Health: Caught short - FML

Caught short

By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 867

You deserved it 3 374

You tried

People are people

Living my best life

By Enslaved - 15/11/2016 08:40

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 507

You deserved it 1 285

By themonkeyman - 23/12/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I started my job as a waiter. I was excited when my first customer paid for the bill. I go over to the table, half-expecting a tip. I got to the table and no money was on the table. On the bottom receipt was written: "Ever heard of deodorant?" Apparently I smell bad. Thanks for the tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 186

You deserved it 29 455

By #201 - 05/02/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 412

You deserved it 16 505

By idonteven - 12/08/2013 20:04 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 949

You deserved it 4 451

It's a learned behavior

By laurilove7 - 27/04/2021 20:01

Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Turns out, an African-American girl approached her and tried to play with her, but my daughter cut her off and said, "I don’t want to play with a black person." I have no idea where she learned this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 1 219

By Nicole - 13/03/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 863

You deserved it 3 207

By Rabzouz - 20/12/2008 08:16 - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 672

You deserved it 12 212

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 23:49 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 991

You deserved it 59 803

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 16:59

Today, my mom asked me what I did with the first paycheck from my first "big girl" job. I told her I paid down my credit debt like a responsible adult. She rolled her eyes and said she was disappointed in me for not treating myself. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 77

By ihateteenagers - 30/12/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 467

You deserved it 10 036

Fashion Week

By NotAGoodStart - 07/03/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 946

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 20/03/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 074

You deserved it 5 127

By CB - 19/11/2009 01:30 - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 941

You deserved it 2 477

By Christmas sucks - 24/12/2012 01:03 - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 736

You deserved it 4 723

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 567

You deserved it 39 883

Trans women are women

By Colton - 07/06/2021 20:01

Today, I'm dating a trans girl, who is also my best friend. She confessed to me long ago that she was born male, and that wasn't a big deal to me. The problem is that my family is constantly harassing her, because I should have been "with a real girl instead of a monster with severed genitals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 396

By Noname - 02/01/2009 03:04 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked "why does it smell so bad?" I replied "sweat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 474

You deserved it 38 367

By Hayleey_079 - 18/02/2010 14:22 - United Kingdom

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 970

You deserved it 3 742

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 14:52 - United States - Dallas

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 466

You deserved it 2 575

By JulieClaire - 11/03/2011 01:44

Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my brand new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 090

You deserved it 4 769

The great replacement

By mommy - 18/04/2014 02:31 - United States - North Andover

Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 133

You deserved it 5 323

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 14:01 - United States - Waterville

Spicy

Today, I spent four hours at the ER because I had a miscarriage. The father of the baby was being sweet and supportive while I was there and checked in on me after I got home. Six hours after we found out we lost our baby, he asked for a threesome. He still doesn’t understand what’s wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 477

You deserved it 213

By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - 13/07/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 082

You deserved it 21 642

This is 100% accurate

By Theon - 21/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I had a problem with my email verification in FML. I contacted support, and they were super helpful and fixed it. But I used my spam email, which automatically sends an immature message to anyone that contacts it. So instead of a, "Thank you", the nice staff member got a, "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Go away cheese face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 234

You deserved it 1 124

By headache - 04/05/2019 14:00

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 787

You deserved it 153

By Invisible - 22/05/2009 19:27 - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 675

You deserved it 12 157

By waterspike - 29/01/2010 13:18 - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 721

You deserved it 9 928

By fleatitting fame - 04/07/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 863

You deserved it 3 776

By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 05:58

Today, while out with my family, I happened to run into "the one who got away." She smilingly introduced herself to my wife, who definitely noticed that she and our daughter share the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 570

You deserved it 7 880

By Wraith - 06/11/2013 17:27 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 620

You deserved it 4 771

By Anonwymous - 18/10/2009 10:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 5 503

By Alicia - 21/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 232

You deserved it 6 282

By Unluggee - 04/06/2009 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 942

You deserved it 188 440

By greatstartto2010 - 03/01/2010 00:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 524

You deserved it 2 534

By Hopeless romantic - 16/08/2014 06:20 - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 441

You deserved it 10 287

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 08:49 - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 510

