Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to...

By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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Health

Messed up

This is fine

Grow up

By I get the hint - 18/9/2013 06:19

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 02:14 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 18:56 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

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By baebookboo - 4/8/2014 15:08 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By Alan - 2/9/2015 20:13 - Germany

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By Stop being healthy - 22/4/2017 22:00

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By sensativenose - 19/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like to a skating rink. On the ride home she put her arm around me. Her armpits stank and I smelt them the whole hour and a half drive. FML

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By barman - 17/7/2010 20:51 - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By Groom - 30/11/2008 10:51 - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By Noname - 5/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML

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By frgn8r - 31/5/2010 11:59 - Australia

Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We parked a car at the finish of the track and drove another car to the start, so we could drive back and pick it up when we finished. At the end of the trek, I realised I had left the keys for the second car in the first car. FML

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By Trey Deluna - 3/12/2010 17:12 - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

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By pk24 - 25/2/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By tonedef - 9/7/2013 23:35 - United States

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

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By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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By Casdmo - 29/4/2018 15:00

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 02:00

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

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By bosslady12 - 21/12/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

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By shiney100893 - 14/1/2013 12:56 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a party with my crush. The collar on his shirt was sticking up so I fixed it for him. He gave me a hug and said, "Aww you're so good to me. You're like my mother. You can be my college mother." I got mother-zoned. FML

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By baconandkittens - 26/2/2012 03:13 - United States

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

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By bee - 23/12/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By Spanky - 23/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 17:00 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

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By nevasurprised - 10/1/2012 14:50 - Germany

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

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By Ages ago - 8/5/2019 10:00 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, two guys robbed me. As I wrestled them on the ground, my best friend just stood next to all this, telling me to give them the money already, or we'd be late for school. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 08:08

For the life of him indeed

Today, my significant other decided it’s safe to travel to Brazil for Christmas break, even though they are heavily impacted by Covid. He doesn't understand for the life of him why we should skip this year. FML

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By WhyTheEff - 20/11/2009 23:50 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

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By nixwolfwood - 19/12/2016 21:14

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

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By beachbum - 27/2/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 19:39 - Ireland - Mountmellick

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 16:39 - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

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By Dartfrogger - 12/2/2015 19:16 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 14:41 - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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By Naomi - 10/11/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By lovedoesnotexist - 24/9/2015 11:52 - Belgium

Today, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me because my hair "falls out" and I "will definitely be bald soon", even though it's not that bad. The same girl who I supported through her chemotherapy and gave her promises that I would stay with her no matter how she looked. FML

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By nowbrokevaper - 19/11/2016 18:47 - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

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By abc123 - 16/12/2013 16:44 - United States - Marysville

Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend. While we were washing our hair, he got soap in his eyes and mouth. I was facing him, and since his eyes were closed he didn't realize how close I was. When he spat the soap out, it went straight into my eyes. Neither of us could see. FML

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Top comments

By Salaminizer | 0

#1033516 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:51

When they're gone, sneeze on everything they own, sleep in their beds, etc. So when they get back, YOU can go to the beach and THEY can be sick.

By terror_twins | 0

#1033480 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:31

Your family is fucking horrible. Get a new one. hahaha.

COMMENTS

By ltrtbt666 | 0

#1033405 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:03

haha you suck

MrLefty | 8

#1033414 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:07

I'm sorry OP. FYL for sure. sucks that everyone else decided to go without you.

noshatsherlockk | 15

#1033436 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:13

fyl. find a new family(:

marinus_fml | 19

#1033447 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:16

fyl if the only time you get to go down to the beach is on your birthday!!

ruby84 | 1

#1033459 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:23

op if no one had said yet, then I'm telling you. SUCK IT UP PRINCESS!

arc794 | 0

#1033498 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:41

Your family wouldn't even stay home with you on your birthday? I agree with 1, you must really suck.

banders234 | 0

#1033599 - Thursday 17 June 2010 11:37

ydi for not getting a flu shot

ladiesman14 | 0

#1033617 - Thursday 17 June 2010 12:43

flu shot

lizamaphone | 6

#1033688 - Thursday 17 June 2010 14:54

fyl, but if your parents had already planned the trip why do you expect them to cancel it just for you?

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1033715 - Thursday 17 June 2010 15:50

Wow, your family are assholes. Sorry OP, you can always have the dog piss on their bed or have sex in it!!! lol

marylovesyou8D | 7

#1033771 - Thursday 17 June 2010 16:36

awww. :( happy birthday, though.....

(:

zach055 | 23

#1033860 - Thursday 17 June 2010 17:56

FYL

rudiznell | 0

#1033887 - Thursday 17 June 2010 18:27

FAKE AND GAY

AlbinoMoose987 | 14

#6676827 - Tuesday 23 August 2016 19:57

#38 - I still got the flu after a flu shot, it was mild but it still happened

By damnitcarl | 0

#1033409 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:05

u shulda charged them lol but fyl op

kayladance101 | 13

#1033644 - Thursday 17 June 2010 13:29

what?

eehizle | 0

#1034416 - Friday 18 June 2010 3:09

what?

By teffyweffy | 6

#1033420 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:08

happy birthday

ARScratch | 0

#1033533 - Thursday 17 June 2010 10:02

Why hello, 6. Lol :P

JeffGoesRawrr | 0

#1033646 - Thursday 17 June 2010 13:37

Happy Birthday.!! ;DD

By Mikeymikey | 4

#1033428 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:11

OP, just throw a house party with all your friends!!... and your dog!!

By sweetdreams999 | 0

#1033429 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:11

that sucks OP :(

By porkchopsammich | 0

#1033431 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:12

Watching a dog seems more appealing than goin to the beach in my opinion.

By heyygirll | 0

#1033445 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:15

suuucckkksss forrrr youuu lozerrr ps all of you that previously commented are ugly I'm the only hot one ha ha. ha. ha hahahah

porkchopsammich | 0

#1033448 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:16

Nies grammer skiilz

spzb | 3

#1033449 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:17

put up a pick then heyygirl. otherwise........

ruby84 | 1

#1033462 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:24

prove it. show us how you look like, ugly!

chocolatejuggalo | 0

#1033474 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:28

I hate when people type like that. and I bet your totally smokin, "heygirll"...

By PeaceLoveAmelia6 | 0

#1033461 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:24

Yuck.
...My parents nearly did this to me when I was sick two weeks ago...

ruby84 | 1

#1033472 - Thursday 17 June 2010 9:27

oohh no they didn't!!! are you serious?
woow i'm speechless! how could they!! how mean of them!!
ah!! I can't beleive all the torture and the pain you went through. poor you!