By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 04:00

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1542

You deserved it

246

Tweet

Share

Understandable

The opposite of a good idea

Fear factor

By MH - 24/1/2014 12:36 - Norway - Sandnes

Today, my mom took a picture of me. All she could say about the picture was, "At least your sister is pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43893

You deserved it

3952

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I was in the Cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26570

You deserved it

4997

Tweet

Share

By helpme - 15/7/2013 17:25 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51440

You deserved it

4622

Tweet

Share

By Cerezo - 22/11/2009 15:39 - Guatemala

Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39818

You deserved it

4543

Tweet

Share

By smart phone mms - 7/12/2009 06:36 - United States

Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10940

You deserved it

47424

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 03:07 - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11167

You deserved it

43263

Tweet

Share

By JAdams - 13/8/2012 00:49 - United States - Newkirk

Today, I walked in on my fifteen-year-old son and his friends attempting to set up a rudimentary meth lab in his bedroom. I'm not sure whether to be angrier that they simply tried this, or that they thought burning up baking soda would somehow produce methamphetamine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29471

You deserved it

2891

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 10:13 - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42693

You deserved it

2978

Tweet

Share

By Sallyfromtheseashore - 1/7/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

I agree, your life sucks

9752

You deserved it

89366

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33479

You deserved it

2887

Tweet

Share

By Imrickar - 30/4/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43055

You deserved it

7795

Tweet

Share

By ohaifml - 4/9/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32384

You deserved it

2805

Tweet

Share

By funnyguyNOT - 5/4/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24244

You deserved it

284384

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 21:15 - United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47834

You deserved it

3526

Tweet

Share

By Wtf - 10/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Miamisburg

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83901

You deserved it

4176

Tweet

Share

By thoughtitwasspecial - 18/5/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I found a link to a porn website on my boyfriend's computer. A bit jealous, I asked why it was there. He told me that he thought thinking of me might get boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29403

You deserved it

20639

Tweet

Share

By Cheap - 27/12/2010 08:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wrote 50 dollars on my gift card just to look generous, it's really only worth five. I found this out after I tried to buy an arm full of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37999

You deserved it

3115

Tweet

Share

By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9098

You deserved it

1122

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28624

You deserved it

6705

Tweet

Share

By fUcKOAHdSAjl - 16/8/2013 18:41 - United States - Manchester

Today, my dog was riding my car's passenger seat. He clambered over onto my lap, causing me to lose control of the wheel for a few seconds. As I tried to knock him off me, I lost track of my speed, and ended up being pulled over for reckless driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26435

You deserved it

44193

Tweet

Share

By Bro - 25/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2396

You deserved it

728

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 05:39 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18766

You deserved it

54434

Tweet

Share

By Rednbumpy - 18/1/2017 08:00

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5023

You deserved it

553

Tweet

Share

By Donutsarelife - 19/11/2014 15:09 - United States

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32968

You deserved it

3935

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/7/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23733

You deserved it

1999

Tweet

Share

By onefishtwofishes - 23/5/2013 20:15 - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39791

You deserved it

4430

Tweet

Share

By waaah - 25/6/2012 07:00 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He decided he would be a gentleman and do this to me at work, over text, during a rush of unsympathetic customers, the day before our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36289

You deserved it

2718

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 07:28 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33400

You deserved it

10173

Tweet

Share

By Shep - 31/8/2018 13:00

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3000

You deserved it

173

Tweet

Share

By dumbteacher - 22/11/2010 14:47

Today, my English teacher told me that I failed my grammar test. Her exact words were "You ain't gonna pass this class if you ain't gonna study." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35548

You deserved it

7519

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 06:21 - Canada

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31249

You deserved it

2595

Tweet

Share

By idontwanttoknow - 16/6/2013 11:37 - United States

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66887

You deserved it

6870

Tweet

Share

By theuglyone - 14/11/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12019

You deserved it

810

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 01:30

Twister

Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27246

You deserved it

3266

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 18:01 - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52870

You deserved it

5369

Tweet

Share

By Nile - 8/12/2015 17:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

I agree, your life sucks

30725

You deserved it

2809

Tweet

Share

By Aginsafa - 25/4/2011 11:41 - United States

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38306

You deserved it

3665

Tweet

Share

By single - 27/3/2020 05:15 - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2165

You deserved it

154

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36854

You deserved it

1780

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41677

You deserved it

3352

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7854424 - Sunday 27 October 2019 6:12

What a moron!

The alimentary canal is not connected to the reproductive system.

If he wants his jizz to sparkle, he has to inject glitter directly into his testicles...like I do.

By BorderCount | 5

#7854503 - Sunday 27 October 2019 13:39

Dump him. You're too good for him. There's no coming back from something that stupid.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7854424 - Sunday 27 October 2019 6:12

What a moron!

The alimentary canal is not connected to the reproductive system.

If he wants his jizz to sparkle, he has to inject glitter directly into his testicles...like I do.

By BorderCount | 5

#7854503 - Sunday 27 October 2019 13:39

Dump him. You're too good for him. There's no coming back from something that stupid.

By WaywardSaint | 3

#7854542 - Sunday 27 October 2019 18:42

Just curious, did he tell you or did you see glitter on him? If the latter I'd ask what the stripper's name was.

By E2dav | 5

#7854599 - Monday 28 October 2019 1:38

Oh wow....what a dummy. How does he get through life??

By kujiens101 | 24

#7854613 - Monday 28 October 2019 5:52

The man is a visionary

By fjvitt | 13

#7854731 - Monday 28 October 2019 18:53

Like that joke—why are jelly beans better than men??? They come in different colors...

By jfigley | 3

#7854777 - Monday 28 October 2019 23:08

I am sorry, but that's f*cking hilarious!!! He's an idiot, but that's pretty funny mate....