By Anonymous

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

So you had a bad day…

CPTSD

By Anonymous

Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, I had an asthma attack while in bed with my boyfriend. He interrupted my desperate coughing only to tell me to shut up. He then rolled over to go back to sleep. FML

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By shouldveknown - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

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By blackitalian - United States

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML

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By horniness - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By cheated

Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

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By auntoftheyear - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

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By whytoday

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

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By notyourfriend - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

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By I hate Walmart???? - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

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By a.baybay - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on a job trial at the local pet shop and, naturally, was doing all the disgusting jobs. As I was cleaning the kittens' litter in the cat enclosure, someone thought it would be funny to lock me in there. I sat in a giant cage in the middle of the store with people laughing at me. FML

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By dontpeeonmenxtime - United States

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By penisgrabber - United States

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

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By honeynuggetviolin

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I wasn't allowed to fly. Again. Yesterday my flight was overbooked. Today I didn't have the yellow fever vaccine. Not once was this requirement mentioned. Nobody would believe me. Luckily, it turned out that this requirement did not apply to me. They realised this after the plane left. FML

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By BlackCheetah101 - Australia

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend "You're kidding, right?" FML

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By Murphy's law

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By Anonymous - Nepal

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

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By NewTenant - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By Scared

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

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By nakedness - Australia

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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By brylynn - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By Lo

Today, I went to see a movie with the girl I've liked for months. After the commercials, she told me she had to go to the ladies room. She never came back. FML

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By ZeroApostle4Ever - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

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By anonymous - 25/9/2020 20:01

Sing me to sleep…

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

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By youknowwhatitis - Australia

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7854424 - Sunday 27 October 2019 6:12

What a moron!

The alimentary canal is not connected to the reproductive system.

If he wants his jizz to sparkle, he has to inject glitter directly into his testicles...like I do.

By BorderCount | 5

#7854503 - Sunday 27 October 2019 13:39

Dump him. You're too good for him. There's no coming back from something that stupid.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7854424 - Sunday 27 October 2019 6:12

What a moron!

The alimentary canal is not connected to the reproductive system.

If he wants his jizz to sparkle, he has to inject glitter directly into his testicles...like I do.

By BorderCount | 5

#7854503 - Sunday 27 October 2019 13:39

Dump him. You're too good for him. There's no coming back from something that stupid.

By WaywardSaint | 3

#7854542 - Sunday 27 October 2019 18:42

Just curious, did he tell you or did you see glitter on him? If the latter I'd ask what the stripper's name was.

By E2dav | 5

#7854599 - Monday 28 October 2019 1:38

Oh wow....what a dummy. How does he get through life??

By kujiens101 | 24

#7854613 - Monday 28 October 2019 5:52

The man is a visionary

By fjvitt | 14

#7854731 - Monday 28 October 2019 18:53

Like that joke—why are jelly beans better than men??? They come in different colors...

By jfigley | 5

#7854777 - Monday 28 October 2019 23:08

I am sorry, but that's f*cking hilarious!!! He's an idiot, but that's pretty funny mate....