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The all-time greatest FMLs

Working in retail sucks

By Anonymous - 09/03/2020 23:00

Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 119

By rrefaat - 28/06/2019 07:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 142

By Atropos - 01/06/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 138

By fml9124 - 31/08/2019 22:00

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 182

Hidden talent

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 14:01

Today, my son brought home his Muslim girlfriend and I had to watch my husband almost physically restraining himself from making a racist comment, especially since she was wearing a headscarf. No, I was not aware he was this much of a racist when I married him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 457

By DWIcop - 03/04/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 833

Soaked

By SunBed - 11/05/2020 17:00

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 111

Red flags popping up all over the place

By Jackie - 01/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that his best friend of 10 years is giving him the silent treatment because he told her he's in a relationship. He's become a depressed wreck. When I asked him if he's secretly in love with her or something, he flipped a table over and told me to, "mind my own fucking business." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 182

No kinkshaming but… what?

By Anonymous - 09/01/2022 22:59

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he had a thigh fetish, I thought it was cute, until I realised our sex life would mostly be him fawning all over my legs, then dry humping my knees. We’ve been together 3 months and I can count the number of actual shags I’ve had on one hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 273

By Magaña.i.am - 16/04/2019 16:00

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 556

Business is business

By Anonymous - 08/04/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 212

Thanks for the support, guys!

By pinkpanther61789 - 17/10/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 150

It's literally 1987 by George Doorbell

By anon - 17/04/2023 03:00

Today, I took some leftover Indian food to work, and commented to a coworker that I loved to cook recipes from other cultures. Later, I got a hearing with HR about cultural appropriation. The HR rep said, "Stick to plain chicken and boiled potatoes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 780

You deserved it 168

Simple plan

By Crish - 22/11/2020 05:05 - Italy

Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 780

You deserved it 182

Seize the means of production!

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 780

You deserved it 117

By Landlocked - 06/05/2019 02:00

Today, my dad thought it would be a good idea to show my 5-year-old son a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. My son is now terrified of hurricanes. We live in Utah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 215

By cherknobil - 07/07/2019 00:00

Today, I went to my favorite burger joint. Upon taking the first bite of my burger, I dislocated my jaw. The employees had to call 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 202

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 14:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she believes I "jinxed" her chances of getting the job she wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 151

STI TMI

By Anonymous - 17/05/2022 16:00 - United States - Cumberland

Today, at my physical, I found out that my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me 4 months ago was not only cheating on me, but had also manage to catch chlamydia and give it to me. I'm now dating someone else, so I had to explain that I've had chlamydia for 4 months without knowing, and he should probably get tested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 259

Pipe down

By Anonymous - 22/07/2019 00:01

Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 282

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 16:01

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 125

How nice of them.

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 22:00

Today, I learned what my office nickname means. My nickname? Butterface. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 221

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 12:41

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 122

Kids these days…

By Cindell Hanson - 02/03/2020 05:00

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 192

Painful party trick

By Anonymous - 15/09/2022 19:00

Today, I caught my idiot son with a pencil up his penis, because apparently he wanted to see if he could use it to write with as a party trick to impress girls. I demanded he take it out, which he did, but the rubber eraser stayed inside his penis. Now I’m spending my Sunday holding his hand in A&E. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 249

By crazycatlady1890 - 02/05/2019 18:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I finished a full marathon and just wanted to relax and get pampered by my husband afterwards. Instead, I spent the evening taking care of him and his back because he had a spasm. Don't worry, he feels much better now. Meanwhile, I can’t move my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 463

Charlie!

By Anonymous - 12/09/2022 18:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he insists I bit his penis during sex, and that I'm a crazy, man-hating psycho. It’s not true, I’ve just not given many blowjobs before, my technique stinks, and my teeth touched his skin a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 335

Noisy lover

By Foxy17 - 05/08/2020 05:01

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 166

Forgetful

By Superdumb - 26/11/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 5 499

Dad joke number 287474

By HunkyFez - 28/08/2020 08:06 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 275

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The Top

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 935

You deserved it 1 434

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 915

You deserved it 8 257

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 319

You deserved it 5 869

Today, I've lost so much weight from depression that I don't fit into women's clothing anymore. There's nothing like trying to find dress pants in the kids section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 135

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 762

You deserved it 1 647

Today, I was assigned to work on a group project with some coworkers. The entire time, one guy insisted on "taking charge" and assigning everyone tasks. He gave me a single task: “Create a 15-slide presentation.” I completed it in less than an hour. He then decided we needed a 100-slide presentation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 78