Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to...

By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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Health

Work name

Time don't heal nothing

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Samantha - 16/8/2012 22:36 - United States - Holt

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By mdsfkljsfsdrewr - 3/6/2014 19:01 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, less than a day after my cranky downstairs neighbor passed away, I woke up to banging sounds against his apartment ceiling, like the ones he used to make whenever I walked around during the night. I'm shitting myself in fear. FML

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By ByeByeBlackberry - 7/9/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML

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By piper55 - 10/5/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

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By WTF? - 20/4/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - 12/2/2014 01:37 - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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By psychortiz - 3/6/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

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By ummm eww - 12/6/2020 20:05

Disclosure

Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - 4/12/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By GreenScar - 11/3/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

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By Bitch - 26/5/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

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By TheFriskyBadger - 12/7/2016 23:57

Today, a customer complained that her salad had "too much lettuce." Her bowl was less than half-filled with lettuce and the rest was cheese. FML

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By ugh annoying - 1/7/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

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By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - 1/12/2015 22:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By jessica - 17/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By anikah - 1/6/2014 21:53 - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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By rahrahcakes - 19/3/2012 07:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

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By hendrix1 - 25/8/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

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By patch91 - 5/4/2011 02:03

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

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By fufu_mutt - 15/12/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

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By OzzyWannabee - 20/2/2015 08:12 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By deven - 29/8/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By ihatevideos - 16/3/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By nolife - 5/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

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By mala_19 - 18/3/2020 20:14 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

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By fml9124 - 7/11/2019 20:00

Does she really love me?

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

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By Atheist - 22/3/2012 04:56 - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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By alexa - 8/12/2015 17:14 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

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By tarheels526 - 8/2/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By pizzagurl - 9/5/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 21:15 - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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Top comments

By Salaminizer | 0

#1033516 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:51

When they're gone, sneeze on everything they own, sleep in their beds, etc. So when they get back, YOU can go to the beach and THEY can be sick.

By terror_twins | 0

#1033480 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:31

Your family is fucking horrible. Get a new one. hahaha.

Comments

By ltrtbt666 | 0

#1033405 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:03

haha you suck

MrLefty | 8

#1033414 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:07

I'm sorry OP. FYL for sure. sucks that everyone else decided to go without you.

noshatsherlockk | 15

#1033436 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:13

fyl. find a new family(:

marinus_fml | 19

#1033447 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:16

fyl if the only time you get to go down to the beach is on your birthday!!

ruby84 | 1

#1033459 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:23

op if no one had said yet, then I'm telling you. SUCK IT UP PRINCESS!

arc794 | 0

#1033498 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:41

Your family wouldn't even stay home with you on your birthday? I agree with 1, you must really suck.

banders234 | 0

#1033599 - Thursday 17 June 2010 11:37

ydi for not getting a flu shot

ladiesman14 | 0

#1033617 - Thursday 17 June 2010 12:43

flu shot

lizamaphone | 6

#1033688 - Thursday 17 June 2010 14:54

fyl, but if your parents had already planned the trip why do you expect them to cancel it just for you?

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1033715 - Thursday 17 June 2010 15:50

Wow, your family are assholes. Sorry OP, you can always have the dog piss on their bed or have sex in it!!! lol

marylovesyou8D | 7

#1033771 - Thursday 17 June 2010 16:36

awww. :( happy birthday, though.....

(:

zach055 | 23

#1033860 - Thursday 17 June 2010 17:56

FYL

rudiznell | 0

#1033887 - Thursday 17 June 2010 18:27

FAKE AND GAY

AlbinoMoose987 | 14

#6676827 - Tuesday 23 August 2016 19:57

#38 - I still got the flu after a flu shot, it was mild but it still happened

By damnitcarl | 0

#1033409 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:05

u shulda charged them lol but fyl op

kayladance101 | 13

#1033644 - Thursday 17 June 2010 13:29

what?

eehizle | 0

#1034416 - Friday 18 June 2010 3:09

what?

By teffyweffy | 6

#1033420 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:08

happy birthday

ARScratch | 0

#1033533 - Thursday 17 June 2010 10:02

Why hello, 6. Lol :P

JeffGoesRawrr | 0

#1033646 - Thursday 17 June 2010 13:37

Happy Birthday.!! ;DD

By Mikeymikey | 4

#1033428 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:11

OP, just throw a house party with all your friends!!... and your dog!!

By sweetdreams999 | 0

#1033429 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:11

that sucks OP :(

By porkchopsammich | 0

#1033431 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:12

Watching a dog seems more appealing than goin to the beach in my opinion.

By heyygirll | 0

#1033445 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:15

suuucckkksss forrrr youuu lozerrr ps all of you that previously commented are ugly I'm the only hot one ha ha. ha. ha hahahah

porkchopsammich | 0

#1033448 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:16

Nies grammer skiilz

spzb | 3

#1033449 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:17

put up a pick then heyygirl. otherwise........

ruby84 | 1

#1033462 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:24

prove it. show us how you look like, ugly!

chocolatejuggalo | 0

#1033474 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:28

I hate when people type like that. and I bet your totally smokin, "heygirll"...

By PeaceLoveAmelia6 | 0

#1033461 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:24

Yuck.
...My parents nearly did this to me when I was sick two weeks ago...

ruby84 | 1

#1033472 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:27

oohh no they didn't!!! are you serious?
woow i'm speechless! how could they!! how mean of them!!
ah!! I can't beleive all the torture and the pain you went through. poor you!