Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML
Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and drink a tall glass of water whilst doing my assignment that is due in three days. I managed to spill the entire glass over my laptop. I flipped it over and used a hairdryer to dry it off. While doing that, I managed to melt my keyboard. FML
Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that same moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart loose, and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML
Today, someone stole a package off my doorstep. Too bad, it was the video doorbell to prevent my packages from being stolen. FML
Today, I called in sick at work and went to the bar, only to find out that my manager has a second job there. I am now jobless. FML
Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML
Today, I had to attend an interview in order to keep my job, despite exceeding all of my targets for over a year. My supervisor has not reached a single target at all in the same time, yet his job is safe and not under review. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I was "changing too much." My big change was a haircut. FML
Today, my 97 year-old grandmother told me that if I’m not married and pregnant by the time she goes, I’ll be completely excluded from her will. She went on to say how shameful it is for a woman my age to be single, choosing college over a family. I’m 21 and studying to be an oncologist. FML
Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. FML
Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML
Today, I found out that my overweight daughter’s teacher starved her during a pizza party. She made her wait an hour until the entire class got a slice and their seconds. When it was her turn, there was only one tiny slice. According to her, she, “looks like she hasn’t missed a meal, she’ll be alright.” FML
Today, I woke up feeling amazing. Upon looking at my phone, I saw a text from my boyfriend's ex, saying, "I'm sorry." Ten minutes later, I received a slew of angry text messages from my boyfriend, thanks to his ex. What an amazing day. FML
howard1954 tells us more.
howard1954 27
His ex is also the mother of his child. She has been wanting to go off on him for various reasons, which I told her was a bad idea, trying to keep the cool amongst all of us. But, my boyfriend told her he wanted the iPhone he bought for her a few years ago back, and she decided to tell him that I have been telling her various things about our personal life. This was not true, and she only said it to make him mad because he wanted his phone back. she messaged me on Facebook Messenger saying "I'm sorry" before he blew up on me over text. we got it all figured out, everything is fine now, but I like her a lot less now for lying about things just to make her ex (my boyfriend) mad. She was only being petty.
Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML
Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML
Today, I found out that my mother changed all the locks of the house and threw away all of my girlfriend's stuff. I don't know what the fuck happened there. I actually bought the house two years ago because I had enought of her being nosey and controlling with both of us. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML
Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML
Today, I was loudly asked if I'd rubbed poop all over myself this morning. I shower three times a day, brush my teeth for 10 minutes twice a day, and wear copious amounts of antiperspirant. FML
Today, in the middle of oral sex, I got a cramp in my tongue. Yes, it's a thing that can happen. My wife didn’t believe me, and since I’d already gotten a blowjob from her, she accused me of being lazy, selfish and no good at sex. This led to a huge argument and I’m now sleeping in my truck outside. FML
Today, a lady talking about the Bible came to my house. She looked at me and said I wouldn't need to cut myself if I had God in my life. Mom heard and did a thorough investigation of my body for scars. I had to bathe my rabbit last night, and he scratched me. They were from him. FML
Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML
Today, my boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML
Today, I played Connect Four with a gay guy who was clearly hitting on me for an hour. When he asked why I didn’t want to go to his place, I told him that I’m straight and married. He asked why I played with him for so long, so I told him, “My wife sucks at Connect Four.” He called me a cocktease and left. FML
Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML
Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML
Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML
Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML
Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
