Health: Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 195

You deserved it 22

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 488

You deserved it 131

16/06/2010 23:16

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 871

You deserved it 2 734

Broken heart

The smell detective is on the case

Sorry…

Right in the pecker

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 402

Get with the times

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 14:00

Today, I went to mediation with 5 managers and a coworker I do not get along with. Everyone in the room was at least 20 years younger than me, and the entire meeting was them telling me to drag myself into the present century and basically do whatever the younger, "smarter" people say, or else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 316

05/02/2013 22:48

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 532

You deserved it 3 243

FEED ME

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 23:02

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 120

Fair analysis

By Avnirvana - 07/10/2020 23:01

Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 720

02/01/2012 02:14

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 188

You deserved it 50 047

02/10/2012 00:11

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 451

You deserved it 2 621

28/09/2012 05:34

Today, I was so happy to be leaving the hospital after breaking my arm the night before. Just as I walked out of the doors, a huge ambulance team was running in at the same time and knocked me down full force. I now have a broken ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 212

You deserved it 2 528

01/09/2013 19:35

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 035

You deserved it 3 610

02/04/2009 15:34

Spicy

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 904

You deserved it 114 024

29/08/2019 16:00

Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 144

I'm still young

By jb123 - 29/12/2019 20:00

Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 907

You deserved it 201

20/05/2009 23:44

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 254

You deserved it 6 581

Kids and their wacky crazes

By tclwj - 06/09/2020 23:01

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 187

Revealed

By PartyPoop - 28/08/2021 02:00

Today, at my gender reveal party, my daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and knocked over tables and chairs screaming, “Fuck this shit!” when the reveal came out pink. She’s five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 1 068

Romantic gesture

By Anonymous - 19/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 218

You deserved it 251

Cassius

By Noname - 11/03/2009 06:04

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 351

You deserved it 9 444

Failing upwards

By Anonymous - 26/02/2021 20:01

Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 477

16/06/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 163

You deserved it 357

So much in common

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 20:01

Today, my old high school mates organised a dinner hangout so that my recent ex, who is part of our group, could introducing her new boyfriend to us. I was late and the only remaining seat available was next to the new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 234

07/05/2015 21:43

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 721

You deserved it 27 954

20/04/2016 00:56

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 552

You deserved it 2 205

26/08/2019 19:01

Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 542

You deserved it 1 754

13/06/2019 12:33

Today, I was cleaning up rabbit pee from the floor when my rabbit hopped up to me. To prevent her from standing in it and spreading it throughout the room, I shooed her away. She got such a fright that she jumped in the pee and spattered it all over my clothes and face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 634

29/10/2011 00:44

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 002

You deserved it 10 794

25/04/2019 18:00

Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 271

You deserved it 256

23/08/2013 21:58

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 699

You deserved it 3 079

14/12/2010 05:01

Spicy

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 910

You deserved it 2 780

10/06/2011 04:08

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 362

You deserved it 13 006

25/02/2013 08:33

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 300

You deserved it 3 634

13/02/2009 21:59

Spicy

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 841

You deserved it 4 183

16/05/2012 22:29

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 434

You deserved it 32 113

02/01/2010 01:19

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 318

You deserved it 6 978

12/10/2009 08:23

Today, my mom said I was the worst of her 5 children. My IQ is 130, an honor student, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I'm the "worst" because I don't go to church every Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 007

You deserved it 10 853

29/05/2009 02:35

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 59 235

04/09/2015 01:06

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 567

You deserved it 2 846

28/08/2018 15:00

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 142

You deserved it 147

09/03/2009 06:15

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 225

You deserved it 4 418

24/02/2009 17:47

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 256

You deserved it 56 413

Different together

By jessie - 15/05/2021 04:00

Today, my mom walked in on me shaving the tops of my legs. She called me a freak, since apparently women aren’t even supposed to grow hair there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 47

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:51

When they're gone, sneeze on everything they own, sleep in their beds, etc. So when they get back, YOU can go to the beach and THEY can be sick.

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:31

Your family is fucking horrible. Get a new one. hahaha.

Comments

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:03

haha you suck

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:07

I'm sorry OP. FYL for sure. sucks that everyone else decided to go without you.

noshatsherlockk 15

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:13

fyl. find a new family(:

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:16

fyl if the only time you get to go down to the beach is on your birthday!!

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:23

op if no one had said yet, then I'm telling you. SUCK IT UP PRINCESS!

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:41

Your family wouldn't even stay home with you on your birthday? I agree with 1, you must really suck.

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Thursday 17 June 2010 11:37

ydi for not getting a flu shot

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Thursday 17 June 2010 12:43

flu shot

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Thursday 17 June 2010 14:54

fyl, but if your parents had already planned the trip why do you expect them to cancel it just for you?

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Thursday 17 June 2010 15:50

Wow, your family are assholes. Sorry OP, you can always have the dog piss on their bed or have sex in it!!! lol

marylovesyou8D 7

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Thursday 17 June 2010 16:36

awww. :( happy birthday, though..... (:

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Thursday 17 June 2010 17:56

FYL

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Thursday 17 June 2010 18:27

FAKE AND GAY

AlbinoMoose987 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2016 19:57

#38 - I still got the flu after a flu shot, it was mild but it still happened

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:05

u shulda charged them lol but fyl op

kayladance101 13

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Thursday 17 June 2010 13:29

what?

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Friday 18 June 2010 3:09

what?

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:08

happy birthday

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Thursday 17 June 2010 10:02

Why hello, 6. Lol :P

JeffGoesRawrr 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 13:37

Happy Birthday.!! ;DD

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:11

OP, just throw a house party with all your friends!!... and your dog!!

sweetdreams999 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:11

that sucks OP :(

porkchopsammich 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:12

Watching a dog seems more appealing than goin to the beach in my opinion.

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:15

suuucckkksss forrrr youuu lozerrr ps all of you that previously commented are ugly I'm the only hot one ha ha. ha. ha hahahah

porkchopsammich 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:16

Nies grammer skiilz

spzb 3

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:17

put up a pick then heyygirl. otherwise........

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:24

prove it. show us how you look like, ugly!

chocolatejuggalo 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:28

I hate when people type like that. and I bet your totally smokin, "heygirll"...

PeaceLoveAmelia6 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:24

Yuck. ...My parents nearly did this to me when I was sick two weeks ago...

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:27

oohh no they didn't!!! are you serious? woow i'm speechless! how could they!! how mean of them!! ah!! I can't beleive all the torture and the pain you went through. poor you!

PeaceLoveAmelia6 0

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:38

Actually, I was. It was a "severe" (according to the doctor) combination of two ear infections, and a bad virus. By the way, what's with the sarcasm?

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Thursday 17 June 2010 10:58

She's probably having a bad day... it's her bday and NO one has said happy bday yet !!

PeaceLoveAmelia6 0

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Friday 18 June 2010 4:08

I was talking to 21. I should've specified that.

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:27

that sucks...sorry OP. Try and enjoy your birthday as much as you can though!

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Thursday 17 June 2010 9:28

Kill the dog, teach them a lesson