Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML
Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML
Today, my ex said I had a lot in common with his new girlfriend. His new, grossly overweight, college drop-out, clinically depressed, constantly pot-smoking girlfriend. FML
Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Today, my mother-in-law was so rabid to meet her first grandson, she didn’t just nudge me aside to get to the delivery room, she two-hand shoved me in the chest so I flew backwards and down a flight of stairs. I’m now in a neck brace for a hairline crack to my vertebrae and can’t pick up my own son. FML
Today, I broke my glasses. My eyesight is horrible, I can’t see things that aren’t super close to my face. I'm supposed to drive to another state tomorrow. FML
Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML
Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML
Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML
Today, as he has all day for the last 3 days, my husband has been playing Cyberpunk 2077. However, it's my birthday. When I mentioned this fact, I was told to just walk the 4 miles to the store and buy a cake, "if it matters so much." I have celiac and he spent our grocery money on the game. FML
Today, I was fired for asking HR to move me to another department, due to my manager's unethical behaviour against me. The alternative was shut up and look for another job. Which I have to do now. FML
Today, my mom volunteered me to watch her cousin’s 7-year-old daughter overnight. She’s a nice kid, but sadly the mom has babied her so much that she literally can’t do a thing for herself. She needed help wiping, bathing and even brushing her teeth. Her mom does it all and never taught her differently. FML
Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML
Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML
Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML
Today, while planning for our trip next spring, my friend told me that she's decided that her mom is coming with us. It’s non-negotiable. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML
Today, my dad told me that I'm a weak and negative person because I suffer from depression and anxiety, then he told me to just snap out of it. FML
Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML
Today, I woke up to the inside of my house covered in bees. Hundreds of them. I have been complaining about a bee problem to the HOA for two weeks, and their response has been, “The hive was taken care of." Well, a few hundred bees inside and a few thousand on my outside wall beg to disagree. FML
Today, I had a very good-looking guy ask for my number while I was at work, but due to our policies I had to turn him down. FML
Today, my boss wrote me up for appearing "depressing" to customers. I told her that I was upset because my dog had to be put down yesterday. She told me, "Aw that’s sad. But guess what? That dog ain’t gonna pay your bills and put bread on your table. So cut the emo crap or you’re fired." FML
Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He immediately had a massive panic attack about how a kid is going to ruin his life and split us up, because obviously I’ll choose the baby over him. We’re now in hospital because he hyperventilated, passed out and fractured his skull on the door handle. FML
Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML
Today, I received many compliments from my co-workers on the weight I've lost and how nice I look. I haven't slept for the past month, and eating makes me nauseous. I don't have the heart to tell them my secret is anxiety and depression. FML
Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML
Today, I dumped my coworker boyfriend because I caught him cheating with another coworker. He reported me for sexual harassment, and showed my boss the consensual texts we shared during our relationship. Turns out he edited them to make it look like I was the one “harassing” him. Sucks to be jobless. FML
Today, while queuing in a shop, a girl appeared to bunk the line. When I asked her about it, she said it was nothing to do with me. She then asked me what was I going to do about it, before kneeing me in the nuts. I was overtaken by everyone in the queue. FML
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