The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Awkward conversation ahead

By Anonymous - 19/12/2021 23:01

Today, for the last two years of trying for a baby, my wife has been secretly still on the pill and takes a morning after pill every time we had sex. Funny, I thought we both wanted a baby, so I guess she doesn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 242

Oops, I Did It Again

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 768

Just BFF things

By slumber party for two - 06/08/2020 08:02

Today, my best friend came to visit from out of state. We had lunch, painted our nails and fell asleep sipping wine and watching movies. It was a perfect girl’s day. My boyfriend is now irrationally angry, because according to him it’s not fair that I can have a girl sleep over and he can’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 473

Late reaction

By "chris_lillo" - 31/01/2020 18:00 - United States - Waco

Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 224

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 06:30

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 137

Boozing on the job

By paulcorrea95 - 21/09/2019 06:07 - United States

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 199

Hiking is so much fun!

By Sacho - 24/10/2019 20:00

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 177

Nice bird

By Sick - 01/01/2020 01:00 - Netherlands - Ede

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 997

Broken bum

By P DarklyKira - 06/05/2020 17:00

Today, marks the 29th day since I missed my haemorrhoid surgery. They told me to wait because it's not life threatening and so that I don't get the virus going to the hospital, which I understand. The problem is, even though I take suppositories, it hurts badly and bleed each time I have to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 144

Fiancé of the year

By Anonymous - 13/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I found out that my fiancé of three years, with whom I share a child, fell in love with my best friend and they’ve been going on dates for the last four months after work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 149

Creeped out

By Anonymous - 25/02/2023 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been having sex with his sister while we've been together. I'm 5 months pregnant with his baby. They don't plan on stopping and talk everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 208

What a wanker

By no action Jackson - 27/09/2020 20:02 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating. I thought it was hot and asked if I could join in. He threw me a disgusted look and screamed that I’d ruined the whole mood. Now we’re both unsatisfied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 217

Superficial

By Anonymous - 25/05/2022 00:00

Today, I'm finally recovering from surgery to fix my severe underbite, which included breaking my upper and lower jaw, forcing my teeth to line up properly, then pinning them until the bone healed. My wife can’t mentally cope, because I no longer look like the man she loves. She wants a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 136

Glued

By Anonymous - 09/12/2021 19:58

Today, as a police officer, I was sent to deal with an indecent exposure. It was two homeless people who'd both passed out on drugs in the middle of sex. I had to wake them up, then help prise them apart, as his penis was still very visibly inside her exposed for the whole street to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 185

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

By a816090 - 15/05/2019 04:30

Today, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if when I feel an emotion if it's me or my disorder. I'm my brain's bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 186

Distant love

By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 207

Hmmm, nutritious!

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 14:00

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 228

Tasty

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 20:00

Today, while picking up my extremely drunk girlfriend from a party, she insisted on attempting to make out with me. She threw up in my mouth mid-kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 300

All kinds of wrong

By Anonymous - 16/06/2020 14:01

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 205

By sup - 01/07/2019 20:00 - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 127

Evil child

By Anonymous - 23/01/2022 02:01

Today, after my stepdaughter warned me that she’d get rid of me, she's finally successfully driven such a large wedge between me and my wife that we haven’t spoken in a month, and today she asked me for a divorce. Well played, stepdaughter, well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 343

Recycling helps

By Julieworld - 24/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 899

Twin issues

By Anonymous - 26/12/2022 09:00

Today, I got an X-ray and the nurse happened to mention the old break in my leg. Mom always said it was my twin brother who'd broken his leg. Can you see where this is going? I have now confirmed that at some point mom mixed me and my brother up, so we’ve being using each other’s names for 35 years FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 146

Childfree

By Anonymous - 01/09/2020 04:57 - Germany

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 318

By toobroketoprotest - 16/08/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 134

Planned parenthood

By KittenTitz - 03/05/2020 20:00

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 669

Asshat

By Anonymous - 04/09/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 225

Rules are rules

By Anonymous - 24/03/2020 08:00

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 173

Red flags all over

By vernyl - 02/05/2023 22:00

Today, I had to explain to my husband why a Facebook comment that says, “Such a tight body, I bet you can ride some dick real good!” towards a female friend of his is inappropriate. He insists it’s a compliment and accused me of being a “misogynist” and not supporting “female body positivity.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 811

You deserved it 276

By raven_of_azarath - 29/07/2019 02:00

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 811

You deserved it 166

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The Top

Today, during a school trip to Ireland, I tried taking a souvenir picture of a sheep wearing my sunglasses. So, if you ever see a sheep running past with sunglasses on, they're mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 520

Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 279

You deserved it 1 064

Today, I decided to visit my girlfriend who lives 20 hours away. Four Red Bulls: $11.50. Gas: $200. Driving halfway across the country to find your girlfriend in bed with another guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 882

You deserved it 6 010

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 284

You deserved it 908

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 674

You deserved it 3 327

Today, I went on a date with my a man I’ve been seeing at a restaurant. I went to use the restroom. When I came back, he and my purse were gone. He won’t answer my phone calls or texts, and he blocked me on Instagram. I’ve been ghosted and robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 330

You deserved it 259