Today, I went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. I'd planned... - FML

By jesterinperil - 16/2/2015 22:38 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. I'd planned for a nice restaurant which is always packed, so I'd called for a reservation. When we got there, the hostess tried to turn us down because no one ever takes their mother out to dinner anymore, and that I was a fraud. FML

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jesterinperil Say more :

OP here. We eventually got into the restaurant with our original reservations, after contacting management. My mother and I tried to not let the hostess spoil the night. The rest of the staff was wonderful and I don't think we'll be seeing much more of that hostess for a long time.

Dad jokes, part 43884

All in the family

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - 19/12/2014 10:41 - United States - Athens

Today, I was shocked to notice that my hair has started growing out entirely silver, supposedly due to pregnancy. I'm 19. Apparently, according to my aunt, "It runs in the family." FML

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By FriutlessApple - 11/10/2013 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, feeling bored and lonely, I drove into town to wander around the shops and go to Subway for lunch. While there, I picked up two trays and put one on the opposite side of the table, along with some of my rubbish, to make it look like I was with someone. FML

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By janused - 18/2/2015 17:17 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad still refuses to repay the loan I gave him. I've just barely managed to pay my bills, and I'm now so poor that I'll have to survive the next 3 days until my next paycheck by eating the only thing left in my fridge: a jar of cheese whiz. FML

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By girlfromnowhere - 23/2/2016 11:06 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

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By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 05:00

Abandoned

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

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By Username - 8/7/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

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By GoulashQueen - 8/12/2019 01:00 - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By ohdeardarling - 14/6/2009 13:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2015 06:01 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for 'impeding a police officer'. My car was in my driveway. FML

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By goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt - 7/9/2013 21:43 - United States - Midlothian

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

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By incestastic - 14/8/2010 23:23 - Canada

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she is embarrassed of my real brother. FML

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By Kelly - 12/8/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

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By Rae - 30/7/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

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By notsurprised - 1/8/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 21:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

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By webcammistake - 17/3/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 02:00

Weirdly specific

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

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By Relevance - 13/8/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

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By SomeDJ - 12/8/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

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By Elmoo - 1/6/2012 01:20 - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By Brock - 2/2/2013 21:20 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 12:00

Today, as always, my mother hates my life choices. Particularly my hair for some reason. As she's always whinging about it being dyed blonde, I dyed it back to my natural colour again to appease her, and stop the constant bullying. She hates it. FML

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By oh gee, you don't say - 15/12/2012 18:43 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2012 15:37 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

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By meeranda - 1/1/2010 05:07 - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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By keyless - 14/4/2012 15:20 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, late for work, I called my dad to see if he knew where my keys were. Turns out he'd taken them on holiday with him because they have a bottle opener on them. FML

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By Username - 6/11/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 22:20 - United States

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

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By stoggie96 - 22/4/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

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By goodgrief - 30/10/2013 18:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

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By wowzersthatsucks - 29/6/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

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By ThatWasntFun - 29/1/2015 21:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - 27/6/2015 01:21 - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

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By soccerscout7 - 8/2/2011 12:48

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood. FML

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By artdegreemyass - 21/7/2012 21:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - 13/9/2013 00:01 - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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By creeper - 3/9/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. When the show was over I got the chance to meet them. When I met the guitarist and told him my name, he recognized me. To my disappointment it was as the facebook creeper. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 21:55 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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Top comments

By marulicko | 19

#6204856 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:06

Obviously she just said that because she doesn't treat her mother as nicely! Good for you,OP, I bet your mom was really happy! ^^,

By RayneSmytson | 24

#6204861 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

I'm guessing "tried" means you got in eventually?
Follow up!

Comments

By RockyLovesARacer | 37

#6204854 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:03

But I love my mother.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6204855 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:03

bet she has mommy issues

By marulicko | 19

#6204856 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:06

Obviously she just said that because she doesn't treat her mother as nicely! Good for you,OP, I bet your mom was really happy! ^^,

By RayneSmytson | 24

#6204861 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

I'm guessing "tried" means you got in eventually?
Follow up!

Reply

HJKM_fml | 19

#6205025 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 17:22

I thought the exact same thing. OP probably had a manager come over who let them in.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6204862 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

...That has to be one of the stupidest excuses I've ever heard of.

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204864 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

I'm really trying hard to understand how what she said makes any sense.

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#6204970 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:05

Hosts never make any sense. When I bused tables they always brought people to the table as I bused them, they could never wait the few seconds for me to clean and get out of there.

By icedexplosion | 19

#6204869 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:15

Can't be too careful these days. Everybody's out to steal reservations, the sneaky little devils ;)

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6204885 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:31

Yes, but aren't reservations made by name? How else would you know who reserved and who didn't? :/

By diaspora_fml | 26

#6204870 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:16

I think this fml is the fraud. "Reservation for two, right this way" doesn't sound as storyworthy though.

By JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6204871 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:17

Beware of the trolls op, they're everywhere!

By ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6204873 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:19

I would speak to the manager. These kind of people deserve to be put in their place. I have always wondered how they got jobs as they don't have brains.

Reply

TheFellyBelly | 8

#6205437 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 3:02

There are plenty of people who get jobs without having a brain. Take politicians for example.