Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

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Messed up

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By gnownayrgnow - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By MrZhang - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By GoFigure - Germany - Berlin

Today, my wedding is scheduled for next week. Today is also the day my whole family had an epic falling out, resulting in my mother disowning my brother. Apart from having them taking turns sobbing at me through the phone, they're also not coming to the wedding. I paid the hotel rooms in advance. FML

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By dammitt - United States

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 14:01

Disney 2021

Today, I realised that I'm kinda living the life of a Disney princess, because I'm lonely and all my friends are animals. Yes, I also talk to them. FML

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By tanksfan - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than 2 years, I decided to quit. I come home from work and I see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

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By slamo - Australia

Today, I walked into my new maths class. I stepped inside only to be yelled at by the teacher for nearly 15 minutes. I was then told never to enter her class again and was sent to the principal. My identical twin brother was in her class the period before me. He also has a thing for older women. FML

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By LonelyMe

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

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By Heidi Jeanette

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

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By Anon - Ireland - Cork

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML

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By Kamburgler - United States

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

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By AnonUser464 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML

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By petty petty petty

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By unboned - United States - Katy

Fetishes come in all sizes

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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By howrude - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By EunJung - United States

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

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By gamerguru13 - United States - New York

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

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By bearprint

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

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By artiemilano - United States

Today, I let my mother use my computer for school work. Later that day my mom asks me what's wrong with the computer. I look at it, only seeing a "Welcome to Windows XP" screen. She said that she saw a blue screen and pressed L and C when it asked her to. My mom managed to clear my hard drive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

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By LNamesOnly - Australia

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By alsayslegit - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Who the fuck are you?

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By Muddyidiot - 6/1/2021 05:01

Good deeds

Today, after I was done testing a group of people for Covid, the universe decided that no, the deed was not good enough. On the way to the bus stop, I slipped and had to ride home covered in mud. FML

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By hé merde - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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By A.L.Woody - United States

You IDIOT

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I look better in different kinds of light. I asked him which kind of light I looked best in. His reply? "No light at all." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

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By brokenheart

Lust at First Sight

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

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By harrysolo - United States

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

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By batgirlrules881 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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By I love my furry babies

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

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By spadesmollusques - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

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Top comments

By riley873 | 21

#7823907 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 21:17

who the fuck buys $3 worth of gas in 2019?!?!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7824001 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:05

Write it on toilet paper.

Hopefully, he’ll wipe his ass with it before he sends it to the IRS.

COMMENTS

By timinator5000 | 28

#7823898 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 20:56

How are those simular? How do you mix that up?

Reply

riley873 | 21

#7823906 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 21:16

line items get a little fucky sometimes

By riley873 | 21

#7823907 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 21:17

who the fuck buys $3 worth of gas in 2019?!?!

Reply

Memnoc | 26

#7823961 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 23:24

Maybe in a small gas can for a lawn mower

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7823996 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:51

Broke college student who just needs to get to work, where they’ll get paid.

Reply

acmariner99 | 24

#7824036 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 3:23

I’ve done that for my lawnmower. Parts of the US have gas near 2 bucks a gallon. But twice a day is a bit weird.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7824001 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:05

Write it on toilet paper.

Hopefully, he’ll wipe his ass with it before he sends it to the IRS.

By kBear | 4

#7824502 - Thursday 25 July 2019 5:21

customers are that stupid. I know from experience

By Stephanie Claire | 12

#7825844 - Saturday 27 July 2019 9:33

Tweakers... gotta love em