You deserved it 4 233

By me - 07/03/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 850

You deserved it 3 878

By JAY22 - 26/03/2009 11:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 223 604

You deserved it 35 674

By notsobig - 29/01/2013 22:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 599

You deserved it 40 811

By Chandler - 16/09/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 774

You deserved it 2 919

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:10

you could have just stopped at a store or fast food joint.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:12

i don't know man. ... that was some serious shit

Comments

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:10

you could have just stopped at a store or fast food joint.

pinkster2014 25

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:18

Yeah, but no one likes to take a dump in public restrooms. Even in these circumstances xD Plus, he was "dying" to take a dump so maybe he couldn't wait any further to use the bathroom by going to a store.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:22

I don't either, but if I were "bursting" to go, I'd have gone for it. I bet OP wished he did too since it beats taking a dump caveman style.

randompizzaguy 17

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:22

I agree with #11 I once had to use the woman's restroom in a gas station during a road trip. The looks I got as I walked out haunt me to this day.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:46

#14: Are you saying I'm worse than a public restroom?

ShadowlessSpear 21

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Thursday 13 November 2014 23:23

#22 Yes.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 23:30

He right , no one wants to use a nasty toilet :/

incoherentrmblr 21

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Thursday 13 November 2014 23:36

Well, at least you've fertilized the lawn. Scott from Scott's Lawn care is happy that you fed your lawn with your own type of Miracle-Gro. Feed your lawn. Feed it!...

ahippienamedrae 10

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Thursday 13 November 2014 23:56

#11, you gotta do what you gotta do.

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Friday 14 November 2014 6:18

That moment when the creepy neighbor asks if he can have it for his lawn....

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Saturday 15 November 2014 15:27

or you could have gone to your neighbour's

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:12

i don't know man. ... that was some serious shit

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:29

we know which tree is gonna be the biggest this year

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:43

... or dead.

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Friday 14 November 2014 0:51

in the end we're all just animals. everyone knows whose yard it is now!

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:13

Oh my goodness. This was one of the few FMLs that legitimately made me lol. Did you use leaves to wipe???

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:53

Socks were sacrificed and had a proper funeral under the backyard tree.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 23:33

When you go to the bathroom and have no toilet paper, be a man and use your hand!

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Friday 14 November 2014 0:53

#27 Best place to plant a rose bush!

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Friday 14 November 2014 1:26

#33 I don't think anyone would be that desperate to use their own hand......

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Friday 14 November 2014 2:45

51 was just an old rhyme I heard a long time ago wasn't literal...just hard to convey it through text that it wasn't meant to really use your hand. My apologies!

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Friday 14 November 2014 4:44

Oh, my bad to then #54, i probably should have picked that up! :P

LostInTheZone11 28

Thursday 13 November 2014 22:13

There's nothing like getting back to nature.

randompizzaguy 17

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:14

It's better than your pants.

pitapizzaparty 18

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:15

You should have called ur wife to check first before u left somewhere that probably had a bathroom

StarDust5921 16

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:18

Maybe it hit him on his way home. Shit happens.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:15

I honestly thought you were gonna say you crapped your pants before making it to the bathroom.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 23:05

I personally thought he went into the bathroom really fast and the next thing he knows he was on the toilet doing his business 2 inches away from a chocked plumber.

StarDust5921 16

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:16

What a shitty situation!

pitapizzaparty 18

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:17

No -.-

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Friday 14 November 2014 0:13

Maybe if everyone stops making these jokes, we can enjoy them again somewhere 50 years from now.

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Friday 14 November 2014 0:48

thats a shitty sit-SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEARN HOW TO MAKE A REAL PUN BITCH

PresidentNorth 16

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Friday 14 November 2014 4:23

Damn dude chill out. shits not the serious.

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Friday 14 November 2014 5:01

uhh i wasnt being serious......

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:18

Ahh the smell of fresh air and fresh sing, nothing like it. Well at least that tree will get some good human fertilization.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:34

fresh dung* Auto correct.. My shittiest enemy.

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Thursday 13 November 2014 22:28

Dude... I hated it as much as, if not, more than you did. You couldn't have just used the bush? Speeding in this case could make things much worse! Trying to get home and defile your tree, when you're pulled over for speeding... That's a whole new level of FML.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 96

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 287