Today, I went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. I'd planned... - FML

By jesterinperil - 16/2/2015 22:38 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. I'd planned for a nice restaurant which is always packed, so I'd called for a reservation. When we got there, the hostess tried to turn us down because no one ever takes their mother out to dinner anymore, and that I was a fraud. FML

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jesterinperil tells us more :

OP here. We eventually got into the restaurant with our original reservations, after contacting management. My mother and I tried to not let the hostess spoil the night. The rest of the staff was wonderful and I don't think we'll be seeing much more of that hostess for a long time.

Serious times

Boozehound alert

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 05:01 - United States - Arbuckle

Countdown

Today, I broke my ankle trying to step over a pipe, but instead slipped and put all of my weight on my left ankle. I'm scheduled for surgery in 3 days, which will be my 1-month countdown to my due date. I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

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By Workworkwork - 30/4/2019 12:00

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a Macbook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

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By donezo - 26/6/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

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By embarrassed - 1/6/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

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By slitherasssnape - 13/9/2016 18:53 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

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By fmcsl - 8/9/2019 00:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Customers from Hell

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 20:29 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 22:00

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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By jdot747 - 18/1/2009 01:48 - Canada

Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 21:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

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By Can't Unsee - 25/8/2018 22:00

Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML

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By Useless training - 11/7/2014 06:04 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

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By tracie - 22/9/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 29/8/2020 23:02

Harsh

Today, my estranged father died. No one bothered to tell me, and the only reason I found out was because his wife texted my sister. When I asked about the service, I was told I was no welcome in the state he had lived in, because I was no longer family. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By stay in there - 17/4/2020 23:00

Dumbasses

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 01:06 - United States

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

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By AvengedSevenX - 3/2/2012 15:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML

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By drastech99 - 23/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

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By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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By Pierceew - 19/9/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML

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By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

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By convict possibly - 26/5/2017 18:00

Today, I got to try on a stunning suit that made me the handsomest man in the world. Upcoming prom? No. Wedding? No. I attended a date... A court date. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 08:01

Sliced and diced

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By immaturity all around - 31/3/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By cjhgvb - 6/11/2014 00:48 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

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By Matt - 20/3/2011 05:08 - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

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By Aether - 3/6/2014 22:51 - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By hannahk267 - 18/11/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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By cdoyle - 8/4/2009 12:32 - Canada

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand in his boxers, he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

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By bwoolf96 - 10/9/2015 12:32

Today, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up in sleep paralysis, hallucinating the sight of children hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm scared to sleep. FML

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By mylifesucks - 26/3/2011 07:05

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

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By OutoftheLoop - 20/2/2009 09:24 - China

Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

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By Faceplant - 14/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Port Orchard

Smooth move, teach.

Today, I monitored my students as they conducted a lab experiment. I was walking to the other side of the room while looking at a student who seemed about to ask a question. When she looked up at me, I walked into a wall. FML

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By M. Moore - 12/6/2019 22:00

Today, I was gathering laundry around the house. I forgot my son was almost 13, and grabbed the very stiff socks from under his bed with my bare hands. FML

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Top comments

By marulicko | 19

#6204856 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:06

Obviously she just said that because she doesn't treat her mother as nicely! Good for you,OP, I bet your mom was really happy! ^^,

By RayneSmytson | 24

#6204861 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

I'm guessing "tried" means you got in eventually?
Follow up!

COMMENTS

By RockyLovesARacer | 38

#6204854 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:03

But I love my mother.

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6204855 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:03

bet she has mommy issues

By marulicko | 19

#6204856 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:06

Obviously she just said that because she doesn't treat her mother as nicely! Good for you,OP, I bet your mom was really happy! ^^,

By RayneSmytson | 24

#6204861 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

I'm guessing "tried" means you got in eventually?
Follow up!

Reply

HJKM_fml | 19

#6205025 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 17:22

I thought the exact same thing. OP probably had a manager come over who let them in.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6204862 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

...That has to be one of the stupidest excuses I've ever heard of.

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204864 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

I'm really trying hard to understand how what she said makes any sense.

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#6204970 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:05

Hosts never make any sense. When I bused tables they always brought people to the table as I bused them, they could never wait the few seconds for me to clean and get out of there.

By icedexplosion | 19

#6204869 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:15

Can't be too careful these days. Everybody's out to steal reservations, the sneaky little devils ;)

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6204885 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:31

Yes, but aren't reservations made by name? How else would you know who reserved and who didn't? :/

By diaspora_fml | 26

#6204870 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:16

I think this fml is the fraud. "Reservation for two, right this way" doesn't sound as storyworthy though.

By JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6204871 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:17

Beware of the trolls op, they're everywhere!

By ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6204873 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:19

I would speak to the manager. These kind of people deserve to be put in their place. I have always wondered how they got jobs as they don't have brains.

Reply

TheFellyBelly | 8

#6205437 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 3:02

There are plenty of people who get jobs without having a brain. Take politicians for example.