By wasntme

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

Catching up

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47911

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6650

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By Offended - United States

Today, in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse's office and asked "Can I have some ice?" They responded with "Why, what happened to your face?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

49243

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2978

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By actor my ass - Canada

Today, trying to be romantic, I invited my girlfriend over to watch a movie. I said she could pick one up on the way, and I'd pay for it later. I ended up having to suffer through some "movie" that involved nothing but Nicolas Cage gurning like a stroke victim between crappy fight scenes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12269

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29032

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By MissQ

That's a great look!

Today, I was trying to learn how to whistle. On the elevator ride up to my room, I was experimenting with tongue placement and mouth position. At the height of my facial contortions and probable spitting, the elevator doors opened to reveal the guy I've been crushing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1058

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557

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By 44haley44 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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23626

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57054

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By barfyshirt - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

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37694

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7151

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48098

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5466

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By halfie - United States - Pigeon Forge

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10502

You deserved it

33234

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By smellay

Close quarters

Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML

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1737

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356

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By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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33849

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3068

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

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40609

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5027

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By sonofanut - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33094

You deserved it

2401

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By Snow - United States

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

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20726

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35019

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By Anonymous

I don't care

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

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658

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5092

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

You sleep in your pants?

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

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747

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138

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to console my drunk dad over his girlfriend breaking up with him. When he said, "You know why we broke up don't you?" I replied, "Yeah, you were fighting a lot, right?" Wrong. I then had to explain to him that his erectile dysfunction wasn't something to be embarrassed about. FML

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37971

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3465

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By Cody - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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28871

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By maninpain - Kenya

Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36749

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3971

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By whyyyyy

Subjective

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

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2901

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295

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, as I came home from school, I saw a little rock in the road. I kicked it, intending to send it sailing into the bushes in front of my house. It went wide and sailed straight into a window instead. FML

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33442

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By Van

Work name

Today, I found out the girl my husband's been calling "Sister" isn't actually his sister, but instead a hooker whose work name is "Sister". FML

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3698

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438

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my grandpa died. I decided to call my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit: "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

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51628

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By Snowzies - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

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37888

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By KayDayParade - United States

Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

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38266

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3119

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By blackntangirl - United States

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

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53257

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13969

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By nothanks - United States

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

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57800

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5459

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By Mc2013 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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39874

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4193

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 13:58

Happy families

Today, I just found out that my mom is cheating on my dad. I went to give my dad the evidence I'd gathered, and he just said he knew, and that he’s cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1230

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108

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By burrrito_ - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

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7606

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3028

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34984

You deserved it

2453

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By pixie - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54701

You deserved it

13713

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By Singapore - United States - Shortsville

Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much "unhealthy" junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24293

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3560

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By DebtedToSociety - United States

Today, I was watching a TV show about people with shopping addictions. One girl was $15,000 in debt and I thought how horrible it would be to live with that. Then I realized that I'm in medical school and currently $135,000 in debt. At least they have something to show for their debt. FML

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52024

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8556

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By NoPeeGiven - United States - Palatine

Straining

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

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48811

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9947

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 20:02

Mixed signals

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2113

You deserved it

247

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By toothache - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

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61269

You deserved it

4376

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By Crystal_Nicole - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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41455

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7012

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By NinjaWafflesx - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40677

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3942

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By laughingflame - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38053

You deserved it

12865

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By lobstercola - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML

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26966

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2582

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Top comments

By rotflqtms_ | 19

#7905066 - Sunday 10 May 2020 13:07

I'd fight that. You don't have the car anymore. Call whatever number is on the bill and call your job. I'm sure there's proof of when you gave your last work car back in and when the tolls were made.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7905119 - Sunday 10 May 2020 19:37

FIGHT IT... Don't pay it.

COMMENTS

By rotflqtms_ | 19

#7905066 - Sunday 10 May 2020 13:07

I'd fight that. You don't have the car anymore. Call whatever number is on the bill and call your job. I'm sure there's proof of when you gave your last work car back in and when the tolls were made.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7905119 - Sunday 10 May 2020 19:37

FIGHT IT... Don't pay it.

By bkwusa | 15

#7907081 - Monday 18 May 2020 17:11

If you are the registered owner of the car you should repossess the car for unpaid bills.