The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Panic! At the Costco

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

The receipts, the tea

Today, I found out a guy I used to date is trying to get me fired from my dream job. He found an old flip phone with a text argument we had nearly 17 years ago. He wants me punished for things I said when I was an angry 15 year old-kid. HR is now looking into the whole thing. FML

Fixed

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

Cruel trick

Today, it's my one-year anniversary of being sober. For the occasion, my father decided to spice-up my non-alcoholic cocktail with booze. I didn't realize, and drank it. FML

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

Father of the year

Today, my husband is so emotionally disconnected from fatherhood, he has yet to call our son by his name and instead just refers to him as 'It' or 'That' and occasionally just 'Him'. Sometimes he’ll even ignore him crying and just leave the room because the noise annoys him. FML

Creepy kid

Today, I took my boys over to their grandmother’s house. We had a nice supper together. We all talked, played board games, and watched TV. After a while, I couldn’t find my 13 year-old son. He was in his 67 year-old grandmother’s master bathroom, jerking off with her dirty granny panties. FML

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

Fashion Week, Bitch

Today, I found out that my blazer was not in fact lost. How did I find this out? The girl who'd "lost it" was wearing it. She now denies it was ever mine. FML

Bad sex

Today, I had sex for the first time in two years. With a man I love, who is handsome, very nicely equipped, and quite good at it. I was in pain the entire time. It took me 3 tries to realize there is something physically wrong with me, and once I get it fixed, he'll be gone. FML

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

Don't point out my shortcomings

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

Batman ruins another relationship

Today, my girlfriend asked what my sexual fantasy was, and I said Catwoman. She got disgusted at me, because according to her, Catwoman is 15 years-old or something. Turns out she has only seen Gotham, featuring Catgirl as a teenager, and not the grown-up Halle Berry version I was talking about. FML

Red flag

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend after we went to my family reunion. I heard him complaining that I didn't have any "slutty cousins" he could cheat on me with. FML

Mix up

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

Happy quarantine!

Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

Spooked

Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML

Smash capitalism

Today, I was basically treated to, "Hey, you're laid off by the end of the month. Oh, and would you mind training your replacement? We have budget cuts, and he works for less." FML

Earplugs, stat!

Today, my grandpa forgot that my aunt set up a baby monitor in his bedroom in case of a fall. I’m sitting in the living room with his wife - who is deaf - and I hear him moaning over the baby monitor. My grandfather was jerking off and forgot that someone could hear him. I wish I could forget too. FML

Alcohol is no excuse

Today, after spending thousands on 4 failed IVF attempts, my husband of 3 years told me he had a drunken one night stand last month with his ex, who he said he hasn’t spoken to in years, is pregnant with his baby. There goes our future together. I thought trust and being honest meant something, but obviously not. FML

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML

Mommy's favorite flower

Today, I learned how it feels when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot then landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

Waiting for that special someone

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

Sinning is winning

Today, I came home early from work and walked in on my husband in bed with his two young female "bible study students" from his church. Now I remember why he explicitly said to never interrupt his, "Sunday School Studies" with them. FML