By Anonymous

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

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Proactive

Walk on the wild side

Caught red-handed

By TicketMePink - United States

Today, an officer ticketed me for texting while driving. Apparently, getting dumped costs $180. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By touristtraphotel - Puerto Rico

Today, my former boss is threatening to keep my last paycheck until I return a skateboard that a guest forgot at the hotel about a month ago. She was the one who gave me the order to put it in the trash. FML

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By collegekidproblems - United States

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

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By Pontiacman92 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I excitedly showed my new roommate my pet fish. She then told me about how she purposely starved her last fish to see how long it would take before they started eating each other before starving to death. FML

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By pathetic_girl - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

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By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

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By limegreengiraffe - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

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By StinkyDogs - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By Mcwifi - United States - Elmhurst

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

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By everore - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By Yazzy - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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By Kristat - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

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By highschoolnobody - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

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By Joey - United States

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

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By grossgross - United States

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

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By piercednipple - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous

Understandable.

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

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By ShiddyDiddy

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

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By Mylifesintatterssendhelp

Today, I went to a tattoo artist to get what I thought would be really cute, elegant finger tattoos. I left with wobbly, blobby messes all over my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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By Jim - Belgium

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

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By confusedandnowsingle - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

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By pissed off - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By shrutisoma - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 23:03

Devious, the lot of them

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

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By sad trick Or treat - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to give a 63 year old man a shot. He started bawling before I even brought out the needle. I tried to get him calm down. Then he grabbed the needle, threw it at me and ran out the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes 3 weeks ago. FML

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By GaymerLink

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By mummer11 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a phone I bought online turned up while I was at work. The delivery guy left a note saying he'd left the package with my neighbor at #10. When I went and knocked on the door and asked for the package, my neighbor said "Nope, nothing delivered here." and quickly shut the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was going to confess to my best friend that I am madly in love with her. I called her up only to find her crying. She was upset that she might be pregnant with some guy. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7854424 - Sunday 27 October 2019 6:12

What a moron!

The alimentary canal is not connected to the reproductive system.

If he wants his jizz to sparkle, he has to inject glitter directly into his testicles...like I do.

By BorderCount | 5

#7854503 - Sunday 27 October 2019 13:39

Dump him. You're too good for him. There's no coming back from something that stupid.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7854424 - Sunday 27 October 2019 6:12

What a moron!

The alimentary canal is not connected to the reproductive system.

If he wants his jizz to sparkle, he has to inject glitter directly into his testicles...like I do.

By BorderCount | 5

#7854503 - Sunday 27 October 2019 13:39

Dump him. You're too good for him. There's no coming back from something that stupid.

By WaywardSaint | 3

#7854542 - Sunday 27 October 2019 18:42

Just curious, did he tell you or did you see glitter on him? If the latter I'd ask what the stripper's name was.

By E2dav | 5

#7854599 - Monday 28 October 2019 1:38

Oh wow....what a dummy. How does he get through life??

By kujiens101 | 24

#7854613 - Monday 28 October 2019 5:52

The man is a visionary

By fjvitt | 14

#7854731 - Monday 28 October 2019 18:53

Like that joke—why are jelly beans better than men??? They come in different colors...

By jfigley | 4

#7854777 - Monday 28 October 2019 23:08

I am sorry, but that's f*cking hilarious!!! He's an idiot, but that's pretty funny mate....