

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

agreeclassic 35 956

vote type 1 7 619

By Izamellayella - 15/11/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, my date threw a fit, burst into tears, and made a huge scene in the middle of a crowded restaurant, all because I offered to pay. FML

agreeclassic 35 956

vote type 1 3 128

Izamellayella app_comment_confession_title

Izamellayella 5

Saturday 21 January 2012 1:10

I just now realized that this was posted, and, yes, I do realize that it was more than two months ago. He was actually my friend's old roommate, and she introduced us around a year ago. We didn't really interact that much but I thought that he was nice, so when he asked me out, I decided that I'd at least give him a chance. For the record, it wasn't some elaborate ultra-expensive fancy restaurant, but the meal certainly wasn't cheap. I've been in the habit of offering to pay for my meals for a while now, and I certainly wasn't expecting that kind of reaction for him. And no, I don't think that the guy paying for the date is sexist. I don't see why the girl can't pay sometimes, though, and I was just trying to be nice. If he'd wanted to pay, he could have told me instead of freaking out like that. He never called me back after that, but even if he did, I wouldn't have gone on another date with him. I enjoyed reading your comments! Most of you guys are really funny.